Why do nuns go to confession?

So they convent.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dave_Paker
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
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No matter how tired he is, Mel never skips confession.

Melatonin.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MoodyToaster
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
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Confession time

I’ve really been opposed to beards in the past because I don’t like how they look. But because of laziness, I now have a beard. And to be honest, it’s really grown on me

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πŸ‘€︎ u/C0NN0Rwdwrd
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
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I have a confession.

I, for one, like Roman numerals.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DynamoInfinite
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
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A bit too late for confession, Arthur.
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2018
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A bit too late for confession, Arthur.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
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What's an officer's favorite part of a signed confession?

The criminal has to write their wrongs.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2019
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My Thanksgiving Confession

Hey guys. As I'm sure most of you know, it's currently Thanksgiving in Canada. This time of year for me has, in the past, caused a lot of issues in my life.

To give a little bit of background on me, I'm usually an extremely healthy and fit guy, as I play high-level sports and have a physically demanding job. However, for much of my life, my willpower began to crumble around this time of year.

I first started taking my diet seriously when I was about 12 years old. I had some kind of realization where like, I dunno, I started looking at how jacked these movie stars were and was all, "wow, I want to be that cool too." Judging by the bowl cut I had when I was 12, my perception of cool may have been a little skewed, but I digress.

Anyhow, it was my first Thanksgiving where everything started falling apart. One of my relative's families ended up no-showing for dinner, so we were left with a load of Thanksgiving leftovers. For the next week, every single meal or snack I had was Thanksgiving themed. Sandwich? Turkey sandwich. Breakfast? Let's dollop some cranberry sauce on that bad boy. By the next week, my BGC (blood gravy content) was probably at like 1.0%.

You'd think I'd be sick of holiday food after that. But no. I loved it.

The tradition of refrigerated Thanksgiving snacks continued throughout the rest of my teen years. Like clockwork, the numbers on the scale would significantly jump upwards in October, with Halloween candy adding an extra layer of calories on top. By the time I reached 17, my waist had begun noticeably ballooning, and I realized it was all due to Thanksgiving turkey. Sure, I had some at Christmas and sometimes at Easter, but never like that. My mother would encourage this habit, making more food each year to be stuffed into our packed refrigerator.

The movie star bod I wanted for so much at the age of 12 was slipping a way. I needed to put an end to this.

Flash forward to October 2015, age 18. I had made a vow: I never again would place such putrid poultry onto my tastebuds. And ever since that fateful week of 2014, my vow had held true.

Each Thanksgiving, I can feel that craving for chilled turkey knocking on the refrigerator door of my fragile ego. For three years, I've held strong. But when will the garrison fall? When will that soft, biting flesh of the big bird smash it's way back into my life.

But so far, I've quit cold turkey.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/M3gaC00l
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
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I have to make a confession

I have a fear of speed bumps, but I'm slowly getting over it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/a_1steak_sauce
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2017
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I told my daughter I had a confession to make...

She followed me out to the deck, and I confessed to her that I have been smoking grass.

Then I opened the lid on my smoker....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Drumlin
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2016
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I have a confession to make, I have illegitimate twin sons in Mexico. One is named Jose, and the other is named...

Hose B.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/goodboyBill
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2015
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I have a confession. I smoked over the weekend.

In my defense, it was the best chicken I've ever tasted.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GorgeousFreeman64
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2018
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My personal confession (x-post /r/AdviceAnimals
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2013
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Reductress Β» Confession: My Lumbersexual Left Me For a Basic Birch reductress.com/post/confe…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/herobotic
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2014
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Confessions (X-Post from /r/funny) imgur.com/ZBcfj8o
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trev1776
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2013
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I found out my dad watches the same Japanese time stop videos as me. when he approached the subject during a football game halftime. Being drunk, i confessed... He waited until his friends all left and pointed straight at me and said:

'It's about time, son...'

We both cried

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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A mathematician walks into a church to confess

He says to the priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sined."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scarvius
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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My friend recently confessed to me that he got his third nipple surgically removed.

He really needed to get that off his chest.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
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I took a road trip with my girlfriend who finally confessed she needs to stop and hug every now and again to reduce anxiety.

It was touch and go from there on.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2020
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We once were questioning a perp who wouldn't say anything without his coarse file with cutting points instead of lines. After getting it, he immediately confessed...

He talked with a rasp.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2020
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I confessed to my crush.

my soda is still not saying something

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jkwon6227
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
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I confessed to my family today that, β€œWhen I was younger, I felt like a man trapped inside a woman’s body."

"Then I was born.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2019
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Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?

Because she lived in the Nile

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πŸ‘€︎ u/princezornofzorna
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
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I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...

I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2019
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My friend confessed to me that he masturbates with his feet.

I told him he needed to get help.

Things had obviously gotten out of hand.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AWACS-Thunderhead
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
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Guys, a femail just confessed her love to me!

Will keep you guys posted.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheJellyJam04
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
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My SO confessed to masturbating alone instead of seeking out sex with me.

Didn't see that one coming

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Loni4ever
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
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I put the memory device with the class assignment into the computer. Unfortunately, I chose the wrong one and porn started showing.

Oooops. Wrong USB.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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A guy went to a meeting for addictions. He confessed to being addicted to soap. β€œHowever,” he said...

β€œI’m clean now.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
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My wife refuses to confess that she poured glue on my antique weapons collection.

But I’m sticking to my guns.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2018
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I confessed to my family today that I used to be addicted to...

...the Hokey Pokey, but I turned myself around.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2017
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A friend of mine confessed that he is sexually attracted to almond trees.

I said, β€œAre you f*cking nuts?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2018
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I'm an exhibitionist who's aroused by confessing to people, but I'm trying to change

admitting it is the first step in a nude erection

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πŸ“…︎ May 30 2016
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Sometimes I like to confess the positive things I've done or the things I've done right.

I guess you could call me a Professor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedditAndWept-
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2018
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After years of keeping it a secret, why did the man confess to shaving his nipples?

He had to get it off his chest

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Voldeshlort
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
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What sound does a bullet shot in church make?

Pew pew pew

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pinknoodles2000
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
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Funny 'Dads Anonymous' story to share for the holiday weekend.

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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This morning I confessed I was engaged in a cover up

I was putting on my pants, I explained. I was covering up my legs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fuentissimo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2018
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I confessed to my family that I frequently drink until I black out only to find that I have prepared a gourmet spaghetti dinner.

I guess you could say, I drink to spaghett.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shaneaaronj
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2018
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Went to confess, but the priest was dressed as a ghost

It was a blessing in disguise!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/samthefireball
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2018
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I just found out my friend has a secret life as a priest

It’s his altar ego

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GabeRothel
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2018
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If my son became a priest.........

Would I call him "Father"?

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mightypaper
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2017
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I'm an exhibitionist who's aroused by confessing to people, but I'm trying to change

admitting it is the first step in a nude erection

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πŸ“…︎ May 30 2016
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