Lone Ranger: “Tonto, it looks like we’re surrounded!”
Tonto: “Who ’we’ white man?”
It was a tarantulalalalalalala
JK Rowling
He said Na BrO.
"Orange you glad I reminded you?"
“You idiot, this is a pine tree, there are no pears!”
“Well I brought my own pears.”
To be frank, it is about time they left their bedrooms.
I can hear him panting on the staircase.
The son came thundering down the stairs, much to his father's annoyance.
So he said, he said, "How many more times have I got to tell you to come down the stairs quietly? Now, go back up and come down like a civilized human being."
There was a silence, and the son reappeared in the front room.
So his father said, he said, "That's better. Now will you always come down stairs like that."
So the son said, he said, "Suits me - I slid down the bannister."
"We wouldn't want your water to break."
"Daddy, how come the first astronaut on the Moon didn't fell down?"
"He held himself on the Moon with his strong hands."
"Oh, Armstrong."
They all say, “MADE IN CHINA.”
I’m stumped.
Unfortunately, the stairs don't talk
“What is that, doc?” I asked.
“It’s exactly what it sounds like”.
The duck had the bill.
We don't live together any more, but I'll always consider him my flat mate.
Too bad no one is going to hear them.
I’m still working on it.
I read it on page 3 of a medical journal on March 24th 2018 at 2:18pm
He gets way too high
Small medium at large
It really tests your limits.
It just stops and stairs.
Picture myself and sister as young kids running around my grandparents house. My sister stubs her toe and begins to cry. My grandfather approaches and says “come here let me take a look at it” My sister crawls over, trying to calm down. “Oh man, you’ve really done it this time. Looks like we’re gonna have to call a … toe truck” Cue raging screams from my sister. Still makes me smile to this day
His colon smells terrible.
1: Always 2: Coming 3: From 4: Take 5: Me 6: Down
edit: holy shit this got 1M views. regardless of their reaction i’m glad I can say I >!rick rolled!< 1 million people. that’s fuckin solid.
Because he had no way home.
Hey you little shit! Stop shaking the ladder!
Goes up to the bar and says “gimme a bucket of martinis!”
Barkeep says “whoa partner how about we start you on one and see how we do?”
Cowboy says “oh it ain’t fer me. It’s for my horse. We’ve had a long ride and he’s a good horse and my friend and he likes a good martini now and then”
Barkeep says “ok, but I gotta see this!”
He gets a 5 gallon bucket and fills it with ice and gin and dozens of olives.
They go out to the horse and set it down. Sure he puts his head down and sure does enjoy it!
Barkeep says “well I’ll be damned!!! Come on inside cowboy and I will get you one on the house!”
Cowboy says “oh! Not for me thanks, I’m driving!”
The real friends were the treasure you found along the way.
A bullfrog named Bob hopped into a bank and up to a clerk. The name plaque read Patricia Wack.
Bob croaked “hello ma’am I would like to borrow some money for my business.”
Patricia looked down at him and explained “well for that you’d need to put up some collateral”
Bob places and slides, with his webbed hand, a small crystal figure of a unicorn.
Patricia looks at it for a good while before saying “I’m not sure I can take this as collateral but I’ll ask the manager. “
She leaves for a bit and comes back with the manager and explains Bob’s proposal, pointing out the crystal figurine.
The manager stares at Bob, then at the unicorn. He inspects it intensely, then looks over to Patricia and nods “it’s a knick knack, Ms. Patty Wack! Give that Frog a Loan!”
But they couldn't come up with a name. Eventually, they realized the Germans might be able to help, since they had made good names in the past, Volkswagen being the most notable example. So while the Japanese are on the phone, the question comes up: "When do you need the name?" Japanese company: We need it next week. German company: DAT SOON?
And that's how Datsun got its name.
This was not any ordinary bird however, as he was able to speak and understand English at a perfect level. For quite a while, he didn't use it much to his advantage. He was content simply fluttering around and living peacefully with his bird wife.
But one day, tragedy struck! Our bird one day woke up to an empty nest, no bird kids, no bird wife, just him and some twigs.
He starts asking around his bird community, and eventually pieces together that his bird wife got tired of him and his lack of ambition. She took the bird kids and flew off to stay with her bird Mother.
Our bird was left with an overwhelming sense of listlessness, realizing that everything he had worked towards in his bird life was now gone.
Our bird, now destitute and lonely, decided he was tired of bird life, and wanted to use his English speaking ability to try something new.
He decides to fly into the nearest human town, and observe for a bit. He perched himself on a tree overlooking the main street of the town, and simply watched.
After an hour or two, he noticed several people heading into a building, one labelled as "Bar". He decides that if he wants to truly utilize his prowess of the English language, the best place to start is with other English speakers, so he flies down to the building and hops his way inside.
Our bird makes his way over the bar, hops up on a stool, and says "Hey bartender, can I get a drink?" The bartender and a few other people nearby notice that these words came out of a bird and are immediately and completely enthralled and bewildered by this sight.
The bartender saunters over and asks "Did you just ask for a drink? But you're a bird! I've never seen anything like this before, but if you want a drink I'm happy to oblige".
The bartender pours the bird some water, places it in front of him, and they start chatting. After realizing what was happening, every patron at the bar is standing around the bird, eager to get another peek at this otherworldly phenomenon. People ask the bird some questions, and the bird happily responds, informing them all of his plight and his goal to take full advantage of his gift. More people make their way to him, snapping pictures and videos to share with their friends. The bird loves all the attention and is more than happy to indulge each and every customer who comes up to him.
After a few hours, closing time rolls around. Most people make their way out of the bar, ecstatic to share their newfound memories with family an
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It becomes tearable
I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
I blame inflation
Man comes into a restaurant that proudly claims "World's best chili" on a big neon sign. Since he was so hungry he orders a bowl. The woman behind the counter says, "See that man down there at the end of the counter. He just ordered the last bowl." Disheartened he order a blue plate special and waited. He noticed the man had not touched his chili. After a few minutes, he approaches the guy , "Hey is that chili really world famous?"
"Yep, so they say."
"Wow, I love chili, I noticed you haven't touch it while I've been sitting here. You going it eat it?"
The guy looks over at the man and pushes the bowl to him, "Have at it."
"Thanks," he says and digs in enjoying every spicy bite. Half way done, he notices a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl, and pukes it all back into the bowl.
The guy at the end of the bar speaks up, "Yeah I did that too."
I was in the library reading the morning paper when a chicken walked in. It strutted up to the librarian's desk, and jumped right up on top.
"Bawk" it said.
The librarian said, "You would like a book. Ok. Wait here. " Moments later the librarian brings a book to the chicken, and the chicken leaves.
A week later, I was in the library reading the morning paper when the same chicken comes in, walks up to the librarian's desk and jumps up. "Bawk, bawk" says the chicken.
The librarian says, "You would like two books". She returns with two books, and the chicken leaves with the books tucked under her wing.
A week after that, I was sitting in the library reading the morning paper. In walks the chicken and struts right up, and then jumps on top of the librarian's desk. "Bawk bawk BAAAWWWk!" it screams.
Without batting an eye, the librarian says, "I see. You would like three books. Two short ones and a long one. I'll be right back".
I had just finished reading the morning paper, so I decided to follow this chicken. Out the door it went, across the street, to get to the other side of course, down the alley, past the shell station, across the play ground to the other slide, into the forest, and then to a pond. The chicken sees a frog and walks over to it.
The frog takes the three books. Looks at them for a moment, and then shakes his head. "Reddit, reddit, reddit" he says.
I don’t trust stairs, they are always up to something!!
Auntie climb attic.
So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
