I came out to my whole family this summer, and everyone dealt with it in different ways, some better than others. but since then everyone's gotten on the same page. everyone usually names me correctly except for my Grandma J. She still calls me by my old full name on reflex, and today we sat in front of the Christmas tree and we talked about it.
She told me "I'm sorry I keep saying ____ I know how you feel, because that's how I feel about being called Jeannette." I never knew her name was actually Jeannette. I only ever heard her be called Jenny or Grandma J. so I said "what if whenever you call me _____ I get to call you Jeannette?" She said "oh nobody's called me that in years, I only ever got called Jeannette if I was in trouble." Then she paused, and she stuck out her hand and said, "it's a deal."
so i’m 3 months in on hormones and social transition.
my partner continues to call me by my dead name .
a month ago i asked them to stop, but they didn’t. i came out to my parents, my aunt and my sister last weekend and they immediately started using my new name and pronouns.
after the weekend i asked my part to start calling me by the name that everyone has been calling me for the past 3 months and to stop using the dead name.
my partner said that they don’t want to, and that i am pressuring them into a change they are not ready for.
i tried to explain that,to me, the constant use of the dead name is upsetting me now. my partner told me that they do want to talk about it and if i just stop making it an issue they will finally adjust.
i need some perspectives on this please. we get on well and have kids together, but this is really beginning to upset me and i don’t know if it’s something i should be kicking off about or to give things time and wait and see.
please help
My mental health is pretty bad right now, the political climate the way it is. How can I cope better? How do you handle it?
I just tell them I go by "x" now and when they tell me "you'll always be y to me" I think "well that's what boundaries are for." and I don't respond or talk to them, really.
You guys are all a fantastic bunch <3 look at you.
Thank you for the silver <3 you made my birthday extra nice ^_^
Love this subreddit and think it’s hysterical but sometimes I’ll read a post that will use a trans person’s deadname (I remember one abt contrapoints) and it just felt wrong. I’ve seen it other times too. Like, even tho I understand it was part of “the joke”, that’s a real trans person that you’re actively deadnaming regardless of if it was “being satirical”. If you’re doing it to yourself I get it but idk it just seems a bit off to me so I thought I’d share.
I have a very transphobic english teacher who keeps misgendering and deadnaming me despite being out to her since spring 2021.
For winter break, she gave me an assignment on something that's irrelevant and I'd rather not waste time elaborating on.
To make her get the signal, I'd like to submit a doc full of links to reputable evidence that misgendering/deadnaming a trans person impacts them negatively. No "if"s, no "but"s. Not even "I can't use anything else than your legal name because it's not in your documents".
I know that stuff exists, but I need like a lot and from valid resources, which is something I'm very bad at gathering.
Is anyone here kind enough to link me to what I'm looking for? Thank you in advance <3
(I don't care if this affects my grades, my english is almost perfect and I have zero bad marks)
And yes he did this On CHRISTMAS. Today. Last time I visited them I came out to them, and they out right refused to use my pronouns and said I am a man and I’ll never be a woman… well I had enough so I text him this. “It's not deadname, it's ****. I'm a woman. You've shown you can't respect that or refer to me as such. I have no desire to see either you or grandma EVER again.”
So yeah my Christmas isn’t going the best… but you know? I’m gonna make the best out of it.
Stay strong, stay positive, one love my fellow sisters.
Happy Holidays 🖤
-A
Edit: Wanted to say thank you to everyone for taking the time to reply, I appreciate it, and I appreciate you. Stay safe everyone.
I pass in almost every respect, I've legally changed my name, and I try so hard not to do anything that comes across as masculine and yet somehow it seems like they still keep getting confused. It's been a year of this and I'm starting to feel like I just look like shit and don't actually pass. I feel like they see it as some sort of performance, not who I am. Like I don't deserve to call myself a woman.
I came out to her a month ago and just saw her in person for the first time since then, and she made no effort at all to use my chosen name + pronouns and deadnamed me constantly, almost excessively. Made me question if she is even taking what I told her seriously. She also stared at my chest and it was weird. Not really looking for advice just support would be nice :(
My mom can’t seem to understand how harmful and disrespectful dead naming can be. I may be overreacting because I am not trans and don’t have a say so I turn to the community :)
I have a friend whom I have known all my life, who recently came out as trans. My mother has also known him all of his life and around him calls him by his chosen name. When we aren’t around him however she will sometimes refer to him as “Current name formerly known as dead name” or will refer to him as “deadname/current name” or “her but now him” when talking about him, EVEN TO OTHER PEOPLE.
She excuses it as “I have known them all their life so it’s hard to get used it, I’ve been so good about it, I didn’t grow up with trans people” and stuff like this.
The main thing she has trouble with is she ALWAYS deadnames him when referring to him pre-coming out like talking about his childhood. Like “when *deadname first saw their sister..” and it REALLY bothers me. He is like a brother to me and I can’t stand here be watch my mother do this to him. She also gets mad at me saying “you aren’t being very tolerant of me” and “why are you do hard on me and so rude”.
Am I overreacting? Should I be doing more or less? I am taking suggestions and am willing to do what I need to do (except maybe an airhorn, as amazing as that would be I don’t need any tickets to sky city)
I’ve been out for several months now to my best friend and another friend. I’m a little over 6 weeks on testosterone which they know, and we’ve had multiple different conversations about trans stuff. My best friend has been really happy for me supportive, but there’s certain things she does that really don’t sit great with me. For example, she avoids referring to me with any sort of pronouns in public, she’ll just avoid using pronouns all together and sort of dance around it. Today we were hanging out with my other friend I’m out to and they both misgendered me the entire night. They actually didn’t even correctly gender me once all night. I’m a pretty passive person and I don’t know what to say in this situation so I never said anything about it. But I kept purposely bringing up that I’m trans or mentioning something related to that soon after any time they misgendered me in order to try and remind them for the next time, but it didn’t work. I know neither of these friends would deliberately try to do this to hurt me, but it still stings really bad. My voice is probably the thing that gives me the most dysphoria because it’s so feminine, and I pass decently without talking, so I know that once it’s deeper this issue should probably go away, because they’ll hear a “guys voice” and gender me correctly. However I wish they could correctly gender me before any medical changes. I don’t want people to look at me and only think about me being trans when we talk, but it would be nice if they remembered more so they would correctly refer to me like??? Idk sorry this turned into a rant but since my friends are the ones doing this I don’t really have anyone else to talk to about this. I’ve just been feeling really shitty about myself all night since I got home. I love my best friend, but this really hurts. I would appreciate any advice or kind words of support. I have 0 queer friends let alone trans friends so I’m just feeling really isolated and depressed right now
So I came out to my mom once at 13 (she constantly used wrong pronouns and deadnamed me and due to reasons I had to fake being cis for a few years) and now a while ago I snapped and came out again and told her my pronouns and name.
Difference is she now uses my old pronouns and deadname even more than before I came out and only once in a sarcastic way used my name.
Is she intentionally using wrong pronouns and deadname to try to "turn" me cis? It's getting to my core
I'm a little bit drunk right now but that's hardly relevant, I just want to vent tbh. Anyway, I came out as transgender a month ago and most of my friends have been supportive of me l but my parents still see me as their son and its really starting to fucking annoy me. My mother tries but she still sometimes misgenderes me, but my dad hasn't even fucking tried to correctly name or refer to me as my gender, I've told him multiple times how much it hurts to be misgendered and how much its hurts to hear my old name, which BTW is a name that I've always hated, I'm not really looking for advice, I just needed to get this off my chest, it honestly makes me think I should have just stayed in the closet tbh. Sorry.
So I came out as trans to my family around 6 months ago and they're really supportive (they weren't when I was younger but now I'm older (20s) are accepting). The name I chose works well as it shortens down to Em which my previous name also shortened to, and is what I've asked family to use exclusively now. However my mum especially keeps not using it. I understood it may take a while to get used to only using it, but we're 6 months later and still uses my deadname more than anything else. I keep asking, and she does say sorry and that she's getting used to it but I'm just beginning to struggle a little. She deadnames me in front of new people, in public, and privately. I have tried to be nice and just correct her each time but I feel like I'm at breaking point and nothing is changing. The only time I hear that name now is when I come home to the family, and it's just really affecting our relationship. Was just wondering how long it took others family etc to stop using their deadname? Or if anyone has any tips on how to help her use/remember my correct name. Sorry for the ramble, never posted on Reddit before! Thanks for the help ☺️
My parents keep deadnaming me I’m a Demi girl and use two name one for when I feel non-binary and one for when I feel feminine, but they wouldn’t use either and it’s getting a bit upsetting. I really don’t know what to do…..
Please remove if this type of post is not allowed here. I read the rules and think this might be an edge case. This post is mainly to vent my frustration.
Capter 1: The Post
🥰 Here is a picture of [DEADNAME] after their sex-change operation making their gender man instead of woman #soproudofDEADNAME 🥰
I am are so proud of DEADNAME (who is now called Name, because they switched them's gender). It (guess if I mean the person or the situation) is truly beautiful to see!
As can be seen here, while a genuine attempt at spreading positivity is made, a monkey with a typewriter would have done a better job. The mentioning of someone's deadname is a faux-pas to say the least. This is the first, as they say, "red flag" one has to be wary of when approaching a post like this. The Original Poster (OP) is trying to spread the succes of an individual's transition, but without knowing the etiquette behind doing so. One may be inclined to even forgive the OP for this, as it may be OP's first interaction with someone who is transgender. Experts, however, remain devided on how to handle this phenomenon (u/MisterTeapot et al, 2021).
Capter 2: The Comments
>Guys, deadnaming is necessary for historical context!! How else would we know that DEADNAME is transposing? (+999)
...
>Hey, sorry to bother you, but deadnaming isn't cool, even if you're trying to be respectful (-666)
>
>> stfu, DEADNAME is famous, so it has to be mentioned (+500)
Having read the title and seen the picture attached to the post, one might be willing to read other people's thoughts on it. In the context of our example that totally is not based on a certain post currently on the front page, one could be forgiven for expecting a comment section which is also celebrating the succes of the individual mentioned in the post. However, in actuality, what the fuck...
Howdy! Cishet ally here.
I learned yesterday that the child of some family friends (who is living in another state) now identifies as a woman. I hadn’t seen/heard from these friends in a while, and the subject came up as they were talking about what “Jessica” is up to these days [names changed for anonymity]. I was confused by this at first since I didn’t know any “Jessica,” but then it dawned on me they were talking about their kid. So the clarifying question I essentially wanted to ask was “Oh, is ‘Jessica’ the name ‘Steve’ goes by now that she identifies as a woman?” But it occurred to me that this phrasing could be disrespectful since it (a) uses her old name; and (b) makes it sound as if I still think of her as “Steve” in spite of how she identifies herself. I wound up muddling my way through the question, but couldn’t really land on any phrasing that didn’t have the same two issues I was concerned about.
So how do I respectfully phrase a question about a name change without deadnaming someone/making it sound as if I still think of them as their former name/gender identity?
So, long text and maybe even rant... I just need to get this of my shoulders and maybe even get some support and advice in the process. (English is not my native language and I'm writing from a phone, so please disregard eventual grammar mistakes and miss translations)
Some intro:
I am a 35 years old bigender/genderfluid afab. All my life I've hated the name given to my by my parents (Liza). It just didn't feel like... Me. It's not an ugly name or something like that (so all you other Lizas out there, it's not your name that is wrong), I was just never comfortable being called that for as long as I remember.
This summer I finally came to an acceptance of 2 things. That I'm bigender and have always been (explains a lot from my childhood) and that you don't have to physically need to change gender to change your name. But since I came to an acceptance that im bigender I wanted a gender neutral name. After some experiments I finally settled on: LEX! I can keep my monogram things since my initials will be the same and I feel the Z and X I kind of related to another so it's also includes a kind of homage to my old name (even though I hated Liza, I loved the Z in it making it different from just an ordinary Lisa). But it's also totally different.
Well, now to my conundrum: Me and my boyfriend gonna celebrate christmas with my side family, which I have, to put it mildly, a strained relationship with. It will also be the first time i will see my family except my parents. So we will be: Me My boyfriend (supportive of me and my new name), My parents, 2 sisters (Mia and Sandra), Sandra's 2 children (small children 8-13y), One of Mia's 2 children (24y)
My parents have already gotten a pass at calling me Liza. I feel like it's ok, they are old, have a lot on their plate, they gave me the name, and it doesn't hurt at all BUT if my sisters and the older nephew deadname me, and keeps on deadnaming me (a mistake or two is ok) after being corrected, it will hurt. It will be incredible painful. I already feel like they dont really understand me or support me. They don't want any Contact outside of family gatherings even though I've tried. I'm on disability for mental issues and have been all my adult life and I dont want any children (well maybe, if my economy and my mental issues improve significantly). This will just be the straw that broke the camel's back.
I know it's just a small possibility it will end up like hell and it's almost like painting the devil on t
... keep reading on reddit ➡i recently came out to my close and extended family and while some are very good at calling me the right name, most arnt and i feel like they arnt even trying. i have been trying to correct people when talking to the but i have very bad with confronting them about it. does anyone have any ideas for how i can get them to call me the right name without having to remind them all the time?
I'm so done with her. She's doing all that transphobic stuff, when I correct her, she gets mad at me and yet, she still claims she's not transphobic at all. Should I misgender and call her male name until she'll finally stop doing that?
Is it OK to get dysphoria from deadnaming, even if both my deadname and the real name are feminine? My chosen name might be considered even more feminine than the assigned one, but I feel strong gender-neutral vibes from it, which gives me big gender euphoria.
But I'm not sure if it's OK to talk about dysphoria if both names are considered feminine. Idk, I feel like I'm misusing the terms "deadnaming" and/or "dysphoria".
I've started transitioning and coming out to everybody about 6 months ago. My boyfriend has known for years, he's been with me through the entire process and supports me every step of the way. Yet he's the only one who is still not using my name when talking about me to other people. Literally anyone else has at least tried to use my name and pronouns right away and most people haven't even slipped up once (which is awesome). But not him. He still calls me his girlfriend and uses she/her pronouns when I'm not around and he doesn't get why this is hurtful. I've tried to talk to him about it multiple times but he always gets upset and says that he needs time to adjust and this is hard for him. But it's not like he's slipping up, he doesn't even try. It's like he's not ready to change. Just yesterday he was on the phone with his mom, who I just came out to recently and who is very open and accepting. And I overheard him deadname me again. When I confronted him, he said that's what they knew me for the last years so that's just easier for them. I'm pretty sure his parents wouldn't have a hard time, but of course as long as he keeps talking about me like that, they would think that's the correct way and do so too. I get that it's especially hard as a partner and I really tried to give him time but I feel like this has been going on way too long. I told him multiple times that it's not a problem if he slips up when he at least tries. I'm usually really chill about it when that happens to anyone, I don't even mention it and he knows that. But with him it's not accidental. Every time he says he will do better now but then does not once use my name or pronouns in front of others. Either he avoids them completely or deadnames me. How can I make him understand that this is not about him? Are there any resources that explain to cis people why deadnaming is a problem? Or can any of you guys maybe give an explanation as to why this has nothing to do with him and his process of accepting? Because I can't seem to make him understand. I love him very much and he loves me but this can't keep going on. Thanks for reading this!
Edit (18/10): Just wanted to give an update. First of all thanks for your replies! I read all of them and this was actually really helpful! I didn't go into too much detail on our relationship initially because it was already so much text. I am non binary by the way, but use he/him and mostly 'masculine' terms so I didn't mention it, it doesn't matte
... keep reading on reddit ➡Just venting a bit.
The cards from everyone in my family either didn't have any name (while other cousins did) or my deadname. The best I got was my aunt's card which was signed to "<name>/<deadname>". Plus all of the in-person disrespect on Christmas. Literally the only card I got that respected my name and pronouns was from my boss.
I'm still pissed about it. I really want to go back to no contact, but I'm having a lot of trouble rebuilding that boundary.
About a month ago, I realized that I was a trans woman (Emma btw 😊). I find that within my internal monologue, I deadname and misgender myself and immediately correct myself. I’m not really sure if this means anything or if anyone else has gone through this. Because of this, I always feel like I need to reprove to myself that I am trans “like okay I can’t imagine being a man and I feel at home being Emma.” It’s just very confusing, has anyone else experienced this?
Hi! I’m using a throwaway for this because people irl know my main reddit account and I don’t want them to stumble on this.
So I’m a 20yo trans girl and have been on HRT for 4 years, full time for 2. At the start of this year I moved across the country for university and was able to try and go stealth because nobody here knew me pre-trans. I was really fortunate to get an amazing roommate, we have a 2 bedroom apartment just near campus that we share and split the rent on.
“Cassie” (not her real name) and I really bonded and we’ve become great friends, we tell each other everything and are very close to each other; she told me about this awful experience she had in her hometown and I’d told her pretty much everything about me except that I was trans.
A few weeks ago we were having a stay-in girls night since our city is still in lockdown, we’d both had more than a few glasses of wine and I suddenly felt really guilty about not telling her I was trans, like I was keeping something from her. So, I burst into tears and told her that I was AMAB and she reacted really supportively and was so lovely and sweet about it, told me she didn’t care at all and that I shouldn’t feel guilty about not telling her. She asked me a couple of questions about my transition; how long it had been, what it was like, that sort of thing. I was happy to answer, but then she asked what my name was before I transitioned. I felt pretty uncomfortable but didn’t want to be difficult or spoil our DNM moment, so I told her.
After that we changed subjects and talked for a bit longer. She promised she wouldn’t out me to anyone, I felt way better, we hugged and I went to bed, everything was fine.
But since then, four times now she’s (apparently accidentally) deadnamed me. She’s always corrected herself immediately and apologised profusely, saying that she’s just been “thinking about our conversation the other night” a lot and that my deadname has just “been on her mind”.
The first couple of times I was pretty weirded out but I accepted her apology and explanation and just tried to brush it aside, but the last couple it’s getting to the point where it’s really upsetting me because I feel like she’s doing it deliberately. I have no idea why she’d be doing that since we’ve never had a fight and are great friends but I just find it hard to believe that this keeps happening accidentally.
The last time was yesterday, it was literally as I walked in the door of our apartment and she greeted
... keep reading on reddit ➡Apologies for layout, this is on mobile.
My younger sibling got their first job here about a month ago, they’re 16. They’re non-binary and put in the application to refer to them a different name. They’ve told me all the staff have been great about it except one manager, and my sibling always has to correct him. Just yesterday the manager called them by their deadname and my sibling politely corrected them, but the manager responded “I don’t know anyone a __”. My sibling told my parents to rant and explain what happened, but they said that the manager is allowed to do that “cuz he’s your boss”.
I don’t know the Big Lots policies, so I don’t want to give my sibling incorrect advice. They also told me they weren’t handed an employee handbook at orientation. Does anyone have any advice for this situation? Or maybe where to find the handbook so my sibling can have a copy on hand for the future?
This is a rant. Also, a cry for help.
I have suffered from PMDD since the "cycle" started early at 9.
Puberty just felt like a forced sex change operation I never wanted, and my own tender chest does not feel like it's real. It feels like a sloppy fetish suit that some weirdo forced me to wear since before I was 8, and like I'm stuck wearing it, and the only way to have a normal chest is to wear a binder over it, and pretend it doesn't exist...
As far as the PMDD, it never really mentions transgender men much. It is always "Women" who have PMDD. As if transgender men cannot have this: So, like, either I do not have PMDD, or I'm not a man? I feel so invalidated... (I will give credit where it's due, when I searched "PMDD and gender dysphoria", it gave one search result for an organization that treats PMDD, and honors all genders. Major kudos.)
So, between having sore "ugly fetish suit" chest problems, and having almost every form of bottom dysphoria, multiplied with PMDD and bleeding out my nutrients via a most unfortunate place...
Plus, my mom took me to file a police report for a stolen debit card, the whole time I was misgendered and deadnamed so much, I felt like I was dead, in a whole other type of way...
TLDR: Puberty felt like an unwanted sex change operation, and now I suffer PMDD along with my gender dysphoria. Got misgendered and deadnamed today.
I’m going to meet up with someone tomorrow that I met recently, but they seem to think it’s okay to deadname me. I met her at work (I’m closeted at work so she knows my deadname) but since I just quit my job I decided I’d come out to her. She sounded very shocked, said some slightly transphobic things (which seemed to come from a place of ignorance more than malice) and once I explained my pronouns and than I am transmasc she said “okay, but I’m still gonna call you by (deadname) tho”. I felt too awkward to stick up for myself cause I’m bad at confrontation, and new to coming out to people (especially cishet people). I’m going to meet up with her tomorrow to hang out since she’s new to my town, but I really don’t want to be deadnamed and I don’t know how to say it, especially to someone who has seemingly never knowingly interacted with a trans person. She doesn’t seem like a mean person, just ignorant to trans stuff. I don’t want to cut her off because she’s just moved here and doesn’t know anyone else and otherwise seems nice. Any advice would be really really appreciated.
a couple months ago i told my therapist i was trans, and one month ago i told her my chosen name. several sessions has passed where she seems to 'forget' me telling her my new name and i dont think she takes me seriously.
i only see her for another month so i may need to just take it and i'll start fresh with my new therapist.
Any tips or suggestions to remind her of my name?
My mom can’t seem to understand how harmful and disrespectful dead naming can be. I may be overreacting because I am not trans and don’t have a say so I turn to the community :)
I have a friend whom I have known all my life, who recently came out as trans. My mother has also known him all of his life and around him calls him by his chosen name. When we aren’t around him however she will sometimes refer to him as “Current name formerly known as dead name” or will refer to him as “deadname/current name” or “her but now him” when talking about him, EVEN TO OTHER PEOPLE.
She excuses it as “I have known them all their life so it’s hard to get used it, I’ve been so good about it, I didn’t grow up with trans people” and stuff like this.
The main thing she has trouble with is she ALWAYS deadnames him when referring to him pre-coming out like talking about his childhood. Like “when *deadname first saw their sister..” and it REALLY bothers me. He is like a brother to me and I can’t stand here be watch my mother do this to him. She also gets mad at me saying “you aren’t being very tolerant of me” and “why are you do hard on me and so rude”.
Am I overreacting? Should I be doing more or less? I am taking suggestions and am willing to do what I need to do (except maybe an airhorn, as amazing as that would be I don’t need any tickets to sky city)
My dad and step mom are great. My mom says she supports me, she has even got me some nice skirts. But she said she will always known me as Ethan and not Eva and she and my stepdad keep calling me a boy. What should I do!
