CDC declares Diarrhea to be a genetic disease

It runs in your jeans

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πŸ‘€︎ u/annthaknee
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
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A good title for a conservative news article a couple days ago when Trump declared β€œStop the count!” after Biden started making gains but Trump still could’ve shocked the world would’ve been...

β€œTrump’s Not Down For the Count”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shadow_Boxer1987
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
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After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...

My wife just tells me which ones to wear.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
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The World Health Organization has declared that dogs cannot transmit the Corona Virus and should not be quarantined any longer.

W.H.O. Lets the dogs out!

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rgapinski
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
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Verily I gave unto him a goblet, and forthwith hailed him by the name he hath previously declared to me...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/masterpososo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
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Why was horse declared as innocent by the judge?

Because he de-neigh-ed everything.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ViShAl2212
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
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All letters of the alphabet except for c have been declared hate symbols by the anti defamation league. Why?

They are "not c".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ultraguardrail
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
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I'm never leaving a living will.

As soon as my foot falls asleep, my wife's going to declare me brain dead.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Xi_32
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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Where was the Declaration of Independence signed ?

At the bottom

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
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My friend declared bankruptcy and disappeared to get rid of all his bills...

It was his un-due-ing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
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A Vulture is about to get on a plane.

Do you have any baggage to declare?

No thanks, just carrion.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Apollonius_Cone
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
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Chaos, subterfuge, and conflict ensued as a giant primate chased everyone off the pier, declaring it his own and invoking his title.

Gorilla wharf heir.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeromocles
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
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The World Health Organization has declared that dogs cannot transmit Coronavirus, and there is no reason to quarantine dogs anymore. /r/Jokes/comments/fe5cmp/…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfowler11
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2020
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Was discussing groceries with my parents earlier tonight when my mom declared (of my dad), "he buys cereal then never eats it!"

I immediately interjected, "Wait: Are you saying dad is a cereal offenderβ€½"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/riskable
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2020
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Teacher: β€œTrue or False? The Declaration of Independence was written in Philadelphia.”

Student: β€œFalse. It was written in ink.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RobRoy333
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
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A woman was found guilty and the judge declared she will serve 10 years in prison or she can sleep with him. He got in trouble for

Ending a sentence with a proposition.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/justryingtokeepup
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
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Forever 21 declared bankruptcy.

Guess it should have been called Temporary 21...

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2019
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I got fired from my job at the glass factory for failing to declare my expenses.

Apparently transparency is very important to them.

(I'll let myself out...)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rc538
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
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What do Jewish dogs do at 13?

They have a Bark Mitzvah.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Malisix
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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What do you call it when a cowboy declares holy war?

Yihad!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rodlenzen2
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2019
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Did you hear that cats have carried out a Coup in Barcelona and declared independence from Spain?

They're calling themselves the Republic of Catalo-nya.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OhHiGCHQ
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
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I hear it is national cheesecake day today

But cheese and cake sound like an awful combo so I declare this my first cakeday instead

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kobykins
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
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I was watching Mysteries at the Museum with my 8-year old daughter when they showed the quills used to write the Declaration of Independence, Constitution & Bill or Rights.

My daughter said, "that makes them the founding feathers, dad."

I've never been so proud.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2019
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I heard they put the declaration of independence in a museum,

They renamed it the decoration of independence.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2019
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Looking out his window, a viking named Rudolph the Red declared, "It's going to rain."

His wife asked, "How do you know?"

"Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BassWizard420
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2018
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Most Sundays I declare, "I'm taking a stand, we are eating Chick-fil-a today or nothing at all!"
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πŸ‘€︎ u/patrickleddin
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2017
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Next in the Bourne series: Jason goes rogue and captures Benjamin Netanyahu, and declares himself permanent ruler.

Don’t miss β€œBourne is the King of Israel”

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2018
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What do you call a short mexican?

A paragraph, because hes too short to be an esse

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AgamGamez
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
🚨︎ report
SchrΓΆdinger's Question

Q.Who declared corona a pandemic? -WHO declared corona a pandemic.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Ayush_Kumar_
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Get vectored mate
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zj_y33t
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
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Driving thru customs, standard dad answer when asked if there were any food or animals to declare...

"Just the wife"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Leiderdorp
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2013
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How do tomatoes declare their love for each other?

"Man, i love you from my head tomatoes."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jessaiee
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2016
🚨︎ report
As the judge cleaned out her coffee maker, she boldly declared...

"These are grounds for dismissal."

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2017
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Yetis have declared their own independent state in the Himalayas.

It's an abomination.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigfoothobbit
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2017
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The girlfriend with a religious identity crisis declares "If that exists, I'm a Christian rebel".

"So you're a Protestant."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tamer_
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2016
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I got voted in as Chairman of the Walkie-Talkie Association today

The vote was 10 - 4

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
🚨︎ report
A man walked into a Library...

A Man Walked into a Library. He approached the front desk, rapped on the wood with his knuckles, and declared "MA'AM, I WOULD LIKE A CHEESEBURGER AND FRIES." The receptionist was startled, and replied "sir, please.. this is a library!" The man gasped, looked around surprised, and replied in a very quiet whisper: "i'm so sorry. i would like a cheeseburger and fries."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bbacconnn
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
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I rest my case.
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RabbitGuySentMe
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2017
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The World Health Organization has declared that dogs can’t transmit corona virus and therefore dogs don’t need to be quarantined anymore.

W.H.O let the dogs out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zuckerschneggle
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

At the bottom

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Robman2021
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

At the bottom.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Treyness
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2018
🚨︎ report

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