They're cutting right into my hips.
Wife, "Wow, watches 20% off. That's not a bad deal."
Me, "Ehh, I'd rather they tell the correct time."
Don't worry--it's only tissue damage...
He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.
He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"
The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.
“You rotten bastard," says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!”
Should've bought asparagus
Why do you beehive like this?
Dad: "hey can you pick up a duckdoo for tonight?"
Me: "what the fuck is a duckdoo"
Dad: "quack"
My old roommate moved out and accidentally absconded with my cheese spoon. She is coming back to my home-state and wrote this on my facebook wall.
Friend: Guess who else is coming back to CO- your cheese spoon! It's been on two continents and eight states in the last 8 months. It's coming back with a broader world perspective, but it's still the same spoon.
My Response: Perfect! Because all the cheese I eat is also cultured!
I will update if I get any wonderful eye-rolling responses.
Dad comes home from work
Him: "Dinner again? We just had it yesterday!"
laughter ensues
Mom: Why?
Dad: I have a toothache, I'm going to the dentist.
Mom: Okay. What time is the appointment?
Dad: Tooth hurty.
Mom: ... Wow.
Ruff.
Toucan play at this game.
They were an undercover cop.
He said he utter-ly loved it!!
The Doctor only gave him 4!...
Him: No, I told you I’ll be home by a quarter of twelve.
Because it’s pasture bedtime.
Because he needed his space!
He replies, "Of course not, I'm going to put it in the living room."
So I came over, and nobody was home.
He decides he wants to spice up his day and call his dealer. He asks his dealer, "hey, do you have anything new I haven't tried?" His dealer responds, "I just got some new weed named after old cartoon characters! It's some potent stuff!" The guy accepts this and meets up with the dealer. When he gets back home, he goes to roll a joint and finds that it just doesn't want to stay rolled and keeps coming apart. Frustrated, he calls the dealer back. "This shit just won't stay rolled! What did you sell me?" The dealer responds, "that's just how the scooby doobie do!"
They x-rayed my head but found nothing.
My pregnant wife is wearing a white shirt that has a pumpkin painted over her belly, for Halloween. We are having another little girl, and have set on the name Ellie.
My daughter comes home, and is greeted by my wife.
4yo: "I like your shirt mama!
Wife: "Aww thank you! Do you like my pumpkin belly?
4yo: "...I like your pumpkin Ellie!"
ME: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.
MOM: Oh my! Who!?
ME: Uh, I can't remember... I think her name was Reese something?
MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????
ME: No, it was with a knife...
My mom stares at me confused and then gets angry, while my dad grins from ear to ear, with a single tear of pride.
He forgot the Chopin Liszt
He feels pity at the sight and asks "What's wrong, love?" She turns to him and says "I can't stand showering without my legs"
I come to this subreddit everyday to get my fill of home baked dad jokes and some of these jokes are slackin. Let alone that most of them are puns!
I’ve already read ten puns today hoping that at least one of them would make me laugh but no pun in ten did!
I went over,there was nobody home!
It’s called Tailor Swift.
At that moment my wife flashed before my eyes.
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit ➡Bump…
Bump…
Bump…
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
Bump…
Bump…
BUMP…
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home. The casket still bouncing quickly behind him.
Faster…
Faster…
FASTER…
Bump…
Bump…
BUMP…
He runs up to his door, fumbles with the keys, opens the door, rushes in and slams and locks the door behind him.
Rushing up the stairs to his bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding. His head is reeling. His breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup as the casket!
And…
The coffin stops….
He then accidentally says “I hate tennis man” as he is used to being at school and complaining ;) His dad then responds by saying “who’s tennis man and what has he done to you” The son then looks like he wants to throw himself off a bridge
When an eel bites your hand, And that's not what you planned, That's a moray.
When our habits are strange, And our customs deranged, That's our mores.
When your horse munches straw, And the bales total four, That's some more hay.
When Othello's poor wife Becomes stabbed with a knife, That's a Moor, eh?
When a Japanese knight Uses his sword in a fight, That's Samurai.
When your sheep go to graze In a damp marshy place, That's a moor, eh?
When your boat comes home fine And you tie up her line, That's a moor, eh?
When you ace your last tests Like you did all the rest, That's some more "A"s!
In New Zealand you see An aborigine, That's a Maori.
Alley Oop's homeland has A space gun with pizzazz, That's a Moo Ray.
A comedian ham, With the name Amsterdam, That's a Morey.
When your chocolate graham, Is so full and so crammed, That s'more, eh.
When you've had quite enough, Of this dumb rhyming stuff, That's "No more!", eh?
Watson asks where he got them.
Holmes replies, "A lemon tree, my dear Watson."
Dads asks “what are you playing son?” Son seems aggravated by being interrupted and answers, “Minecraft. “
Dad replies “so one could say you’re practicing for a career in the mining business.”
Kid says, “why don’t you mine your own business and leave me alone!”
My stay-at-home wife came in earlier and asked what I wanted for dinner. "I don't know... You pick, you're cooking it after all."
A few minutes later she comes in with a frying pan. "Here ya go!"
It was a piece of paper. With the words "I don't know" written on both sides.
... Smartass, lol.
Daughter: Let's hear it. Dad: M pa konnen. Daughter: What's it mean? Dad: I don't know.
Incorrectly
very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
Ruff.
Nobody was home...
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit ➡Doesn’t matter what you call him, he’s not coming home
On its berth day
