Prediction: There will be a minor Baby Boom in 9 months, and then one day in 2033 we will witness the rise of
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︎ Aug 19 2020
Iβve decided to make an elite army of babies
Iβll call them The Infantry
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︎ Aug 25 2020
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily your brother named them for you.
Woman: oh no, not my brother, what an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy?
Doctor: Denephew.
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︎ Aug 16 2020
The parents that started the wildfire with their gender reveal party announced what they will name their baby.
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︎ Sep 09 2020
What time of the year is it usually fly or die for baby birds?
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︎ Sep 08 2020
We're doing everything right, I don't understand why we can't make a baby.
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︎ Aug 02 2020
What did the mama cow said to the baby cow?
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︎ Aug 12 2020
I was so excited to work this morning that last night I slept like a baby.
I woke up every 2 hours and cried.
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︎ Sep 02 2020
Iβm so proud of my baby, she just joined the army!
Sheβs going to the infantry.
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︎ Sep 02 2020
There once was a family, the Biggerβs. There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
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︎ Sep 08 2020
Where do babies go when they get hurt playing peek-a-boo?
The I C U
(Heard this from my dad 5 minutes ago)
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︎ Jul 18 2020
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a βbaby poopβ setting.
Itβs called βHeavy Doody.β
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︎ Sep 08 2020
Nurses in the maternity ward donβt want babies to be in shock by the temperature change when theyβre born.
So they make sure itβs set at womb temperature.
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︎ Aug 13 2020
Why did the mommy bucket take the baby bucket to the doctors...
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︎ Aug 30 2020
A friend set me up on a blind date. He said "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby"
I felt like a right idiot sitting in a bar wearing nothing but a diaper.
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︎ Aug 13 2020
The attending neonatal pediatrician was always grumpy and irritated by our questions about our babies...
...to be fair, we were warned by the nurses that he was known to have very little patients.
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︎ Sep 05 2020
Sister in law was holding my baby but was talking about her onesie. βIs this a newbornβ?
Of course it is, Kayleigh. She was born two days ago!
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︎ Sep 10 2020
No matter how stressful my day is, I always sleep like a baby.
I crap myself and wake up crying at least once each night.
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︎ Aug 03 2020
How does a Japanese baby say hello?
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︎ Aug 11 2020
Two vegetarians got married and soon had a baby who they named Cabbage.
"Was it a girl?"
No, it's savoy.
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︎ Sep 06 2020
My wife, who's eight months pregnant, asked me if I worry that it's been too hot recently for our baby inside her. I reassured her...
βNah, itβs probably womb temperature!"
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︎ Jul 14 2020
How do you deliver a baby?
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︎ Aug 19 2020
My friend was pregnant and had the baby in car on her way to the hospital
her husband named him "Carson"
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︎ Aug 31 2020
The baby sheep got out of their pen and I impulsively grabbed a sheep with my right hand and a sheep with my left...
I guess I'm just lambidextrous...
I'll show y'all to the door.
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︎ Sep 09 2020
A man is sitting in the hospital with his newborn baby when his own father walks in.
Father: "So, how does it feel being a dad?"
Son: "It feels good. I'm a bit scared of course, but so excited at the same time. How does it feel being a grandfather?"
Father: "It feels pretty great. You've always been a good son and I've been patiently waiting for this special moment. There's something now that I have to give you."
The son watches curiously as his father pulls a large tome out of his backpack with exquisite text on the cover: 'The Big Book of Dad Jokes'.
Father: " For generations these sacred texts have been passed down through the patriarchs of our family. My father gave it to me when you were born and now, as a new father yourself, I bestow it to you. With this book you will have all the knowledge needed to become a truly great Dad."
Son: " Wow, Dad, this is amazing! Truly! I'm... I'm honored."
The father smiles as he extends his arm out to shake his son's hand and says,
"Nice to meet you, Honored. I'm Dad."
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︎ Jul 01 2020
He didn't see the baby coming
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︎ Jun 21 2020
Him: Bae, you're my baby. Her: Did you just called me bae B?
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︎ Aug 15 2020
What did the baby corn say to mama corn ?
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︎ Aug 09 2020
Why was the baby strawberry crying?
Because it's parents were in a jam
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︎ Jul 16 2020
So the doctor sat me down and gently revealed to me me that my child is a boy trapped in a girls body...
...Until my wife gives birth that is. Only three more months to go!
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︎ Jul 22 2020
inbread baby
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︎ Jun 13 2020
Grandma texted to say my cousin named her baby girl Hadison.
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︎ Jul 21 2020
A baby born now, in 2033, will be a...
Quaran-teen
Source: My local mechanic, bless his heart
http://imgur.com/gallery/XYWedTN
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︎ Jun 19 2020
Is it ok to call the babies born in 2020....doomers?
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︎ Aug 08 2020
What's a baby cow's favorite place to eat?
I don't know, but you can bet it's not a steak joint.
-And you thought I was going to say a calf-eteria!
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︎ Jul 22 2020
What does a baby volcano say to his volcano mother?
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︎ Jul 13 2020
Why wouldn't the Republicans impeach Donald Trump?
They insist on bringing a baby to full term.
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︎ Sep 08 2020
My kidβs baby teeth are falling out
This means that the kid is getting closer to adultooth
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︎ Jul 25 2020
Someone tried to hand me a baby the other day...
βNo thanks,β I said, βI am a vegetarian!β
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︎ Aug 02 2020
My friend was going to barbecue baby backs but fell in the way to the grill...
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︎ Jul 30 2020
As a doctor, I never make jokes about an unvaccinated baby.
But I think Iβll give it a shot.
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︎ Jul 07 2020
My wife is about to take a pregnancy test.
I told her to study hard.
But for real. We are trying for our first and need good vibes.
Edit it is a parent all my jokes are now dad jokes
Edit 2: thank you all! This made my wife's day since were waiting to tell family
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︎ Jul 02 2020
My first official dad joke!!!
So my 1st Born came into this world on Monday night and we were discharged on Thursday. Upon leaving our room, we were given a metal cart to place our belongings on including our son (in his car seat). As we made our way to the garage, I noticed that when the cart was rolling his car seat would rock a bit. I took this opportunity to exclaim βhey (sonβs name) youβre really rockinβ βnβ rollinβ now.β My wife then truly realized what is in store for her.
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︎ Aug 29 2020
You spin me white round, baby, white round
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︎ Jun 24 2020
The midwife asked my pregnant wife and I if we would like the baby to be delivered at home.
I said that we'd prefer that the baby kept its liver intact, thanks.
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︎ Jul 28 2020
Baby Corvidae
Grandma and I have been learning that the ravens and crows here in the Rocky Mountains are from the family "Corvidae." So, as their babies took flight for the first time today, we decided that the sky is filled with flying "Corvettes." They are adorable.
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︎ Jul 01 2020
I got birth place
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︎ Jul 03 2020
My baby sister just threw a toy horse at me
I told her to hold her horses
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︎ Jun 26 2020
Baby on board
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︎ May 31 2020
What did the father say to his baby boy before killing him with a vacuum cleaner?
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︎ Jul 10 2020
My very first dad joke as an actual dad.
On the day my daughter was born
Nurse: We're gonna have to give her a few shots in her heel.
Me: Her heel?! She's not going to be able to walk for months!
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︎ May 19 2020
Smaller babies may be delivered by stork
but the heavier ones need a crane.
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︎ Jun 07 2020
What is a seals favorite subject?
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︎ Aug 05 2020
Why are baby cows cheaper than adults?
Because they're calf price
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︎ Apr 21 2020
Shania Twain has given birth to a baby boy.
Choo Choo, was born at 3:30pm today weighing 6lb 8oz.
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︎ Jun 12 2020
What do baby sheep do at funerals
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︎ Jun 10 2020
My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning
It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.
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︎ Apr 10 2020
I used to be a baby
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︎ Jul 01 2020
What did the momma buffalo say to her baby buffalo on his way to school.
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︎ Jun 07 2020
What do you call six baby cows?
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︎ Jun 01 2020
My brother and his wife decided to name their baby boy Tinnitus.
He claims it has a nice ring to it.
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︎ Jun 17 2020
All my baby says is A E I O U...
I have no idea where he picked up this vowel language.
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︎ May 15 2020
My wife went to get a pedicure with her mother. She sent me a text saying that they have an exfoliating, foot scrub that has CBD/Hemp oil in it and she was going to try it out...I replied βbaby, do you realize that you left the house with slippers on...
But you are coming back with high heelsβ. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha
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︎ Jan 29 2020
Would you rather eat a baby goat or a madder baby?
Them: whatβs a madder baby?
Me: Nothing sugar, whatβs a matter with you? π
Sorry if this might be a repost, I didnβt make it up but itβs one of my favorite dad jokes of all time. Itβs really funny when you get someone aggressive whose like βwhat the fucks a madder baby?β
E: added the emoji cuz itβs good to give a sly smirk to finish it off. Also this works MUCH better in person
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︎ Jun 02 2020
What did Mommy Spore & Daddy Spore name their first Baby Boy??
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︎ Jun 03 2020
I was once a boy trapped in a womanβs body
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︎ Jun 29 2020
If the government included a clutch of baby chickens along with the stimulus funds...
Does this mean we got money for nothing and our chicks for free?
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︎ May 03 2020
We can't decide whether to put in soft pink or baby blue flooring in the nursery
It's an infantile problem
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︎ Jun 14 2020
When couple's say they've decided to have a baby, are they serious or
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︎ May 13 2020
What do you call a baby elephant?
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︎ Apr 30 2020
If small babies are delivered by storks what are large babies delivered by?
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︎ May 27 2020
Writing a book about a baby born in the sea...
The title is "From C-word to sea world"
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︎ Jun 10 2020
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months.
The woman asked the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, you're brother named them for you.
Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?
Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.
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︎ Aug 19 2020
What did one baby corn say to the other baby corn?
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︎ Aug 04 2020
There will be a baby boom in 9 months and
In 2033, we will witness the rise of "Quaranteens"
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︎ Mar 15 2020
What is a baby badger called?
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︎ Jul 04 2020
What did the baby corn say to mama corn?
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︎ Jul 10 2020
As a doctor, I never make a joke about an unvaccinated baby.
But let me give it a shot.
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︎ Dec 30 2019
What did the mummy cow say to the baby cow?
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︎ Jun 21 2020
What was the babies first word
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︎ Jul 06 2020
There will be a baby boom in 9 months.
And in 2033 we shall witness the rise of the quaranteens!!!
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︎ Mar 13 2020
What did the momma cow say to her baby?
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︎ May 16 2020
What did baby corn say to mama corn?
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︎ May 19 2020
What did baby corn say to mommy corn?
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︎ Jun 01 2020
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