Recent study shows leading cause of dehydration in children:

Bedtime

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📅︎ Mar 19 2019
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What do you call a animal based childrens show about the joys of french citizenship

My little pony: frenchship is magic

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📅︎ Aug 06 2018
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A study showed that children get too little exercise nowadays...

People need to pay attention to their inert child.

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📅︎ Feb 13 2019
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Obituary for the Pillsbury Dough Boy, Pop N Fresh

The Pillsbury Doughboy, remembered best as "Pop N Serve", and/or "Pop N Fresh", died yesterday of a severe yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy will be buried in this lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities will turn out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The grave site is expected to be piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima will deliver the eulogy and lovingly describe Doughboy as "a man who never knew how much he was kneaded".

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.. He was considered a very smart cookie, but wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop tart.

The funeral will be held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

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📅︎ Oct 18 2020
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The look on my wife's face was priceless.

My 5 year old stepson was sitting next to my wife on the couch, and a devious idea crossed mind. I called the boy over after a quick Googling and showed him the product of my search. He asked what it was, and I promptly told him they were boobies. I looked at the wife in time to see this amazing look of terror wash over her face. Still shocked, he says, "Hey Momma, want to see some boobies?" He grabs my tablet and shows her a picture of the most beautiful, soft looking blue footed boobies I could find. Her initial shock quickly turned to laughter and I was satisfied.

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📅︎ Oct 23 2014
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A big thank you to "Dad jokes."

As a professional children's entertainer, finding the dad jokes thread has been a real blessing. I work mainly with children between the ages of four and eight, and, for obvious reasons, I need to keep my jokes clean. In my business, a groan is just as good as the laugh because it usually is accompanied by a smile!

I'm afraid I don't know who started it, but the "this paper says otherwise" is easily one of my favorites. I took the liberty of having 500 business cards that say "otherwise" on them. I use them in my performances in a variety of ways. If I see a dad after my show who looks like the type who might enjoy a good pun, I will go up to him and ask him if he thought the show was good. Inevitably he will say yes, and I'll tell him that "Unfortunately this card says otherwise." I then leave the dad with the card to use at his own behest.

Just wanted to give a big shout out and a big thank you to the Dad jokes community for inspiration. People ask me what I do for a living and I tell them I'm the Jimmy Fallon to five-year-olds. Thanks so much for contributing all you guys do!

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📅︎ Jan 31 2015
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maths joke

Why did the mathematician get in trouble for showing graph paper to young children.

It was graphic content

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📅︎ Apr 17 2019
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My roomate's brother makes a duck call.

So My roomate invited me to his family Thanksgiving/holiday party yesterday. After dessert we're all sitting around and the children present are being rowdy. My roomate's brother calls them all over to our table and insists on showing them how to make a duck call. He begins ripping apart an empty soda can and wrapping it up in a very complicated fashion with a napkin and a plastic fork. He meticulously takes the top off, makes strips of metal, and winds them into this plastic fork. He carries on like this for about five minutes, the children utterly transfixed, sit watching until his creation is finally "complete". He then holds it up to his mouth, inhales, and shouts: "HERE DUCKY DUCKY DUCKY!!!"

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📅︎ Dec 08 2013
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Woman's brother gets to name her twin kids

There was a woman who was pregnant with twins. Labour was imminent, so she was taken to the hospital to give birth. Her husband was stuck at the office, so her brother, who is a little bit kooky and not the sharpest knife in the drawer, went along with her.

Everything goes well in the delivery room, and she becomes the mother to two healthy children, a girl and a boy. The pregnancy took a lot out of her and she promptly passed out from exhaustion shortly after the birth.

A little while later, the father shows up, all excited to hear about his new kids. The wife's brother is in the waiting room when he arrives.

Husband: "How'd it go?"

Wife's brother: "It went great! Your wife gave birth to a healthy girl and a healthy boy!"

Husband: "That's amazing! Thanks so much for coming down with her."

Wife's brother: "No problem. She passed out after giving birth, so when the doctor came to get their names recorded, I handled it all."

Husband: gulps "Oh really?"

Wife's brother: "Yup. I named your daughter Denise."

Husband: "Denise. Well, that's not so bad now, is it? And my boy? What's my boy's name?"

Wife's brother: "Well, naturally he's Denephew."

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📅︎ Oct 06 2015
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Got my mom just now

My mom and I were talking about how she was inspired by the show Tiny House Nation. (For those who aren't familiar, it is a show about downsizing, and living in a more eco friendly house). She was describing her ideal layout, how she would live with her sisters and how there would be sleeping quarters for their children (me being one of them) to visit.

I naturally chimed in with "That's alright, I just need a sleeping nickel". She chuckled, then groaned. I chuckled, and posted it here!

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📅︎ Jan 23 2016
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While going to Class...

My dad's a doctor / teacher and his workplace was close to my university, so he often took me to class in this busted '83 BMW-320 which he bought brand new. This one time he arranged for one of his former students (John, now teacher as well) to take us, and he shows up in a brand new Audi A4. We get out of the car and i ask him:

-"Dad, how come John has a brand new Audi A4 and you're still driving the same busted car you've had since I was born?"

-"John doesn't have any children."

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👤︎ u/salazarb
📅︎ Jan 27 2014
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My wife was telling me about the TLC show, Little People..

We were having a conversation about adoption and she mentions the Little People show on TLC and how they adopted other 'little' children.

Wife: I wonder how long that specific waiting list is?

Me: probably pretty short...

Groan

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👤︎ u/meseiman
📅︎ Jan 25 2015
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My dad told this one to a bunch of tourists:

So for some background, my dad's a tour guide in the UK and he was showing a group round Hampton Court Palace and in the gardens there's this maze. This is the text he just sent me:

>Dad joke at Hampton Court Maze - I have fine memories of Hampton Court Maze. I used to bring my children here...... If you see them could you send them home!

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📅︎ Apr 05 2014
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My dad burned me...

I'm horrible at telling stories and this is my first r/dadjokes post.

I was showing my dad the frontpage gif of the balloon full of mercury hitting the ground...

Dad-"Neat! Even though that is rather dangerous."

Me-"Yeah, but it's cool."

Dad-"I remember when I was in school and they would walk around and placed little drops of mercury in our hands to play with.''

Me-"And see, you turned out some what fine!"

Dad-"But what they didn't know was the genetic damage it did to people's children..."

Me-"Good one..."

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👤︎ u/dragdollb
📅︎ Oct 09 2014
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Dough Boy

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies. The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded". Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and one in the oven. The funeral was at 3:50 for 20 minutes.

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📅︎ Oct 06 2016
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