For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It's the little things that count.
I’ve waited five days and tried three times to post, Two men walk into a bar
The best time of day to ingest eggs is at the crack of dawn.
I dream to be this commenter one day.
The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said...
"...40 second birthday".
I was so proud.
I don’t mean to brag, but I just put a puzzle together in 1 day...
and the box said 2-4 years!
My boss told me to have a nice day.
I got home one day and a book was stuck to my toddler
Me: What'd you do today?
My toddler: Nothing
Me: Are you sure about that?
My toddler: That's my story and I'm sticking to it!
The other day I decided to install a highly decorative wall plug in my living room.
I needed a creative outlet.
What did the beaver say to his wife on Valentine’s Day?
What kind of tree nut is best to take out on the boat for an all day fishing trip?
A Pecan
but only if you pronounce it "pee can"
My wife just complained that I've been in the garden all day tending to the herbs.
Apparently I have way too much thyme on my hands.
Honest LPT: I got embarrassed the other day, and want to help other people avoid making my mistake. Now this might seem counterintuitive, but if you come up with a good dad joke MEMORIZD it and NEVER write it down. Because the moment you put it on paper...
today is my first cake day so I decided to give you guys a joke
What do you call an Irishman bouncing off the walls?
Rick O Shea
I'd really like to move to Switzerland one day
I hear the flag's a real plus.
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick
She still isn't talking to me
I went to the zoo the other day, it only had one dog in it.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
The other day I asked an Alaskan guy if he wanted to eat some seal meat.
Cats in Communist countries are forced to eat the same thing every day and it affects their health!
Now they all have Mousey Tongue.
Why is it bad to be a buffet during Valentine’s Day?
Because people always want a-more
My doctor told me to walk at least 2 miles a day
It's been a month and I have no idea where I am or how to get home
I was having a glass of wine with my wife after a long day and I heard her say "I love you so much and always look forward to being with you at the end of the day. I don't know what I'd do without you." "Is that you or the wine talking?" I asked. She replied "It's me...
All this stress lately has me trying new things. For example, I've discovered that brake fluid is actually delicious. I'm up to a case a day, but there's no need to worry about me.
Every day, my teacher reads a joke from Reddit to start the class, but today she is absent.
I pine fir the good oak days, when it was poplar to spruce up the living room with a real tree.
My girlfriend wanted to know what I look like with my glasses on but i told her I’ve been trying to find them for three days, she said “please I need to see”
I said yeah me too that’s why I’m looking for my glasses
Back in my day, we used to cough to cover up a fart.
But nowadays, with Covid, you fart to cover up a cough.
I'm a teacher and every day I write a Dad Joke from this sub on the board. Today a student said this to me... I was about to go off... before I got the Dad Joke.
Student: "Sir, someone nutted on the floor!"
Me: *Begins to get angry* *Turns around... there's a hex nut on the floor*
Me: "Well played."
A man came back to his home one day to find his relatives crying near the house
He asked what was wrong and they told him that his wife had died and that they were preparing to bury her.
The man replied: "that's grave news!"
A Russian named Rudolph looked out of his window one day and told his wife not to go out without an umbrella. His wife asked ”What makes you say that”?
He replied ”Rudolph the red knows rain dear”.
We used to have a Teacher’s assistant named Ruth, but one day she left.
After that, our teacher became ruthless
Every day I have to take my cow through a vineyard…
I herd it through the grapevine.
I ordered a Hit Man to take care of my business partner the other day.
After a change of heart I cancelled the order, but it was too late.
He'd been despatched.
Finland is offering foreign tech workers the chance to relocate to the Nordic country for 90 days to see if they want to make the move permanent.
If they don't, after the 90 days they will finnish being Finnish
I would like to go to Holland some day
my son introduced me to dark humor the other day, i don't know why they call it "dark humor"
because they lighten me up
Remember the good old days, when we used to eat cake, after someone blew all over it ?
Today my friend asked me “What kinda shit would make you want to stay home all day?”
I said “Diarrhea for sure”.
My wife hasn't spoken to me for 6 days.
What's even better, she thinks I'm being punished.
Dad initiation joke... When my wife and son were discharged by the hospital after he was born, they said we have to get a pediatric appointment within the next few days. They said they usually fit new borns in.
I said, they absolutely have space- he’s only 20 inches and 6 lbs. [holding my hands up showing how small he is].
I'm trying to convince my friend that being a fraudster isn't for him. I went over to his house the other day and he was putting canned meat in envelopes.
Apparently he was sending a bunch of Spam Mail.
Day 8: I used to be hokey pokey
Last week I went to the gym almost every day ...
... almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday ...
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my girlfriend some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
My boss told me to have a good day ...
I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance
I went to the zoo the other day but the only animal there was a dog.
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