I don’t know how to put this. Something bad just happened, something awful. Ed is dead. Ed is supposed to be dead. I think… I’m not really sure. All I know is that I saw his burnt ass making an exit out of this shack, somehow... I’m writing this in the case that I wasn’t hallucinating. If I have to get in trouble, so be it. This is way too much.
The bottle is gone; I smashed it out of the shack and set the remains of that fucking poison on fire.
The others are… I don’t know, still huddled in their corners, I’m gonna finish writing this and head out.
It all started with Ed and this drink he brought. He wouldn’t tell anyone where or how he got that thing. The only thing he said is that he had tried it before and that it was a strong one. Edmund Meltzer was a weird fucking dude. He loved occult stuff, like for real. He has all these books and artifacts at his condo. He was really into that shit. We all knew he was a weird man, but we’ve also known for a long time that he’s harmless – well to the people he likes at the very least. All of us knew Ed’s not gonna poison us, so we didn’t question his secrecy about the alcohol, much.
Oh yeah, as a side note, I’m not mentioning any names here because I don’t want the guys to get into any more trouble. If we’re getting entangled with the law, they’ll check our phones, anyway. We’re all part of this WhatsApp group. That’s how you know who was here.
Anyway, after sniffing the contents of the bottle, we’ve all concluded it must be some honeyed something. Like honeyed wine, I guess. Yeah... It didn’t have any labels on it. It was strong, really strong. Even the best drinkers would feel the effects of this alcohol after a shot or two. The thing was strangely pleasant on the taste buds. Like a soda, one that made you light-headed and very agreeable. Ed warned us about not going too far with that spirit. He said if you drink too much, you’ll feel like you’re experiencing a cocaine overdose. That basically means your body will feel as if you’re being roasted alive. While your breathing turns hectic and shallow. Not to mention that your muscles will feel like they’re about to be torn off your bones. Of course, we all said we’d be careful with the damned thing. That all flew out of our heads once the liquid finally had gotten to our heads.
So, after getting drunk on some mystery booze, that bastard, Edmund suggested we try one of his crazy rituals. With all semblance of sense out of the window, we’ve agreed. Obviously, t
... keep reading on reddit ➡I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.
Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.
Do your worst!
They were cooked in Greece.
I'm surprised it hasn't decade.
Two muffins are in an oven, one muffin looks at the other and says "is it just me, or is it hot in here?"
Then the other muffin says "AHH, TALKING MUFFIN!!!"
Don't you know a good pun is its own reword?
For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.
I said "hey look, an escaPEA"
No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!
Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂
It really does, I swear!
Because she wanted to see the task manager.
But that’s comparing apples to oranges
And boy are my arms legs.
Heard they've been doing some shady business.
but then I remembered it was ground this morning.
Edit: Thank you guys for the awards, they're much nicer than the cardboard sleeve I've been using and reassures me that my jokes aren't stale
Edit 2: I have already been made aware that Men In Black 3 has told a version of this joke before. If the joke is not new to you, please enjoy any of the single origin puns in the comments
They’re on standbi
A play on words.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
And now I’m cannelloni
I don’t know how to put this. Something bad just happened, something awful. Ed is dead. Ed is supposed to be dead. I think… I’m not really sure. All I know is that I saw his burnt ass making an exit out of this shack, somehow... I’m writing this in the case that I wasn’t hallucinating. If I have to get in trouble, so be it. This is way too much.
The bottle is gone; I smashed it out of the shack and set the remains of that fucking poison on fire.
The others are… I don’t know, still huddled in their corners, I’m gonna finish writing this and head out.
It all started with Ed and this drink he brought. He wouldn’t tell anyone where or how he got that thing. The only thing he said is that he had tried it before and that it was a strong one. Edmund Meltzer was a weird fucking dude. He loved occult stuff, like for real. He has all these books and artifacts at his condo. He was really into that shit. We all knew he was a weird man, but we’ve also known for a long time that he’s harmless – well to the people he likes at the very least. All of us knew Ed’s not gonna poison us, so we didn’t question his secrecy about the alcohol, much.
Oh yeah, as a side note, I’m not mentioning any names here because I don’t want the guys to get into any more trouble. If we’re getting entangled with the law, they’ll check our phones, anyway. We’re all part of this WhatsApp group. That’s how you know who was here.
Anyway, after sniffing the contents of the bottle, we’ve all concluded it must be some honeyed something. Like honeyed wine, I guess. Yeah... It didn’t have any labels on it. It was strong, really strong. Even the best drinkers would feel the effects of this alcohol after a shot or two. The thing was strangely pleasant on the taste buds. Like a soda, one that made you light-headed and very agreeable. Ed warned us about not going too far with that spirit. He said if you drink too much, you’ll feel like you’re experiencing a cocaine overdose. That basically means your body will feel as if you’re being roasted alive. While your breathing turns hectic and shallow. Not to mention that your muscles will feel like they’re about to be torn off your bones. Of course, we all said we’d be careful with the damned thing. That all flew out of our heads once the liquid finally had gotten to our heads.
So, after getting drunk on some mystery booze, that bastard, Edmund suggested we try one of his crazy rituals. With all semblance of sense out of the window, we’ve agreed. Obviously, t
... keep reading on reddit ➡I don’t know how to put this. Something bad just happened, something awful. Ed is dead. Ed is supposed to be dead. I think… I’m not really sure. All I know is that I saw his burnt ass making an exit out of this shack, somehow... I’m writing this in the case that I wasn’t hallucinating. If I have to get in trouble, so be it. This is way too much.
The bottle is gone; I smashed it out of the shack and set the remains of that fucking poison on fire.
The others are… I don’t know, still huddled in their corners, I’m gonna finish writing this and head out.
It all started with Ed and this drink he brought. He wouldn’t tell anyone where or how he got that thing. The only thing he said is that he had tried it before and that it was a strong one. Edmund Meltzer was a weird fucking dude. He loved occult stuff, like for real. He has all these books and artifacts at his condo. He was really into that shit. We all knew he was a weird man, but we’ve also known for a long time that he’s harmless – well to the people he likes at the very least. All of us knew Ed’s not gonna poison us, so we didn’t question his secrecy about the alcohol, much.
Oh yeah, as a side note, I’m not mentioning any names here because I don’t want the guys to get into any more trouble. If we’re getting entangled with the law, they’ll check our phones, anyway. We’re all part of this WhatsApp group. That’s how you know who was here.
Anyway, after sniffing the contents of the bottle, we’ve all concluded it must be some honeyed something. Like honeyed wine, I guess. Yeah... It didn’t have any labels on it. It was strong, really strong. Even the best drinkers would feel the effects of this alcohol after a shot or two. The thing was strangely pleasant on the taste buds. Like a soda, one that made you light-headed and very agreeable. Ed warned us about not going too far with that spirit. He said if you drink too much, you’ll feel like you’re experiencing a cocaine overdose. That basically means your body will feel as if you’re being roasted alive. While your breathing turns hectic and shallow. Not to mention that your muscles will feel like they’re about to be torn off your bones. Of course, we all said we’d be careful with the damned thing. That all flew out of our heads once the liquid finally had gotten to our heads.
So, after getting drunk on some mystery booze, that bastard, Edmund suggested we try one of his crazy rituals. With all semblance of sense out of the window, we’ve agreed. Obviously, t
... keep reading on reddit ➡I don’t know how to put this. Something bad just happened, something awful. Ed is dead. Ed is supposed to be dead. I think… I’m not really sure. All I know is that I saw his burnt ass making an exit out of this shack, somehow... I’m writing this in the case that I wasn’t hallucinating. If I have to get in trouble, so be it. This is way too much.
The bottle is gone; I smashed it out of the shack and set the remains of that fucking poison on fire.
The others are… I don’t know, still huddled in their corners, I’m gonna finish writing this and head out.
It all started with Ed and this drink he brought. He wouldn’t tell anyone where or how he got that thing. The only thing he said is that he had tried it before and that it was a strong one. Edmund Meltzer was a weird fucking dude. He loved occult stuff, like for real. He has all these books and artifacts at his condo. He was really into that shit. We all knew he was a weird man, but we’ve also known for a long time that he’s harmless – well to the people he likes at the very least. All of us knew Ed’s not gonna poison us, so we didn’t question his secrecy about the alcohol, much.
Oh yeah, as a side note, I’m not mentioning any names here because I don’t want the guys to get into any more trouble. If we’re getting entangled with the law, they’ll check our phones, anyway. We’re all part of this WhatsApp group. That’s how you know who was here.
Anyway, after sniffing the contents of the bottle, we’ve all concluded it must be some honeyed something. Like honeyed wine, I guess. Yeah... It didn’t have any labels on it. It was strong, really strong. Even the best drinkers would feel the effects of this alcohol after a shot or two. The thing was strangely pleasant on the taste buds. Like a soda, one that made you light-headed and very agreeable. Ed warned us about not going too far with that spirit. He said if you drink too much, you’ll feel like you’re experiencing a cocaine overdose. That basically means your body will feel as if you’re being roasted alive. While your breathing turns hectic and shallow. Not to mention that your muscles will feel like they’re about to be torn off your bones. Of course, we all said we’d be careful with the damned thing. That all flew out of our heads once the liquid finally had gotten to our heads.
So, after getting drunk on some mystery booze, that bastard, Edmund suggested we try one of his crazy rituals. With all semblance of sense out of the window, we’ve agreed. Obviously, t
... keep reading on reddit ➡I don’t know how to put this. Something bad just happened, something awful. Ed is dead. Ed is supposed to be dead. I think… I’m not really sure. All I know is that I saw his burnt ass making an exit out of this shack, somehow... I’m writing this in the case that I wasn’t hallucinating. If I have to get in trouble, so be it. This is way too much.
The bottle is gone; I smashed it out of the shack and set the remains of that fucking poison on fire.
The others are… I don’t know, still huddled in their corners, I’m gonna finish writing this and head out.
It all started with Ed and this drink he brought. He wouldn’t tell anyone where or how he got that thing. The only thing he said is that he had tried it before and that it was a strong one. Edmund Meltzer was a weird fucking dude. He loved occult stuff, like for real. He has all these books and artifacts at his condo. He was really into that shit. We all knew he was a weird man, but we’ve also known for a long time that he’s harmless – well to the people he likes at the very least. All of us knew Ed’s not gonna poison us, so we didn’t question his secrecy about the alcohol, much.
Oh yeah, as a side note, I’m not mentioning any names here because I don’t want the guys to get into any more trouble. If we’re getting entangled with the law, they’ll check our phones, anyway. We’re all part of this WhatsApp group. That’s how you know who was here.
Anyway, after sniffing the contents of the bottle, we’ve all concluded it must be some honeyed something. Like honeyed wine, I guess. Yeah... It didn’t have any labels on it. It was strong, really strong. Even the best drinkers would feel the effects of this alcohol after a shot or two. The thing was strangely pleasant on the taste buds. Like a soda, one that made you light-headed and very agreeable. Ed warned us about not going too far with that spirit. He said if you drink too much, you’ll feel like you’re experiencing a cocaine overdose. That basically means your body will feel as if you’re being roasted alive. While your breathing turns hectic and shallow. Not to mention that your muscles will feel like they’re about to be torn off your bones. Of course, we all said we’d be careful with the damned thing. That all flew out of our heads once the liquid finally had gotten to our heads.
So, after getting drunk on some mystery booze, that bastard, Edmund suggested we try one of his crazy rituals. With all semblance of sense out of the window, we’ve agreed. Obviously, t
... keep reading on reddit ➡