It's a complex complex complex
but the only way out was from the roof. They got up there, before realizing they didn’t have any rope. One guy says, “Oh yeah! I’ve got a flashlight! Ill point it to the ground and you can climb down the beam.” The other guy says, “What, am I crazy? I’d get half way down and you’d turn it off!”
I've heard it was a jarring experience.
It was soda pressing.
It's a job I could really see myself doing.
A little condescending
Any ideas on bringing Office Management and Hockey Terms together for a good team name?
They must be right, as everybody is dying to get there.
Me: Really dad thats pretty interesting.
Dad: Yeah theyre gonna call it Cheeseus of Nazareth.
A señor living facility.
In the producktion facilities
A large corporation, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know he meant business.
He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The CEO told him to wait right there. He walked back to his office and came back a couple of minutes later and handed the guy $1600 in cash. "Here's 4 weeks pay. Now GET Out and don't come back here!"
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"
From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Dominoes."
Back in the old USSR, a Soviet inspector met with the foreman of a large manufacturing facility.
Inspector: good morning comrade, how many men work here?
Foreman: about half
So a C, an E-flat and a G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
A D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "you're looking sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he's un... keep reading on reddit ➡
Sorry about being a little out of touch the past couple of months. My business partner bailed on me in January and I'm in the process of forming a new corporation with a couple of investors, hiring a new bookkeeper (my expartner's wife used to do that), arranging a storage facility, moving offices and re-organizing staff. It has been hectic.
Part of my business model is consulting. I recently had an experience that proves the value of consulting & demonstrates how consultants can make a difference in an organization. I was very impressed. I think this is a segment that I can develop with financial help.
Last week, I went out with some friends to a new restaurant (Steve's Bistro & Provisional Ales). I noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in t... keep reading on reddit ➡
I work at an assisted living facility and the other day they were going to be spraying my unit for bed bugs (preventatively). But on the day the exterminator called out sick, and as I was going around informing residents one grinned and said “He got a bug”
There once was a man who had a job driving a passenger train between two large towns. It could be a very dull job to some, but as the old saying goes, one man's trash is another's gold; he wanted to be a railroad man since he was a boy.
He was a wiz behind the controls of the train, and commanded the 15 car vehicle effortlessly as if he had been born to do the job. He prided himself on the fact that he could bend the rules and speed through curves and grades that made other motormen shiver and back off.
One day however, he wasn't so lucky and came round a bend too fast and derailed his train. He backed off the throttle and braked as much as he could, managing to only have one fatality out of 500 passengers on his train.
Months later there was a trial and he was found guilty of manslaughter in the highest degree, a capital offence in that land, and sentenced to die by electric chair. Punishment came swift, unlike most places, and 3 days after sentencing the former railroader was ask... keep reading on reddit ➡
For reference: Link to wiki
Some of these are done in a kind of "news headline"-style:
Choir leader fired after using too much sexual innuendo; "Lewd Ex Cantor."
Video on demand about a street where nothing happens; "Vod of the Boring Alley."
Man's brutal cousin turns out to be a great bloke; "Raw-Ted, Great Dude".
Panic spreads as toilet facilities take over the world; "Cry! Stall-Age."
A man orders a book of basic letters to look after his daughters belongings while he looks after the others; "ABC, Watch Her's!".
Sams brother cheats a dude; "Dean Cons the Peep."
A ride in the amusement park offers a wide range of emotions; "High! Low! Woo! Nah."
A weird and hard to describe new dessert; "Cold Lemon Thing."
A new star in stand up rises! Come see "Puntiff Sulyvahn."
Pirates start eating fava beans and a new drink is required; "Yo! Ho! The Chianti!."
A Long lived man
So I work asphalt maintenance (crackseal). Saturday I had a special note on the contract that said "Only do Major Cracks". Working at a Browning facility it made me think military. So at the end of the day I called up my boss and I just couldn't hold it back anymore. "Sorry, I didn't see Major Cracks, but There was a Colonel Mustard and a Captain Crunch, but I didn't do them as was requested".
Apparently, Alaskan racing dogs perform optimally when they consume non-meat products mid-run; needless to say, this has caused a great change in tactics. A lot of it is untested, but a few dogs are going through trials to see how various types of fungi impact their speeds. The training facility was just built; they call it the "mush room."
Was getting my haircut, and the older gentleman in the chair next to me was complaining about service nowadays, saying it wasn't like it used to be.
He said, "My wife and I went out to eat last week, and at one point I needed to use the restroom. So I went in there, used the facilities, and as I was wrapping up, I saw a sign that said 'Employees must wash hands!'"
"I waited for damn near 15 minutes, and no one even showed up, so I grabbed my wife and got the hell out of there!"
A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.
I work in the recreation facility run by my local city government. (Side note, it's an awesome job for a college student)
Anyways, this evening I had an elderly couple (74 & 70) come in to sign up for one of the programs we offer here. I looked up the wife's name in the computer and saw her husband in the same household. I said to the husband,
"Are you Kent?"
"Last I checked."
Got a smile from me and a groan from his wife.
Closing our conversation, I told them both that the event was being held inside Gym 2, tomorrow at 12:00.
I love this guy, haha.
Younger guy working with me is going help maintenance change some light bulbs today. But he tells me doesn't know where (we have 30 facilities).
I stop typing, look at him and say, "Well I guess you could say they're... leaving you in the dark".
He shakes his head, pretends to chuckle (he's a bit new and thus required to agree with me), then goes about his work again.
Scene: The lady at the front desk is telling us how long the facilities are open.
"Okay, so the pool is open 7-10, the bar is open 6-11, and the gym is open 24 hours."
My dad starts giggling, looks at me, and says "24 hours? I can't work out that long!".
Cue the groans from my mother and I.
We stopped for bathroom break during a car trip, and while we were taking wizz in the facilities (no one else there) dad suddenly goes "Does it still burn while you pee?" I mumbled something like "No...I mean no it never did". Almost got me there.
So i know the joke is old, but the application was classic...
I was with my dad buying some glass cutting supplies and the guy in the store was really dry and seemed to take his job pretty seriously. We wrapped up our purchase and the shop worker asked if we wanted a quick tour of the production facility. We said 'yes' and walked into the back. Shop worker guy showed us some bullet proof glass, and a new self obscuring glass... then he mentions that most of what they do is provide mirrors for elevators and he turns to walk us over to the last section of the facility where they do wood grain backed mirrors. My dad stops walking and says "elevators hey"? The shop worker turns and looks at him... "I hear that industry has it's ups and downs"... Shop worker guy makes eye contact with me and turns and continues his tour. While no noise escaped his lips i could feel an internal groan that shook the walls.
We were traveling to Austin, Texas to watch the first rounds of the NCAA tournament. We had the opportunity to take a tour of the UT campus while there. As we were walking through their athletics facility my friend says, "All of this orange is rather "Austin"tatious".
So I was talking with my father about how a package that should have been delivered on Friday hadn't come yet, with no updates other than departing a facility in NJ about 30 miles from me on Thursday.
Me: So right now it's trapped in the USPS abyss between here and NJ
Dad: How abyssmal!
I am M2F trans with 2 kids. Although I am very fem, the dad jokes still sometimes slip. Tonight, I was speaking with a friend on Facebook and this classic came out while talking about my job hunt and seeking a position with Hanford and/or Bechtel (a nuclear facility)
"Hopefully I'll get at least an interview. I hear that it's a pretty toxic environment, but if you're in, it's a big nuclear family"