Babi Puns

The Quaranteens

I’ll call them The Infantry

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily your brother named them for you. Woman: oh no, not my brother, what an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise. Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy? Doctor: Denephew.

Bernie.

Fall

It's inconceivable.

It's pasture bedtime

I woke up every 2 hours and cried.

She’s going to the infantry.

The son, because he was a little Bigger.

The I C U

(Heard this from my dad 5 minutes ago)

It’s called “Heavy Doody.”

So they make sure it’s set at womb temperature.

Cuz he was a little pale

I felt like a right idiot sitting in a bar wearing nothing but a diaper.

...to be fair, we were warned by the nurses that he was known to have very little patients.

Of course it is, Kayleigh. She was born two days ago!

I crap myself and wake up crying at least once each night.

Konnichi WAAAAAAAAAAAAA

"Was it a girl?"

No, it's savoy.

“Nah, it’s probably womb temperature!"

Put a stamp on it

her husband named him "Carson"

I guess I'm just lambidextrous...

I'll show y'all to the door.

Father: "So, how does it feel being a dad?"

Son: "It feels good. I'm a bit scared of course, but so excited at the same time. How does it feel being a grandfather?"

Father: "It feels pretty great. You've always been a good son and I've been patiently waiting for this special moment. There's something now that I have to give you."

The son watches curiously as his father pulls a large tome out of his backpack with exquisite text on the cover: 'The Big Book of Dad Jokes'.

Father: " For generations these sacred texts have been passed down through the patriarchs of our family. My father gave it to me when you were born and now, as a new father yourself, I bestow it to you. With this book you will have all the knowledge needed to become a truly great Dad."

Son: " Wow, Dad, this is amazing! Truly! I'm... I'm honored."

The father smiles as he extends his arm out to shake his son's hand and says,

"Nice to meet you, Honored. I'm Dad."

Where's pop corn ?

Because it's parents were in a jam

...Until my wife gives birth that is. Only three more months to go!

Quaran-teen

Source: My local mechanic, bless his heart

http://imgur.com/gallery/XYWedTN

I don't know, but you can bet it's not a steak joint.

-And you thought I was going to say a calf-eteria!

Magma

They insist on bringing a baby to full term.

This means that the kid is getting closer to adultooth

“No thanks,” I said, “I am a vegetarian!”

He broke his ribs.

But I think I’ll give it a shot.

I told her to study hard.

But for real. We are trying for our first and need good vibes.

Edit it is a parent all my jokes are now dad jokes Edit 2: thank you all! This made my wife's day since were waiting to tell family

So my 1st Born came into this world on Monday night and we were discharged on Thursday. Upon leaving our room, we were given a metal cart to place our belongings on including our son (in his car seat). As we made our way to the garage, I noticed that when the cart was rolling his car seat would rock a bit. I took this opportunity to exclaim “hey (son’s name) you’re really rockin’ ‘n’ rollin’ now.” My wife then truly realized what is in store for her.

I said that we'd prefer that the baby kept its liver intact, thanks.

Grandma and I have been learning that the ravens and crows here in the Rocky Mountains are from the family "Corvidae." So, as their babies took flight for the first time today, we decided that the sky is filled with flying "Corvettes." They are adorable.

I told her to hold her horses

Dyson

On the day my daughter was born Nurse: We're gonna have to give her a few shots in her heel. Me: Her heel?! She's not going to be able to walk for months!

but the heavier ones need a crane.

Art Art Art Art!!!

Because they're calf price

Choo Choo, was born at 3:30pm today weighing 6lb 8oz.

They Lambent

It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.

I grew out of it.

Bi-son.

Calf a dozen

He claims it has a nice ring to it.

I have no idea where he picked up this vowel language.

But you are coming back with high heels”. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha

Them: what’s a madder baby?

Me: Nothing sugar, what’s a matter with you? 😏

Sorry if this might be a repost, I didn’t make it up but it’s one of my favorite dad jokes of all time. It’s really funny when you get someone aggressive whose like “what the fucks a madder baby?”

E: added the emoji cuz it’s good to give a sly smirk to finish it off. Also this works MUCH better in person

FunGus

Then I was born

Does this mean we got money for nothing and our chicks for free?

It's an infantile problem

are they just kidding

An elinfant

Cranes

The title is "From C-word to sea world"

The woman asked the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, you're brother named them for you.

Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?

Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.

Where's pop corn?

In 2033, we will witness the rise of "Quaranteens"

Where’s my pop corn?

But let me give it a shot.

It’s pasture bedtime.

what

And in 2033 we shall witness the rise of the quaranteens!!!

It's pasture bedtime!

“Where is popcorn?!”

Where's popcorn?