What’s the difference between a joke and 3 dicks?

Your mom can’t take a joke

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chxirimela16
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2018
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I was gonna make a joke about my dick....

but it's probably too short

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zStratoss
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2017
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Living with my friend Cole can be tough sometimes.

He's got all these really weird rules you have to follow, like whenever you eat cabbage, he insists you have to eat it with mayonnaise.

It's just Cole's law.

(Thought of this one whilst trying to come up with puns to annoy my husband. He abhors dad jokes, and receiving this look -_- means I did a good job.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/arthur_nemosnax
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
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The genie asked, "What’s your first wish?" Steve replied, "I wish I was rich!" The genie nodded and said, "What’s your second wish?"

Rich exclaimed, "I want lots of money!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
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What works faster than a calculator?

A calcu-now.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yellowlemonie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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Two Deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says

β€œI can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Merlin-5
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
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"Your underwear is much too tight and very revealing." I said to my wife.

She said, "Wear your own then, dickhead."

πŸ‘︎ 19k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
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Momma always told me "you are what you eat!" So I started eating mushrooms every day.

I wanted to become a fun guy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/-Masderus-
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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I was at the store with my wife picking out a turkey and she seemed unimpressed by the size. She asked "do they get any bigger?"

I looked her in the eyes and replied "no honey, they're dead."

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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Cruise go brr
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TelepathicPsych
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
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My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."

"Stop eating caterpillars!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
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My son asked me for something hard to write on

I don't know why he got so mad, sand is pretty hard to write on

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Unknown_Gamer944
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
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*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...

He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:

-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!

Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.

-Ok, so... your current name is.. Β·chucklesΒ· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...

-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.

After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.

-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?

-Charles Fart.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gone11gone11
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
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Did you know you cannot breath through the nose while you're smiling?

Haha, I made you smile.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/osman_uat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
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Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?

Because then it'd be a foot!

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
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What’s the difference between Keanu and a bakery thief?

Keanu is breathtaking, the other one is breadtaking.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/internet_warlord
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
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My boss hates when I shorten his name to Dick.

Especially because his name’s Steve.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shonzo18
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2019
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How much to get a pirate piercing?

A buck an ear...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2020
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How do you say, "Richard and Robert retrieved a rabbit" without pronouncing the "r's?"

Dick and Bob caught a bunny.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Amoreena23
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2016
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My 5 y/o dadjoked me

Son: This candy taste like life.

Me: What?

Son : Because it is hard.

I have no idea where he got that concept from.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2015
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It takes balls to have a circumcision
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dolor455
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2019
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I walked into work today and there was a sign that said "no drugs, no mittens!"

I walked up to my coworker and said "I get 'no drugs' but what is the deal with mittens?"

He looked at me very concerned and said "Everyone knows mittens are a gateway glove!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/diabeo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2018
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Good Morning Dad

Me: Morning, What's up?

Dad: WE ARE! HAHAH

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πŸ‘€︎ u/W0000SHH
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2014
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What becomes shorter when you add 2 letters?

Short

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πŸ‘€︎ u/robbyis4chainz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2015
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I used to call my dad a donkey...

Ok so when I was about 11 I went through a phase when I was nearly ok with swearing or calling my parents names but still not mentally capable of swearing in front of my parents so I would call my dad a "donkey" whenever he was being a dick. After a while of calling him a donkey he would then respond with this every time I called him it....

"EEEEEEEOOWAYS CALLS ME THAT!"

He would then laugh for about 5 minutes at his own shitty joke. Pissed me off so much that I refuse to say the word donkey around him at all.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BazzaDazza
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2014
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Every single time...

Every time we enter a restroom. At home, church, bar, movie theater, etc. We walk upto the urinals and with that stupid smirk you only get when you're about to tell the most funny joke ever; loudly for everyone to hear he says: "This must be where all the Dicks hangout." 25 years later, It still gets me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vyrot89
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2014
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The running jokes..

For a little background my dad enjoys the more vulgar jokes. Anyway, he often jokes about his "company." In fact every time he answers the phone he answers as if it's a call towards his company.

(He answers the phone) "Hello this is the Viiiiibrator Repair Service." Caller - "the what?" Dad - "This is Dick Phitzwell's Vibrator Repair Service, as of right now only the installation department is available."

It's not a joke really cause there's no funny punchline. The caller normally laughs and then carries on with the call.

Another one he likes, "What does an 80 year old woman taste like?

Depends.."

The other day we are at the beach. We're walking back to our vehicle and he's carrying his metal detector in his hands. Random beachgoer - "Did you find anything?" Dad - "No, unfortunately my battery went dead... just like my ex-wife's 'curling iron' under her pillow."

There's many many more. I'll have to catalog them in some form. Let me know if you'd like to hear the life and times of Dick Phitzwell.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rentz3
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2014
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A dirty-ish joke that my dad once told me...

So my dad told me this joke several years ago. I later found it on the internet. So I'm just pasting it here as it is written online:


A good looking man walked into an agent’s office in Hollywood and said β€˜I want to be a movie star.’ Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, β€˜What’s your name?’

The guy said, β€˜My name is Penis van Lesbian.’

The agent said, β€˜Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood you are going to have to change your name.’

β€˜I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever!’

The agent said, β€˜Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years… you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I’m telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.’

β€˜So be it! I guess we will not do business together’ the guy said and he left the agent’s office.

FIVE YEARS LATER….. The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed:

Dear Sir,

Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood and you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HAL9000000
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2013
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Is... is my wife a dad?

Conversation that just took place.

Wife: For my New Year's resolution, I'm all about fitness...

Me: Oh that's nice.

Wife: ...fitting dis dick inside me!

Me: [laughs] Oh my god that's like a slutty dad joke!

Wife: You mean a mom joke?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnny_pilgrim
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2014
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