Managed to elicit some groans while watching suicide squad

I'd gone to see the movie with my cousins and there's a scene in which croc is doing a lot of push ups. So I whispered to unlucky cousin sitting next to me, "he's a member of a gym called crocsfit". That look of pure disgust is what I live for.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sid3091
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2016
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I have a invention! It's a small edible device that would freshen your breath while simultaneously releasing a subtle and soothing A-chord. You would use the device (with the fresh breath and soothing sound) to help increase the effectiveness of apologies.

I call it:

THE A-TONE-MINT!!!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gbeeson
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2016
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True story: We we’re driving in the car today when my five year old found an umbrella and opened it...

My wife yelled at him to close it immediately, as it wasn’t safe in a moving vehicle. I told her it wasn’t a big deal since both of our vehicles have umbrella insurance.

The kids didn’t get it but it elicited a nice groan from the wife, so I’m pretty sure it counts.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The1hangingchad
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2018
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Dad : Did you hear about the kidnapping at school ?

Son : No, what happened ?

Dad : It is ok he woke up.

Edit: Thank you the upvotes guys.TIL that the only requirement for a dad joke is that it elicits not a laugh from its audience but the annoyed response:"Daaaaaaaad". Hope you enjoyed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/deadfamousdinesh
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2016
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My new punny cross stitch. imgur.com/5PZKIdz
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tara6jade
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2015
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Dads, Dinners, and Drinks

Sitting at dinner with some friends.

Him - I don't think I can drink this second lemonade. Me - I guess you could say your thirst was e'lemonade'd

Cue the groans.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Porphyrous
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2014
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So proud of my son

My son was a councilor at a summer camp for kids.

One day he came home from work and told me that he heard me come out of his mouth twice in one day.

Whenever we drove somewhere with the kids, the answer to the inevitable question, "how much longer till we get there", was 20 minutes, whether it was 5 minutes or 5 hours.

So, they were taking a bus load of kids to the baseball stadium and one kid asked, "how much longer till we get there", and my son almost bit his own tongue off when he heard himself say , "20 minutes".

While they were waiting on line to enter the stadium, another kid asked, "How long do we have to wait?" My son answered, "four minutes and 60 seconds." This elicited the response, "That's too long," to which he replied, "well how about five minutes".

He tried to bash his own head against the rocks.

I'm so proud. :-)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/small_e_900
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2013
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My dad has three jokes in his repertoire that he always uses.

So I would imagine he would probably be pretty proud of me sharing his "jokes" on here. Even though they were a persistent annoyance for me growing up, I almost feel like sharing them with the Reddit world kind of takes away some of the specialness. I can't claim any of these are original, but outside of my father, I've never heard anyone else use them.

#1. Whenever he has to pay for anything ANYWHERE, he says, "my name is Crime". The usual reaction is a blank stare. Then he says, "Crime doesn't pay".

#2. Anytime we go out to a restaurant and the waiter comes to hand us our check he says, "No thanks we can't stay for the drawing, you can contact us by phone if we win anything".

#3. The mother of all his "dad jokes", this one elicits the most laughter. Anytime he tells someone how he met my mom he says, "In college I used to be her tutor. I tutored her in anatomy by braille".

He'll on occasion drop others, but those are the ones I grew up with and that he still continues to use to this day. The crime joke. Every. Single. Day. I'm surprised my mother hasn't murdered him after all these years...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/meadwill
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2014
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The instructor of an IT course I took at a private college told this one.

"What do you call someone else's cheese? Nacho cheese!"

This elicited a few chuckles.

"Kay...So..."

I realised I was the only one who laughed at this.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MagicBandAid
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2014
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