D Notice Puns

“Well, you said you wanted a Bluetooth speaker”

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

We were driving to the local gas station to get gas, and houses still have their Christmas lights up. We also recently had a foot and a half of snow fall.

So we were going up the street and looking at the lights, before I noticed that there was a mound of snow glowing! A second later I realized that snow had buried a large bush that was covered in lights under about a five inch layer of snow. I thought it was funny and joked with my Mom about how a kid would react, saying “A kid would be so confused! They’d be like ‘Mom the snow is glowing’!!”

My Mom laughed and said, “It’s a real snow glow!”

It took me a second to realize it and I just started laughing.

Edit: I talked with her… my Mom actually said GLOBE! Lol!!!

He called it Stuck Auto.

It was a huge success and he found time to focus on his passion for martial arts founding a new school based on starting slow and building up speed. It's called Crush En Do.

It was most noticeably used by a section of the terrorist organization in the United States Capitol. They're known as the D.C. Al Coda.

So I'm driving down the road one day sitting next to my wife with the four kids in the back of the Minivan. I mention to my wife "Have you noticed the van has a loud whine when you jiggle the wheel?". She get's a concerned look on her face "The van is pretty new, what do you think is wrong?". I respond "No idea, maybe you can tell me where you think it's coming from".

I jiggle the wheel back and forth, the van sways and sways, and out of the back seat a voice pipes up "DAAAaaaAAadddd, stop iiitttt, I'm trying to reeeaaaadddd".

One of the best parts of being a dad are the Jokes, even if I'm clearly the only one in the family who appreciates them :D

"Hey do you have crab legs?"

"Yes" :D

"Well, just keep your pants on and nobody will notice."

This was said when I was a kid and he never fails to retell how he once said this joke to a waiter. Glory days.

I noticed a couple of really cute ground squirrels that have started a little community next to the soccer field at our college campus, and pointed them out. This was his reply.

DH: Oh man, they’re adorable! Can you buy one of those at a pet store? I wonder how much they’d gopher....

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

My colleagues and I were out to dinner and perusing the menu. We noticed that you always see lamb on a menu but you never see sheep and we wondered why.

After a long discussion, we finally figured it out. It's simply because sheep meat is baaaaaaa..d.

I’ve been telling my #2 daughter dad jokes from this sub every day. She got me back this weekend.

As we were walking to the National Mall in D.C. for the Earth Day concerts on Saturday we noticed that the Smithsonian was having the National Math Festival.

She says – What do you do there? Solve math problems and eat Pi?

As I descended down the adjacent, working escalator I noticed the man tapping his screwdriver impatiently at the bottom; looking around as if he were waiting for something. I couldn't resist...

>Me: "Do you have everything you need to fix it?"
>
>Him: "No!" <looking frustrated>
>
>Me: "Well, have you tried escalating?!"

In about half a second the man's face erupted in a smile while he proceeded to laugh so loudly that he startled himself and a woman nearby who gasped, turning to look at him. Somewhere behind me a woman unleashed a loud, "Ha!" as well.

I smiled all the way to my designated boarding gate =D

I notice that there aren't enough straws for everyone. As I take the last one I announce in a sombre tone: "This is the last straw". A collective groan by everyone brought a smile to my face :D

She noticed a blanket and asked if it was womb temperature. I laughed and thought she’d make a great dad one day while my wife tried to not smile

He said I’d be near-sighted until further notice

Got into an accident and lost his eye. The doc got him a wooden eye to fill the hole. Before the accident he was quite the ladies man, dancing with all the young ladies at the barn dances. But afterwards he never went out, just stayed at home. He knew no woman would ever want him. Finally all his buddies came by and grabbed him and took him to a barn dance. He was just looking at all the pretty young ladies, afraid to ask any to dance. He noticed the one he’d never seen before, she was beautiful. But as he looked at her, he saw that she had a peg-leg. Well, she’d dance with him. So he walked over to her and asked “would you like to dance” she replied with excitement “ would I, would I? And he replied “peg-leg peg-leg”