Want to know why Juice could never make the B honor roll?

He always made High C's.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bonanza86
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2016
🚨︎ report
Finally my winter fat has gone...

Now, I have spring rolls.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Why is a good dad joke like good sex?

They tend to make eyes roll.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iMakeCrap
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
🚨︎ report
My parents were upset when I told them I wouldn't be taking over the family bakery.

That's just not how I roll.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JinTaisa
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Why are AC/DC always so hungry?

Because it’s a long way to the shop if you want a sausage roll.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NZOC
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the Mars rover say after it landed?

Rock and roll!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/snuzet
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
🚨︎ report
Do you know why scuba divers roll backwards out of the boat?

Because if they rolled forward, they’d be in the boat

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kat_GotYourTongue
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2021
🚨︎ report
The invention of the wheel was no big deal.

It was the invention of the axel that really got things rolling.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/withouta3
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward

That's just how I roll.

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/red_snake0329
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
Why don’t ants get sick?

Because they have little anty-bodies.

Edit: THANK YOU!! Kind stranger whoever you are out there, for the silver!! Just trying to keep the kids facepalming and the wives eye rolling. You guys are awesome!

πŸ‘︎ 233
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BelleskaTROn-
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
The first doctor to ever perform a vasectomy ....

.....really got the ball rolling.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
🚨︎ report
What is the name of the funky German Bakery?

Roggen Roll

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Johnny_Creditcard
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
Playing as a Monk in Dungeons & Dragons isn’t so hard.

You just have to roll with the punches and look out for number one.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Soft_Spoken
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I got fired from the bakery...

....just when I was thinking I was on a roll.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad's favorite sushi does not even contain fish

It's the eye roll

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jpereira73
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
A guy is sitting on his couch bored.

He decides he wants to spice up his day and call his dealer. He asks his dealer, "hey, do you have anything new I haven't tried?" His dealer responds, "I just got some new weed named after old cartoon characters! It's some potent stuff!" The guy accepts this and meets up with the dealer. When he gets back home, he goes to roll a joint and finds that it just doesn't want to stay rolled and keeps coming apart. Frustrated, he calls the dealer back. "This shit just won't stay rolled! What did you sell me?" The dealer responds, "that's just how the scooby doobie do!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ahh-potatoes
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a pastry that uses a thesaurus?

A synonym roll.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tacobellforlyfe
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
How does harry potter get down a hill?

Walking

JK Rolling!!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yurie_tarded
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion – but he always rose to the challenge.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

β€œLook at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. β€œEarth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

β€œA new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. β€œLet us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

β€œI see”, said the student. β€œIt’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

β€œThat’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. β€œYou just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

β€œIsn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

β€œAhm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. β€œOh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

β€œSo you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, β€œMah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. β€œAnd he”, he said, turning to his students, β€œis clearly the gradi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nomnommish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Day 4: β€œwhy do you say so many bad puns”

β€œThat’s how eye roll”

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pizzatron574
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Wife laughed

Me, reading joke off internet Wife, rolls eye Me, sorry I just reddit

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mrmaxters4
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
What the police officer said to the Antiperspirant after the traffic stop?

Roll-on.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/woodybg
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
I was walking down a hill and fell down.

That's just how I roll.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lightguyneb
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Grandpa took my weed so I took his wheelchair!

Ain’t nobody rolling shit around here

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlintTheDad
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Landed a good I think while pressure washing today.

Me: Well son the driveway was long over due for a cleaning.

My son: oh yeah? Was it?

Me: I think evidence is pretty concrete!

He gave me the eye roll and head back, a win in my book.

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Apple announced a new product for wives that helps cope with spontaneous dad jokes throughout their day.

The iRoll

Edit: thank you kind strangers for the awards! I told my wife we've struck gold and she immediately upgraded to the newest iRoll v2 software!!!

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Use2HandsPlease
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
🚨︎ report
We were eating take-out sushi on the couch last night

And one of our kittens (7mo/f) starts nosing her away aggressively around our feet.

15/f daughter: β€˜Oh kitty, what are you doing?’

Me: β€˜I think she’s fishing.’


Achievement unlocked: my daughter smiled, and didn’t groan, roll her eyes, or whine β€˜Daaaad’.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KravMata
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Pulled off a real-life-one, i guess...

Soo.. a little background: my mother was about to visit for a walk outside the next day when this dialogue happened; also: my native language is german and i don't know if this very common in english as well, but my daughter calls my mother <stgm_at's-mother-first-name>-gramma. for the sake of this post let's assume her name is elizabeth.

so here goes...

(i enter the living room; wife & daughter sitting on the couch)

daughter: (in a moderately excited voice) hey dad, you know who's going to visit us tomorrow?

me: (acting as if i didn't know) don't know, who?

daughter: elizabeth-gramma.

me: huh, really, but do you know who is also going to visit us?

(daughter looks at me even more excited, there was defenitely a twinkle in her eye; wife looks at me sceptical)

daughter: don't know, who?

me: my mum.

(cue rolling eyes and groan from my wife and laughter from my daughter)

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stgm_at
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
The man and the silver screw.

There once was this fella was born with a silver screw in his belly button. His parents, and later himself, searched far and wide trying to find someone that knew how this happened and how to remove it. As he grew older he cared less and less about the "how" and more about the removal. One day in his never-ending search he encountered a wizened woman who said that she knew of a place where you could go and a mysterious force would be able to remove the screw. But, before she provided the location she asked him if this was REALLY something he wanted done and if he knew all the consequences of his desire. The man hastily said that he was 10000% sure and more than well informed of the consequences. So, she gave him the location of the cave and the instructions on how to gain the help of the mysterious force. He was to go to the cave and sleep nude in the cave over night and by the morning his request would be fulfilled. He made his way to the spot with all due haste and followed the instructions to the letter. He did this and fell into a sound sleep. During the night a heavy fog rolled into the cave and a shining silver screwdriver floated into the cave with it. It floated down to the man and gently removed the screw. When the man woke up in the morning and saw the screw on the ground beside him he quickly reached down and felt his belly button. The screw was gone! He sprung up with great joy but the minute he landed after his leap of joy his butt fell off. He froze in horror and started to scream "Why did my butt fall off?" over and over.

The moral of the story is "Don't mess with things you don't understand or you will lose your butt."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jj8o8
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
Just a quick Thank you!

I've been sharing the Dad Jokes from here that pop up in my suggestion line. My Dad and I work together, so we're both off for the School break. Half the time he rolls his eyes and the other half he chuckles. So, thank you, Dad Jokers, for making my Dad chuckle in whatever this strange year has been!

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Beauknits
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife was commenting on one of our cats and its big belly. I said, "I don't get it. She eats protein all day...

...she's on Catkins."
(one of these days my wife's eyes are gonna get stuck in the eye-rolling position)

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iresenteverything
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
I like dad jokes.

But hey, that's just how eye roll.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
A teenage daughter is like a dyslexic Mexican

Always rolling their I's instead of their R's.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/R3DW01F728
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
It's the pilot's fault.

See a story about a pilot didn't remember his correct destination. Look at my 19 year old son and say "He just plane forgot!"
His eyes rolled like that boulder in Indiana Jones

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jmac0585
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
so anyway im switching my major to marketing...

just a few hours ago my brother was talking about buying cinnamon rolls from his english teacher who bakes and sells it on instagram as a side hustle and i said IF SHES AN ENGLISH TEACHER SHE SHOULD CALL THEM SYNONYM ROLLS and honestly im super proud

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JacksonCM
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Draco Malfoy's preferred way to get to the dungeons? SLYTHERIN!

JK Rolling

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. β€œSomething for this I have.” Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden.

β€œSomething I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.

Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers.

β€œThat’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. β€œI’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.”

So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.

He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.

β€œMaster Yoda!” he asks. β€œWhat did I do wrong?”

Yoda replies sagely, β€œA Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call J.K. Rowling at a rave?

J.K. Rolling

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
A Frog and a Bank Loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bstie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
So a frog walks into a bank

So a frog walks into a bank and he goes up to the person working there and sees her nametag that says Patricia Whack so he says "miss whack i would like a loan of fifty thousand dollars for my vacation"

Patty just looks at him in disbelief so the frog ccontinues on "its okay I'm Kermit Jagger my dad is Mick Jagger and he knows the bank manager"

Patty is confused so she just responds "okay but you will need collateral for the loan"

"This oughta do it" the frog says while pulling a tiny porcelain elephant out of his pocket

Patty is even more confused so she excuses herself to the back to talk to her manager

Patty says to her manager "there is a frog who wants a loan and he said his dad is Mick Jagger and he tried to give me this elephant what is this?"

The manager replies "its a knicknack Patty whack give that frog a loan his old mans a rolling stone"

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jacksminecraftdog
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the Mars rover say after it landed?

Rock and roll!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/snuzet
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
🚨︎ report
Finally my winter fat has gone...

Now, I have spring rolls.

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/guitasketball
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
A Frog and a Bank Loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bstie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
How did Harry Potter get down the hill?

By walking!.... JK ROLLING!

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xIR0NPULSE
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
Awful dad jokes and puns...

That's how eye roll

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/flippantteacup
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report

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