*Fixes tire balancer while working at assembly plant*

Now we're rolling

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pittsburgh635
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2017
🚨︎ report
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/l1r2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, β€œDad get out of the way!”

I said, β€œYou’re the ones blocking!”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Colbosky
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Today at the bank some old lady asked if I could help check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/trendfoll
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to the bank and asked the teller to check my balance.

She shoved me pretty hard but I didn't fall down.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Imholt11
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. β€œHow much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. β€œNothing” I slurred. β€œLook at me!” she shouted. β€œIt’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, β€œIt’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I did it! Dad said to save my money til my balance looks like a phone number.....

Available balance: $9.11

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Grit1963
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
A man was caught stealing from a supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires;

He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Russell_Pinto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Forgiveness is the most important part of a well balanced breakfast.
πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cadaverkitten94
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I don't believe in bros before hoes or hoes before bros. There needs to a balance.

A homie-hoe-stasis if you will.

πŸ‘︎ 961
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Why da fuck did tha lion eat tha tightrope walker? He wanted er well-balanced meal!
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
🚨︎ report
A new level.
πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gregorybrad
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a woman balancing a pint of beer on her head playing pool?

Beertrix potter

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Folically-endowed
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle, and a well dressed man on a bicycle..?

Attire.

πŸ‘︎ 151
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
I couldn’t figure out why my checkbook wouldn’t balance. It turns out I was adding instead of subtracting.

And that made all the difference.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cderry
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Before the clock strikes midnight on december 31st be sure to lift your left leg

That way you will start off the new year on the right foot

πŸ‘︎ 200
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πŸ‘€︎ u/noodlesvonsoup
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend has peg on his short sleeve shirt for balancing small white balls on when he wants to whack them with a club...

He always wears his tee-shirt when golfing.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Nintendo puns
πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/piano_043
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Kid: Why do you stand on one leg while you get money out of the ATM?

Dad: I’m checking my balance.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/daviscojokes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a woman that plays pool while balancing a pint on her head?

Beertrix Potter

(The 'Burnadebt' joke from last night reminded me that my dad told me both those jokes about 25 years ago! Definitely using them if I ever end up being a dad.)

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/haxorjimduggan
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a cannibal call a gymnast?

A well balanced breakfast

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kingsquidington
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A little old lady at the ATM asked me to help check her balance.

All it took was one good shove to tell it was terrible.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MookieV
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the cannibal eat the gymnast?

Because they wanted a well balanced diet.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me to help her balance both of the kids...

I told her they're pretty close in weight so move the older one closer to the fulcrum and that should balance them out.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Icebolt08
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Now that I have more time, I’ve decided to take care of my health and eat a more balanced diet.

I haven’t dropped any food so far!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/StCecilia98
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I got fired from my bank job because I checked a customer’s balance

He fell pretty hard too

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MingeyMackrel
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2020
🚨︎ report
When I was training to be a teller, an old woman came in and asked me to check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/British-Mystery
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
🚨︎ report
I spent all day trying to balance a screw on it's tip.

All I ended up doing by the end was just screwing around.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ethanol314
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife caught me balancing on one leg and asked what I was doing.

I told I was practicing for later. As I want to start the new year off on the right foot

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_Martys_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
🚨︎ report
I decided to check my balance at the bank today.

Turns out I have an inner ear infection.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rhodesrugger
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I always balance on one leg after I wake up

That way my day starts off on the right foot

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/StAnger99
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance

So I pushed her over.

πŸ‘︎ 57
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VVIIVVI
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
An old lady asked me if I could help her check her balance at the bank.

so I pushed her over.

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/weendul
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
An old lady walked into the bank and asked me if I could help her check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Randomguy6282
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros.

There needs to be a balance.

A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

πŸ‘︎ 22k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/A____K
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
One day in the bank an old lady asked me to check her balance...

So I pushed her.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/levonsafaryan
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance....

So I pushed her over.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dani_SF
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I got fired from my job at the bank after just one day

A woman asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jediwag
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
A man walked into the bank and asked the teller to check his balance.

So she pushed him.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrsBunnyPants26
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
🚨︎ report
A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman at the bank today asked me to check her balance

So I pushed her over

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hurrikayne53
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2020
🚨︎ report
An old lady in bank asked me if I can check her balance

so I pushed her over.

πŸ‘︎ 59
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/superputindoge
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Today at the bank an old lady asked me to help her check her balance

So i pushed her over

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NoNamesLeftPL
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or even hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.

A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

πŸ‘︎ 322
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ScruffyAF
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2018
🚨︎ report

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