9yo shared this one with me: What do you call a cow who just had a baby?

De-calf-inated!

Edit: it's been pointed out some people pronounce calf as cālf, so its taking a second. Pronounce it like decaffeinated coffee.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oliumzen
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
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Shopping for a Baby monitor
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
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Saw this one in Walmart, it’s a baby shirt!!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/x000b
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2021
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Babies are like opinions...

Nobody wants to hear yours.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
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Changing babies
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dickiedaydream
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
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What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?

A pouch potato

πŸ‘︎ 119
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flippantteacup
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
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My wife said she should get an award for breast feeding the baby.

I said I’d nominate her for the SAG awards.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RootbeerDreams
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
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After this week's bad weather in Texas, there'll probably be a baby boom in nine months.

That snow coincidence.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/engfish
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
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*howls aggressively* "IM GOIN ALL IN BABY"
πŸ‘︎ 154
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_thunder_struck_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
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Smaller babies may be delivered by storks.....

... but the heavier ones need a crane .

πŸ‘︎ 191
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
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Prediction: There will be a minor Baby Boom in 9 months, and then one day in 2033 we will witness the rise of

The Quaranteens

πŸ‘︎ 27k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tecniklee
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
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I was so ugly as a baby

when my mum breast fed me, she used to shut her eyes and think of other babies.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stevononline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
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What did the baby say when he saw his food in front of him?

PurΓ©e!!!

(I literally just came up with this and am a new dad. Please be gentle)

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IronGaben
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
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What did the baby corn say to the mamma corn?

Where's popcorn?

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/D3V1L420
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
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As a doctor, I never make jokes about an unvaccinated baby.

But let me give it a shot.

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
So a mom and dad walk up to the register at work today holding baby twins.

I asked the mother if it was hard giving birth to two babies in one day.

She looked me dead in the eyes with a straight face and said, pointing at her husband, "not really. I had one and he had the other"

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
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I can’t wait till my Wife and I have a our first baby.

I’ll hand them to her and say β€œHere’s the fruits of your labor.”

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shaggyoda
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
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I certainly soap you like it.
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
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I was s stillborn baby...

My parents didn't want me, but I was still born.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
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I’ve never understood why baby dogs are called puppies...

When they could be called subwoofers

πŸ‘︎ 86
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UncleTevis
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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How long does it take a cow to have a baby?

About a calf an hour.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chuckyocouch_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
What did daddy spider say to baby spider?

You spend too much time on the web.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
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When I was a baby I slept all the time but I slept less and less as I got older....

...I didn't want to be accused of kidnapping.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blarty97
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
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My wife said she wanted to have another baby after seeing my brother’s newborn.

I told her she’s ovaryacting.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2021
🚨︎ report
9 months from now, there will be a baby boom. 13 years later, will give rise to the next generation, known as....

Quaranteens.

πŸ‘︎ 604
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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How do you drive a baby buggy?

How do you drive a baby buggy?
You tickle it's feet! :D

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/capngloval
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
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What do a broken hard drive and a baby have in common?

They can't read

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
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Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.

Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.

πŸ‘︎ 242
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Degtyrev
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
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How does a baby look something up?

They "Goo Goo" it.

[This joke provided courtesy of my seven-year old.]

πŸ‘︎ 477
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eggsaladapologist
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the baby ant confused?

Because all his uncles were ants.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?

Go to sweep, dear.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jigsatics
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Mommy tomato, daddy tomato, and baby tomato were all out for a leisurely Sunday stroll

They walked through the flower gardens at the park. They skimmed stones across the lake. They fed the ducks bread.

It was a perfect Sunday.

Then daddy tomato had a call that his brother was in hospital. Across the road was a bus destined for that very place.

They ran back through the park dodging ducks and tripping on stones and getting tangled in foliage. Baby tomato was starting to lag a little. So daddy tomato, in a panic, shot glances at the arriving bus and his helpless offspring. He Ran to his son and with all his might squashed him into the pavement with his Dr Martins boots and said

"Ketchup"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/maccer20
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
🚨︎ report
A guy’s Mom comes to visit him at his job at the aquarium where she finds him feeding a baby dolphin. She says look at you, you were smart. You could have had a real job, really done some good for the world. Her son snapped back,...

Hey, my job serves a youthful porpoise!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ProjectOcoee
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
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Women should not have babies after 40.

That's too many babies.

πŸ‘︎ 360
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MookieV
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter recently found a photo of her in the hospital when she was a baby

She noticed a blanket and asked if it was womb temperature. I laughed and thought she’d make a great dad one day while my wife tried to not smile

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nickatier_Carbs
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a baby soldier?

An INFANTry man

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drogers5606
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a group of baby soldiers?

An infantry

Side note: I will be a first time father at the end of March. I am proud to join the dad joke ranks, my wife and son will learn to appreciate the content from this subreddit 😬

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The-Thong-Song
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
What sex position makes the ugliest babies?

Ask your mom.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/streety22
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Like two peas in a (dolphin) pod
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bo_veytia
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
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Finally...πŸ˜‚
πŸ‘︎ 506
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kimcyrus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
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I was complaining to my husband that the baby carrots I bought were so so big that I needed to cut them up for our 3 year old.

He said "Maybe next time you should get premie carrots instead."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/warmfuzzy22
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
Why was the baby jalapeΓ±o shivering?

He was a little chili

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sageyban
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
So touching
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Norwegian_Stick
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
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Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas?

Santa Jaws

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hirsty19784
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
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Yeah baby
πŸ‘︎ 171
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
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My sister just delivered a baby...

I knew she had it in her.

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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Wife: I’m exhausted. I was up until 4 AM with the baby.

Me: It’s probably not a good idea to keep a baby up that late.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
What does a baby computer call its father?

Data

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fitzgerald1337
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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My sister had a baby, she hopes it’ll save the relationship...

But I still don’t talk to her

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/frozeneskimo02
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report

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