First Dates Puns

It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.

They're always nuts.

I'm so sorry its my first time.

They have a pignic.

That’s when I knew we weren’t going to workout

Nailed it!!!

But when she didn’t turn up, I could tell we weren’t going to work out.

So I took her to dinner and a movie...then dropped her off at her parents' house.

She said, it’s not Yu, it’s Mi

So I took her to see a windmill.

I thought it was a odd gift to give at the time 😶😑

I will see myself out

Axolotl questions

Me: "But you already own her home."

Dad: -turning to daughter- "If you don't sleep with him, I will."

Credit to u/psybermonkey15

"I'm good, thank you. How are you, a single mom?"

It was sentimental sediment

It’s almost impossible to break the ice

She almost left right away, as it was too many red flags

...Afterwards you can say, "we've been through a Lot together".

The second set isn’ twenty too, it’s twenty-two.

He gave her a ring.

I Schwepped her off her feet.

“No, first a Gibson, then a Fender”.

I replied, "Thanks, but I'm full."

I prefer raisins.

I suppose we aren't gonna work out.

first im not sure where to post this story but this is true and ive been cracking up ever since my daughter told me that happened.

So my daughter is 23 now. When she was 18 & im dropping her off at college, i told her that "anytime a guy approachs you and youre not in the mood to be hit on just tell the guy you have herpes or whatever and hopefully he'll stop & go away, if he doesnt...then, well ya know...you leave as safely as u can." i thought it was harmless kinda funny advice. So last night, when she's picking up her dog (cause i said id puppysit while she went to the football game), I said something to the effect of the dog needing a slow feed bowl and she rolled her eyes and told me shes not taking advice from me after the "herpe talk". i said "what? what herpe talk?" and she reminded me of that advice i offered when she was an 18 year old college freshmen and then told me thats why she doesnt have a bf. i chuckled and started asking, "have u ever said that? what happened? how many times have you told a guy that?" she continued to tell me that she went to a few frat/soriety get togethers with her girlfriends and maybe used that line 6-7 times. i lost it laughing and said "you know those 6-7 guys told at least 3-4 people each and so on." she goes "No shit Dad. because of you i cant find a date cause everyone thinks i have herpes." anyways, i thought this was too funny to not share, plus it worked cause i get to puppysit versus grandbabysit.

Him: I’m working on eliminating all Cancers.

Her: Wow! Impressive.

Him: Then I’m moving on to Capricorns.

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

Guy: I’m a beekeeper.

Ecky: You astard, give it ack!

She replied, "that's none of your biscuit!"

A sunken chest with no booty.

I was a Twit to Woo her in the first place.

It was an Apple with limited memory; just one byte. Then, everything crashed.

It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte.

And then everything crashed.

It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.

Just one byte, and everything crashed

Then dropped her off at her parents’ house.

So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house...

So I took her out to dinner, to a movie, then I dropped her off at her parents' place.

So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house...

I suppose we aren't gonna work out.

It would have to be a blind date.

It seemed like a good deal at the time, but now I'm afraid I sold my sole to the devil.