Dividable Puns

Pumpkin Pi

Intersections

Edit: for non-native speakers, roundabout is a traffic circle.

Velociraptor.

They really halve their shit together

Because the autobots had Optimus Prime

But the lady behind the till keeps putting it back

But sum are

But I will make one if I halve two.

...right in front of a house where there’s a huge party going on. He walks in and notices that the party is somewhat divided. There’s a clear distinction between the people waiting for the bathroom and the people queued up for drinks, etc.

Considering the urgency of the bathroom queue, he walks over to the drinks table and asks everyone there if they wouldn’t mind helping him push his car to get it started. They agree but even with the full might of several people, the car doesn’t budge. He thanks them for trying and they all head back inside.

A little while later, the doorbell rings. The man sees the host open the door to the largest pizza guy he’s ever seen. The behemoth is holding 15 pizzas with one hand, a pallet of buffalo wings with the other, with a keg strapped to each shoulder. The man jumps up and asks the pizza guy for his help pushing the car. He agrees and they head to the street.

With barely one touch of a pinky on one hand, the car lurches forward and starts right up. The man drives off, waving behind him and yelling a quick, “Thank you.”

As he catches sight of the party fading into the distance, he says to himself...

“Thank goodness for the delivery because that punch line sure is weak.”

Where there’s a will, there’s a whey.

They say it's a better way to get a tan.

You're welcome

But it's what's inside that counts

Only a fraction of you will understand that

Edit: I see this joke has been quite divisive! Thank you to everyone who made this joke a thousand times better in the comments, you're all amazing, and thank you for the awards!

They are calling it marks-ism

She must be in-Seine!

With a pair of Caesars

Because he had a lot of problems.

is a duplex with angry neighbors.

Pumpkin Pi

Red Sea /2 = .5

You parrot.

Christmas Eve and Christmas dinner are already spoken for, but Thanksgiving hasn't been discussed yet. Thanksgiving is usually at my father-in-law's, but my stepmother-in-law has previously hinted that she might not want to host anymore.

Wife: "I talked to [stepmother-in-law] today, and she didn't say 'boo' about Thanksgiving."

Me: "Did she say 'gobble gobble'?"

I responded, "that is a prime example."

That’s Cole’s Law.

Pumpkin Pi

Pumpkin pi

Pumpkin pi

…the lady behind the counter keeps putting it back.

Pumpkin Pi...

Pumpkin π

Pumpkin pi

Pumpkin π

Pumpkin Pi

Pumpkin Pi

You get pumpkin pi.