He said he doesn’t know ‘cos he had never smoked coconut matting.
I mean, he's no Lionel Richie, but he's not half bad.
they keep eating their bats...
When they find out I’m not a very good electrician.
He replied Six-Sir
A sleepless night.
^(Source: My sister)
Tenants!
I call him Ratatouille
They are sigh-lent but Dadly.
Then it jumped into my eye.
My eyes are a bit sore now but I’ve always been fascinated by pitch illuminations
Crickets.
A shelfie!
They Cricket.
Square root. ¤~¤
Do you want to beekeeper?
New to fatherhood, created the joke to commemorate the occasion.
I was volunteering today at a vegan grill event for an animal rights group. After only an hour we barely had any grilling to do as there weren't any guests.
Me: This doesn't feel like I'm at a workplace at all, it's actually quite chill. But then again, it's a low stakes environment.
Everyone else: Crickets and blank stares
A big damn cricket
Nobody batted an eye lid!
They kept getting squished by the ball.
" The Zimbabwe Cricket Board have just announced that they discovered ebola in their cricket team, but this has not caused any concern since they also found ebatsman & efielda..."
The two boys working the counter were having a hard time finding the special deals on the register.
Workers - "Sorry, it's a whole new menu for the cricket season" Customer - "ah yeah.. howzat?"
It didn't look like the staff appreciated it very much...
The gym teacher said “How flexible are you?”
So the man said “Well, I can’t make Tuesday’s”.
Crickets.
Worst way to check your balance. crickets
What was E.T short for?
His legs
"Cricket noises"
Only my step-ladder :(
He slams his fist down on the bar and says “Where is the bar tender?”
A cricket, and a tick.
He decides to start with the larger one, the cricket, and proceeds to put it under a microscope and carefully rip the dead insect apart writing down the results. Nothing unusual.
Moving on, he goes back to the delivery petri dish and notices the tick is missing.
He searches around for some time but the bugger is nowhere to be seen. Just before giving up he notices it crawling on his hand. Before the tick can bite him, he expertly grabs it and throws it under the microscope.
He turns it to the highest magnification and says to himself: "Let's see what makes you tick."
I won't let him controller.
but then I thought, "who cares how many pockets I have?"
The day after, she decided she did like it and said "My hair is really growing on me."
I said "How else could it have gotten up there?"
After reading the circumcision story from u/Oemus2776 this morning, I was reminded of how little the nurses at my wife’s first birth appreciated my comedic stylings.
My wife was in labor and the nurse came in to check the dilation of the cervix. She had her hand under the sheet and said, “alright now, I’m just feeling for change.” I replied, “well you’re in luck! I found two dimes and a quarter in there just yesterday!”
Crickets...
It just wouldn't be cricket.
("It just wouldn't be cricket" is a British phrase meaning "it wouldn't be the right thing to do.")
He told me it's because England has Spelling Crickets
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a vacation."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
.
.
.
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
I'm a lawyer who clerks for a judge. We had a long, tedious day of jury selection, a process known as voir dire (pronounced vwar-deer). After 6 hours of work, I looked at him and said "after this voir dire, I could sure use a voir beer!"
Crickets.
... But I have seen Yemeni Cricket!
I was watching my friend's softball game last night, sitting with his wife as their two twin 4-ish-year-old daughters ran around. One of them was intent on finding the crickets that were chirping all night. Finally she runs up to us and says "I hear the crickets over there. I'm going to go look for them!"
As she runs off I say "Watch, all she'll find over there is a bad comedian."
Forgive me, it's a problem.
...a body of water.
[Saw this on the internet somewhere lol]
My cousin's husband made a post on Facebook saying, "Can somebody teach me how to drive a manual?"
I responded, "Well, there's your problem. You're supposed to read the manual, and drive the car."
Crickets.
I am a college professor and had my first lecture in front of a new class today. I said, "Good morning, for those of you whom I haven't met yet, my name is Dr. Jones. Actually, for those of you whom I've already met, my name is still Dr. Jones."
crickets
Father-in-law gets out of the shower, says to my husband,"You're up!" I reply, "Asia!" :::crickets::: I add, "Oh, I thought we were just saying names of continents." The look of jealous contempt from my FIL was priceless.
Coworker to me: "Did you mean to do that?" Me: "Like having sex on top of a dolphin." Coworker: "WTF?" Me: "You know, I did it on porpoise."
Crickets.
Edit: My son is only 4 so I'll be saving this one for when hes a little older Edit:Edit: Yes I know a dolphin isnt a porpoise. You obviously got the joke to point that out, it has innacuracies and bad puns yet you get it. Double groan which is the goal of a dad joke. First post ever and I hate you Reddit for not recognizing my dad joke original brilliance. Yeah I might rage quit dad jokes on my first post ever which is about sex on a dolphin .
Wife (pointing to ripped bedsheet) : That's got to go in the garbage, it's terrible.
Me : Not only is it tearable, it's torn.
Wife: crickets
Whenever I see something with an expiration date that has a ridiculous time a lotted for consumption I will say... For instance today is august 16,2013 If i buy cereal today that expires on november 2015 I will say "we have to hurry up and eat this by november 2015!" Hahaha...crickets
I work at a pet store and our order of reptiles came in...
Me: I soaked the new guys and put em in there habitats.
Manager: how are they looking?
Me: Good but there's something about the new chameleon.. he might be a problem
Manager: Whats wrong with him?
Me: I don't trust him, he's got shifty eyes
Manager: Oh god, go get ready for the cricket shipment please.
Edit: wall of text
I was tending bar last night and walked up to the service well to make a couple of drinks. The two girls sitting in front of it were in the middle of a conversation. Right as I got there, one of them said "...I just didn't like the sharp taste."
Without looking up, I said "that's why my uncle quit his job as a sword swallower."
Despite the busy bar, I swear that I heard crickets as they stared blankly at me.
My loud response: "It's ambiguous!"
crickets
...with the caveat that they have to use the words "liver" and "cheese" in their pickup line.
The Russian walks up to her and proudly recites: "My liver aches for you like it does for vodka, and my heart is incomplete like gruyere cheese". Crickets. The girl is a bit confused but is impressed with the guy's large biceps and full beard.
The Brit walks over to her and stammers: "I will tease your fancy with a sliver of cheese and liver". Nonsensical, but his accent did the trick. The girl blushes slightly.
The Mexican guy sees his opportunity and loudly yells: "Liver alone! Cheese mine!"
Wife: "Your little punk son is resisting arrest!" Me: crickets
About five minutes later
Me: "OH! Resisting a-REST! Hahahaha! I get it. Wife: "I was wondering how long that would take."
This was quite a while ago, I was probably in middle school (currently 26). My family took a quick day trip to Universal Studios Hollywood since we live in the greater LA area. Now to set the scene, my dad is a native of Mexico but has lived here since his late teens so his English is pretty good with a tinge of an accent since Spanish is his primary language. We park in the parking garage on property and we do the usual "make a mental note of where we parked for later". That's when I see a smirk come across his face as he turns to me laughing under his breath.
-"What's so funny?"
-"Notice where we parked?"
-"Yeah. Jurassic Park lot, 3B"
Cue dad
-"Jurassic Park..." half expecting me to laugh. He continues "Jurassic Park... Jurr-Ass-is-Parked"
facepalm
As terrible as it was at the time, I've tried to pull this joke out with friends years later, eye rolls and crickets. Thanks dad.
We were out at dinner with the family, finished our meals and about to order coffee.
Dad: I don't drink coffee
Me: Why?
Dad: Because it's dirt. You know why?...
Me:...
Dad: Because it's ground.
crickets
Edit: spacing
So I was eating dinner with my mother and step dad last night and I accidentally dropped a spoonful of green peas on the floor.
Mother: Aw Alex! Me: Shit, I just peed all over the floor!
::Mom and step dad look at me in disgust along with the chirping of crickets.::
I was holding my daughter's hand as she was throwing a fit while getting her nails clipped by my wife. To calm her down, I asked her when her fingers had turned into doughnuts.
sniff Doughnuts? sniff
Yeah, Doughnuts. It's obvious that you've got some bearclaws
crickets
This one's mostly about a refusal to cease and desist the dad jokes -
"Imagine Congress authorizes the military to hold a nationwide bake sale because they need/knead the dough."
Crickets.
"I was sure that would get a rise out of you."
More crickets.
"OK, I'll stop, though I'm clearly on a roll."
Today Show has a segment where they makeover rooms in people's houses.
Some guy tweeted at them that they need to makeover his dad's basement.
They interview the dad and his son this morning before they makeover the room.
Interview: So, Michael, what do you think about your son tweeting for help?
Dad: Well, I think he's a real tweetheart.
crickets
So my wife say, showing me a picture on Facebook of the guy she goes to see to get her future told, "This is my medium."
"Looks more like a small to me."
*** Crickets chirp and tumble-weed rolls through the lounge-room ***
I was talking Disney princesses (what else?) with my 3-year-old daughter at bath time, and she told me Pocahontas called her stupid and was no longer her friend.
"Sheesh," I said. "More like Poca-taunt-us, right?"
Crickets.
Dad asking me which car makers I liked better Dad: Audi or Cadi Me:Audi Dad:Audi or BMW Me:Audi Dad:Audi or innie crickets
Redditors in Commonwealth countries may appreciate this one. I walked into the kitchen wearing a new shirt which has a pattern of ominous looking bats on it...
Dad: Is that your new cricket shirt?
Me: Wha..?
Dad: Your cricket shirt, because it has got bats on it.
I groaned.
First time at a Warhammer 40k store. I'm familiar with the game but have never played. Display window has a seven foot marine figure that is painted and badass. As I walk in,
"Whoa! How many points to play him?!?"
Me pointing at marine. Three nerds playing magic stop to look at me. Store employee looks up without moving his head. Two other store patrons turn to look at me.
Crickets.
Me: Why do crickets all chirp at the same tempo? Dad: It's a gang thing.
