CDC declares Diarrhea to be a genetic disease
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︎ Oct 28 2020
A good title for a conservative news article a couple days ago when Trump declared βStop the count!β after Biden started making gains but Trump still couldβve shocked the world wouldβve been...
βTrumpβs Not Down For the Countβ
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︎ Nov 06 2020
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
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︎ Sep 19 2020
The World Health Organization has declared that dogs cannot transmit the Corona Virus and should not be quarantined any longer.
W.H.O. Lets the dogs out!
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︎ Mar 07 2020
Verily I gave unto him a goblet, and forthwith hailed him by the name he hath previously declared to me...
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︎ Jul 25 2020
Why was horse declared as innocent by the judge?
Because he de-neigh-ed everything.
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︎ Jul 10 2020
All letters of the alphabet except for c have been declared hate symbols by the anti defamation league. Why?
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︎ Jul 02 2020
I'm never leaving a living will.
As soon as my foot falls asleep, my wife's going to declare me brain dead.
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︎ Jan 10 2021
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed ?
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︎ May 22 2020
My friend declared bankruptcy and disappeared to get rid of all his bills...
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︎ May 07 2020
A Vulture is about to get on a plane.
Do you have any baggage to declare?
No thanks, just carrion.
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︎ Dec 08 2020
Chaos, subterfuge, and conflict ensued as a giant primate chased everyone off the pier, declaring it his own and invoking his title.
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︎ Mar 05 2020
The World Health Organization has declared that dogs cannot transmit Coronavirus, and there is no reason to quarantine dogs anymore.
/r/Jokes/comments/fe5cmp/β¦
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︎ Mar 06 2020
Was discussing groceries with my parents earlier tonight when my mom declared (of my dad), "he buys cereal then never eats it!"
I immediately interjected, "Wait: Are you saying dad is a cereal offenderβ½"
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︎ Jan 09 2020
Teacher: βTrue or False? The Declaration of Independence was written in Philadelphia.β
Student: βFalse. It was written in ink.β
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︎ Jul 04 2019
A woman was found guilty and the judge declared she will serve 10 years in prison or she can sleep with him. He got in trouble for
Ending a sentence with a proposition.
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︎ Nov 03 2019
Forever 21 declared bankruptcy.
Guess it should have been called Temporary 21...
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︎ Oct 02 2019
I got fired from my job at the glass factory for failing to declare my expenses.
Apparently transparency is very important to them.
(I'll let myself out...)
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︎ Jan 25 2019
What do Jewish dogs do at 13?
They have a Bark Mitzvah.
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︎ Sep 07 2020
What do you call it when a cowboy declares holy war?
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︎ May 27 2019
Did you hear that cats have carried out a Coup in Barcelona and declared independence from Spain?
They're calling themselves the Republic of Catalo-nya.
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︎ Jun 17 2019
I hear it is national cheesecake day today
But cheese and cake sound like an awful combo so I declare this my first cakeday instead
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︎ Jul 30 2020
I was watching Mysteries at the Museum with my 8-year old daughter when they showed the quills used to write the Declaration of Independence, Constitution & Bill or Rights.
My daughter said, "that makes them the founding feathers, dad."
I've never been so proud.
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︎ Feb 12 2019
I heard they put the declaration of independence in a museum,
They renamed it the decoration of independence.
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︎ Apr 27 2019
Looking out his window, a viking named Rudolph the Red declared, "It's going to rain."
His wife asked, "How do you know?"
"Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
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︎ Dec 07 2018
Most Sundays I declare, "I'm taking a stand, we are eating Chick-fil-a today or nothing at all!"
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︎ Dec 13 2017
Next in the Bourne series: Jason goes rogue and captures Benjamin Netanyahu, and declares himself permanent ruler.
Donβt miss βBourne is the King of Israelβ
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︎ Jul 09 2018
What do you call a short mexican?
A paragraph, because hes too short to be an esse
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︎ Jun 12 2019
SchrΓΆdinger's Question
Q.Who declared corona a pandemic?
-WHO declared corona a pandemic.
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︎ May 03 2020
Get vectored mate
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︎ Dec 12 2019
Driving thru customs, standard dad answer when asked if there were any food or animals to declare...
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︎ Aug 25 2013
How do tomatoes declare their love for each other?
"Man, i love you from my head tomatoes."
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︎ Nov 16 2016
As the judge cleaned out her coffee maker, she boldly declared...
"These are grounds for dismissal."
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︎ Aug 23 2017
Yetis have declared their own independent state in the Himalayas.
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︎ Feb 20 2017
The girlfriend with a religious identity crisis declares "If that exists, I'm a Christian rebel".
"So you're a Protestant."
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︎ Nov 11 2016
I got voted in as Chairman of the Walkie-Talkie Association today
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︎ Nov 02 2019
A man walked into a Library...
A Man Walked into a Library. He approached the front desk, rapped on the wood with his knuckles, and declared "MA'AM, I WOULD LIKE A CHEESEBURGER AND FRIES." The receptionist was startled, and replied "sir, please.. this is a library!" The man gasped, looked around surprised, and replied in a very quiet whisper: "i'm so sorry. i would like a cheeseburger and fries."
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︎ Mar 20 2020
I rest my case.
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︎ Jun 22 2017
The World Health Organization has declared that dogs canβt transmit corona virus and therefore dogs donβt need to be quarantined anymore.
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︎ Apr 28 2020
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
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︎ May 16 2019
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
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︎ Jul 13 2018
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