Here's a scanned excerpt, via Imgur.
Transcript (Important part in boldface):
Extremely pragmatic and frugal in nature -- "a lot of stuff I see people buying is completely nonessential" -- Paul has a soft spot for absolutely any joke, and the more esoteric, the better. Instead of his proper name on his office template, "The Buck Stops Here" appears. The other day, he stopped me in the hallway and asked "What will the people carrying the coffin at my funeral be called?"
I wait.
"Paul bearers", he declares, followed by a knee-slapping hearty guffaw.
EDIT: Fixed Imgur link.
Youβve heard that eating fish makes you smarter? Well, hereβs the proof!
A customer at the local grocery store marveled at the proprietorβs quick wit and intelligence.
βTell me, what makes you so smart?β he asked the owner.
βI wouldnβt share my secret with just anyone,β came the reply. Then, lowering his voice so the other shoppers wouldnβt hear, he continued. βBut since youβre a good and faithful customer, Iβll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, youβll be positively brilliant.β
βYou sell them here?β the customer asked.
βOnly $4 apiece,β said the grocer.
The customer quickly bought three. A week later, he was back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he wasnβt any smarter.
βYou didnβt eat enough,β replied the store owner, and the customer went home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he was back and this time he was really angry.
βHey,β he said, βYouβre selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for $2.Youβre ripping me off!β
βYou see?β replied the grocer.βYouβre smarter already.β
http://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/eating-fish-makes-you-smarter/
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Whoβs on first?" might have turned out something like this:
Bud Abbott: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
Lou Costello: Thanks. Iβm setting up an office in my den and Iβm thinking about buying a computer.
Bud Abbott: Mac?
Lou Costello: No, the nameβs Lou.
Bud Abbott: Your computer?
Lou Costello: I donβt own a computer. I want to buy one.
Bud Abbott: Mac?
Lou Costello: I told you, my nameβs Lou.
Bud Abbott: What about Windows?
Lou Costello: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
Bud Abbott: Do you want a computer with Windows?
Lou Costello: I donβt know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
Bud Abbott: Wallpaper.
http://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/abbott-and-costello-meet-microsoft-windows/
Based on a half-baked "hope you never split" joke, my husband decided to buy this blank monkey-themed card to go along with a wedding present, and now I've been tasked with writing the content. Any suggestions?
I secretly want to buy one of these and fill it up with ice for halloween. So when the kids come up and ask "what's this?" I can say "It's Batman handing out Just-Ice"
Before I start; a golden gaytime is an ice cream that's pretty big in Australia.
So we went to the servo to get an ice cream. We were having a look when my cousin says "Hmm, I think I might have a Gaytime", to which I replied "Well when you're done just buy an ice cream and meet us at home."
http://imgur.com/a/eR6o7
Never did buy one. Now I wonder if I'll ever get a round tuit.
I was giving my mom some advise as she was buying a new car a few years ago. She brought up a car I thought would be an awesome car to own, and she shot me down...hard..
I'd been talking with my dad yesterday about the new MacBook, generally making fun of its shortcomings. This morning I got an email from him linking me to this article. Having seen it earlier, I told him "I saw the article this morning! I will continue to not buy anything Apple."
His response: "Yeah, I miss Royal Galas, though."
sigh
We went to see Jumper. As we went to go buy our tickets my dad said, "Hi, two tickets to that movie about a sweater please." I groaned loudly.
I wanted some Dr. Dre headphones for Christmas so naturally he goes out and buys me some "beets."
https://i.imgur.com/kUlzC2l.jpg
The wife can't make me buy a couch anymore, we got a perfectly good one!!
A dad's in front of me with his teenage daughter buying school supplies. Goes to tap to pay and notices a sign "VISA does not tap."
Dad, loudly: "So, VISA does not tap, eh? VISA will salsa but it refuses to tap!"
Girl, obviously used to this: "Dad!"
Can still hear the dad as they leave, "Do you think VISA would do the merengue?"
Asked to take a photo of the sign and saw a knowing look on the teen clerk's face. I think he knew where this was going...
A man sees a woman in a grocery story and tries to make a joke through observational humor and she gets him good:
Man: Why are people so fanatical about buying all natural foods?
Woman: Maybe they're afraid of dying
