If you have ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly

Because communication is key

Edit: it's from here, so please give the op credit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chizhi1234
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
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What did the electrician say to calm down?

Ohmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TechnoGamer16
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
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Mom here but hope you like it. Why do skeletons stay calm?

Nothing gets under their skin

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πŸ‘€︎ u/skydiamond01
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
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A Man rushed into a Doctor's office shouting ' help me Doctor, I'm shrinking' The Doctor calmly said ' Now settle down a bit '..

.. you'll just have to learn to be a little patient.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
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This pun is a Cut above the rest
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pablocaz
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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Why is water sometimes calm and peaceful, and others it's a terrifying tidal wave?

It can't help itself- its dipolar.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Perigeesus
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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How does a military dad alert his son that a hot lady is nearby?

A-TEN-SON!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Packaging69
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"

"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."

"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
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Keeping tropical fish at home can have a calming effect on the brain

Due to all the indoor fins.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Messicanhero
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
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The Egyptian government has asked Cairo’s taxi drivers to drive around and sound their horns in the hope that familiar sounds will help calm the residents following the pandemic.

Operation Toot And Calm β€˜Em will last a week.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vbloke
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
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My daughter called me in a panic and asked, "Dad! My car just broke down! What should I do!?" I replied calmly...

"Whisper it some words of encouragement!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
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How do you calm down a grammar Nazi?

Give them a gentle pat on the back and say, "Their, There, They're."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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How do you use a remote control to calm down a robot dog?

Press the paws button.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MGreenMN
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
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If electricity always follows the path of least resistance,

Why doesn't lighting always strike in France?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tanakiin
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
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What do you call a calm person who moves around a lot?

A no-mad

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RD1K
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
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Did you hear about the italian chef that died?

He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. Theres nutelling what can happen next... His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. I can only espress-so much grief, but lettuce romaine calm. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Ashes to ashes, crust to crust. There's just not mushroom left for italian chefs in this world... Sending olive my prayers to his family. His wife is really upset, cheese still not over it... You never sausage a tragic thing. Its such a shame good people die fusilli reasons. It was a farfalle from grace... My condolences for Roberto, who died in the spaghetto. May he rest in yeastπŸ™πŸ»β€οΈ

Wow! Im so glad so many people laughed at this joke, I got so much happy feedback from everyone lol thank u sm for all the rewards and upvotes, my week couldnt get better!😁

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πŸ‘€︎ u/iLoveRaviolis
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
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What’s angry, calm and white?

My bi-polar bear.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jlionbad
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
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Why should you stay calm when meeting a hungry cannibal?

Because it's no good getting in a stew.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YaBoi245
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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I don’t usually go grocery shopping, so when my mom asked to buy lettuce, I had to tell myself to romaine calm
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timmehthekid
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
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I tried.

I kept my tone level and I didn’t raise my voice, but I begged and begged the chef to add some crumbled goat cheese to the recipe. But unfortunately it was too late as it had already gone into the oven.

It was a feta calm plea.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jamesianm
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
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Keep Calm
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Antonio_877
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
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Everybody stay calm
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlinMaior
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2020
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I calmed down our toddlers and wanted praise from my wife.

She said I’m not giving you a consolation prize.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TennisADHD
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
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Okay, seriously people, calm down. There's no need to tailgate me when I'm doing 120 mph, over twice the legal speed limit. Just pass me already.

Oh, and by the way, those flashing lights on top of your car look really stupid.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/acromantulus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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Lettuce Romaine Calm
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SurvivalPanda123
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
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Why are Astronauts always so calm?

There's no pressure in space.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Radish00
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
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Not a dad, but I have a good one

kid: RERErRErerErRerererererEreRerrerereRrErrrErEre!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?
Dad: Calm down! My ears hertz!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dan_Werew0lf
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
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To those worried about eating salad after the recent e coli outbreaks, I have three words for you.

Lettuce romaine calm

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flippantteacup
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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Do you know why Finnish reindeer herders are always calm?

They're nomads.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sigurbodi91
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2020
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My son kept dropping scrabble tiles.

I got angry,

'Calm down Dad, it's just a game' he said

Well, I replied

'It's all fun and games until somebody loses an 'I' '

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πŸ‘€︎ u/h8monster0
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
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Doctor doctor I feel like a pair of curtains!

Well just calm down and pull yourself together.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/robjmcm
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
If you ever get locked out of the house, talk to the lock calmly

Communication is key

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πŸ‘€︎ u/havenotredditt
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Why are skeletons so calm

Because nothing gets under their skin

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are skeletons so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anddditburns
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report
If you ever lock yourself out of your house, just talk to the lock calmly.

Because communication is key.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DGNOLA12
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2020
🚨︎ report
If you ever get locked out your house, talk to your lock calmly

Because communication is key.

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
If you ever get locked out of your home, sit down and talk to the lock calmly

Because communication is key

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
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Why does keeping a fish aquarium calm the brain?

All the indoor fins.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JadedByEntropy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
🚨︎ report
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to you lock calmly because

Communication is key

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OMEN786
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain because...

...of the indoor fins...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are skeletons so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

πŸ‘︎ 90
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kmas_2006
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Keeping tropical fish at at home can have a calming effect on the brain.

Due to all the indoor fins.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TellmSteveDave
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are skeletons so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

πŸ‘︎ 68
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Why are skeletons so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

πŸ‘︎ 84
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RobertHamburgers
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Why are skeletons so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rengokufan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Why are skeletons so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain

because of the indoor fins.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
🚨︎ report

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