Army soldiers can't comprehend the 6-foot social distancing requirement.

But everyone in the Navy can fathom it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
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A horse walks into a bar... the bartender asks, β€œwhy the long face?”

The horse, not being able to comprehend human language, promptly shits on the floor and leaves.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrFitBit
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
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100% effective method to not go to jail
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigPapaPump6969
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
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I gave up explaining to my Zen master how E-mails work.

He can't just comprehend what attachments are!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pkdtezpur88
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
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How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Fish

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2020
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Two in a row...

My dad - to this day - delights in embarrassing my sister and me any chance that he gets (of course). Though, admittedly it's much harder for him to do now that we're adults, but he still tries and sometimes succeeds.

My favorite thing he ever did: he took my sister and me out to eat and when the waitress came to our table he said, "Let me get this straight, my son can get anything on the menu that he wants?!" She said, "Well, yeah, of course." Then he threw the menu on the ground and with a shit-eating grin asked her to stand on it.

My sister starts laughing and said, "Dad, you're nuts!" Very quickly, he looked down like he was looking for something and said, "What, are they showing?"

I think that was probably his most masterful dad moment. He embarrassed me, then my sister and confounded the waitress all in the span of 30 seconds.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fluffypuckerfish
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2014
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Was told the ultimate dad joke today.. (I may be over exaggerating a little)

I work a cancer hospital and schedule patients for surgery and procedures and stuff. I had this one couple who I knew I would like as soon as they sat down. The first thing the man says to me β€œyou wanna hear a joke?” Me β€œah, of course!” ....a few moments of silence go by... dad β€œdid you hear about that actress? I think she played in miss congeniality? It was Reese something? She committed suicide.” Totally buying the story I go, β€œare you serious!? Reese Witherspoon!?” And with out a beat he says β€œNo, with a knife.” And I looked at him for a few seconds to comprehend the joke and then lost it! I know this is probably old but it’s a classic.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/brooklynne33
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2018
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A Little Pun on the Job

So I have a funny anecdote from work but my friends don't like puns as much as I do, so I'm hoping someone here will appreciate it. This happened last night.

My lead walked up to me to let me know a coworker wasn't there, he says, "Bill is dead and we killed him." I give him a blank stare because I didn't comprehend him immediately and he goes, "it was a reference to Nietzsche." (German philosopher known for "God is dead and we killed him.") "it was a Neitzsche joke." So I responded with "that's cool bud, but I believe it's pronounced 'niche'." He stutters for a moment, "no, it's- oh." I burst out into laughter and he walks away with a "fuck you". πŸ˜‚

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xanderismello
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2017
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Eight legs of venison

I was in the pub the other day when a guy told me he's got eight legs of venison in his van,

"How much?" I asked

"Β£60" he replied

So I said "Don't you think that's a bit dear?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MetalNinja247
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2013
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Always gotta make sure to hide your porn...

Today my family was moving furniture around, and a couple friends came over to help. When rearranging my room, my dad asked if we'd end up finding any porn. Me: "Yeah, I keep my porn stash under my bed." My friend: "Really? I keep my porn stache on my face."

Sadly, it took me a second to fully comprehend.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OnePeg
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2014
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A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face...

The horse not being able to comprehend the language shits on the floor and leaves

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DJonesy007
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
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