My doctor told me I'm going deaf.
The news was hard for me to hear.
My doctor says that when you die, your pupils are the last thing to go.
I went in for a Covid test and my doctor asked if I had a sudden loss of taste
"No, I always dress like this", I replied.
I told my doctor I thought my arm was broken, in several places.
He said "Well, you should probably avoid those places in the future."
Doctor to patient do you smoke?
Patient: yes.
Doctor: marijuana, cigarettes, cigars, Vapes?
Patient: mostly brisket, and pork.
What do you call a native Alaskan eye doctor??
An Optical Aleutian
I’ll see myself out...
A man walks into his doctor’s office and says, “Doctor, I think I’m addicted to Twitter.”
The doctor looks at him and says, “Sorry, I don’t follow you."
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex
But my wife insists it's for Dyslexia
My doctor told me to start doing hand exercises.
I’m struggling to grasp the importance of this.
Why did doctors name them hemorrhoids?
My uncle died last week because the doctors couldn't figure out his blood type.
At least my uncle was being supportive as he kept on yelling, "Be positive!"
Doctor: “How is the boy who swallowed the quarter?”
I Told My Doctor I Broke My Leg In 2 Places
He said not to go to those places again
Why did the chimney go to the doctor?
What do you call an Egyptian doctor?
A man walks into the doctor's office
"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's.. erm .. well ... I have five penises." replies the man.
"Ah ok. How do your trousers fit?" asks the doc.
"Like a glove."
Doctor: "Alcoholism is a disease. "
Bartender: "Get your shots here !!"
Wife took a picture of Doctor Hoo
I asked my doctor what I could do about my irritated eyes. He said "check out conjunctivitis.com."
"It's a site for sore eyes."
Just thought this : I went to the doctor cause I was pooping clocks
The doctor told me i was wasting time
Doctor: “Sir, I have some bad news, I’m afraid your DNA is backwards”
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
The nurse tells the doctor: "There's an invisible man in the waiting room."
The doctor replies: "Tell him I can't see him now."
As a doctor, I never make jokes about an unvaccinated baby.
But let me give it a shot.
My doctor told me to cut down on red meat.
So, could you brown it up a bit?
My doctor just told me that i was color blind
that came completely out of the orange
My doctor told me to drink two bottles of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can’t even finish drinking the hot bath
Which eye doctor makes you happy?
An Italian man loses his hands from bike accident. What did his parents ask the doctor?
“Will my son able to speak again?”
A woman suddenly in labor shouts, shouldn’t! wouldn’t! couldn’t! didn’t! can’t! The doctor says "don't worry."
“Those are just contractions.”
"Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway!" My youngest son thought of that all by himself and shared it with us during Christmas dinner!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Honolulu...
Doctor to the patient:
- Can you hear better with the hearing aid that I recommended?
- Yes, I can. Thank you very much, doctor. I've already re-written my Will 3 times.
The first doctor to ever perform a vasectomy ....
.....really got the ball rolling.
A man woke up in the hospital after a serious accident, the man yelled "DOCTOR! DOCTOR, I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!"
The doctor then replied "i know, i amputated your arms."
Patient: “Doctor! Somethings wrong! I’m shrinking!”
Doctor: “Take it easy, sir. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”
I went to see my doctor about my bowel problem.
He said, "What's the problem?"
I said, "Well, lately I've been measuring the length of my bowel movements, and they are considerably smaller than what they should be. About 8.5 centimetres smaller, in fact."
He said, "Sounds to me like you need to get out more."
A man went to the doctor’s and told him, “I feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.”
He said, “Wow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”
The earliest memory I have is going to the doctor with my dad to get my eyes checked.
Things before that is a blur.
A guy wakes up in hospital and screams, "Doctor, Doctor, I can't feel my legs."
Doctor replies, "Of course not, I've cut off your arms."
A Man rushed into a Doctor's office shouting ' help me Doctor, I'm shrinking' The Doctor calmly said ' Now settle down a bit '..
.. you'll just have to learn to be a little patient.
A local contractor hired a pasta chef to redo the interior of a doctor’s office that studies antibiotics.
The inside looks great! They have a penne ceiling.
My doctor told me I'm going deaf
The news was very hard to hear
My doctor said that when you die, your pupils are the last thing to go....
Doctor you've got you help me, I'm addicted to twitter.
Doctor: I don't follow you.
a lady goes to the doctor and says I’m addicted to Twitter
the doctor says I don’t follow you
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at work.
So, I have an uncle, once removed.
Man: "Doctor, Doctor. All my sons want to be valets when they grow up."
Doctor: "WOW, That's the worst case of Parking Son's disease I've ever seen."
"Doctor, I'm shrinking."
"Well, you just have to be a little patient."
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
