Want to know why Juice could never make the B honor roll?

He always made High C's.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bonanza86
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2016
🚨︎ report
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.

But I'm on a roll now.

πŸ‘︎ 333
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
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Finally my winter fat has gone...

Now, I have spring rolls.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
Company password

During a recent password audit by a company, it was found that an employee was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacremento"

When asked why they had such a long password, the employee rolled their eyes and said "Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital!"

πŸ‘︎ 583
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CatsAndIT
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
🚨︎ report
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Why can't Santa have any kids?

Because he has popcorn balls.

-I make a point to tell my wife this one every year around Christmas. Eye roll means she liked it, right?

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blizzard_a_foz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Sometimes I like to tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.

That’s just how I roll.

πŸ‘︎ 68
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lucille68
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2021
🚨︎ report
I asked my dad for a dirty joke

And he told me to go roll in the mud

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/red_fedora_man
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2021
🚨︎ report
How did Harry Potter get down the hill?

By walking...

JK Rolling

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Crom2323
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2021
🚨︎ report
I gave a couple of almonds to my girlfriend. I told her "I call this a Jessica."

She looked at me and asked why I called it a "Jessica".

I told her because it's two almonds.

You might even say.....

Almond Brothers.

(This literally just happened. She rolled her eyes so hard they twitched some.)

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Seannj222
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2021
🚨︎ report
What’s Harry Potters favourite way to get down a hill?

Walking? No… J.K. Rolling

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JayCola93
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Why is a good dad joke like good sex?

They tend to make eyes roll.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iMakeCrap
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Someone asked me angrily why I keep posting dad jokes

Because bad puns are how eye roll.

πŸ‘︎ 90
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
🚨︎ report
What's Harry Potter's favorite broomstick manoever?

The pitch!

JK Rolling

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naitraen
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Wife: Babe you keep putting the remote in random places...

Me: Correction, I keep putting the remote in "remote" places. That's where it belongs right?

I got a eye roll and a sigh, score.

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Magoogooo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Tired!

I have great memories of my childhood. I remember my dad taking me up to the downs and putting me in a tyre and rolling me down the hill!

They were good years

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CoolPaul75
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2021
🚨︎ report
My parents were upset when I told them I wouldn't be taking over the family bakery.

That's just not how I roll.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JinTaisa
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Do you know why scuba divers roll backwards off a boat?

It's because if they rolled forward, they'd just go into the boat.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Majestic_Ferrett
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the Mars rover say after it landed?

Rock and roll!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/snuzet
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
🚨︎ report
Why are AC/DC always so hungry?

Because it’s a long way to the shop if you want a sausage roll.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NZOC
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
🚨︎ report
Why don’t ants get sick?

Because they have little anty-bodies.

Edit: THANK YOU!! Kind stranger whoever you are out there, for the silver!! Just trying to keep the kids facepalming and the wives eye rolling. You guys are awesome!

πŸ‘︎ 233
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BelleskaTROn-
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
The invention of the wheel was no big deal.

It was the invention of the axel that really got things rolling.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/withouta3
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Playing as a Monk in Dungeons & Dragons isn’t so hard.

You just have to roll with the punches and look out for number one.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Soft_Spoken
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the name of the funky German Bakery?

Roggen Roll

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Johnny_Creditcard
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
The first doctor to ever perform a vasectomy ....

.....really got the ball rolling.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
🚨︎ report
I got fired from the bakery...

....just when I was thinking I was on a roll.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Apple announced a new product for wives that helps cope with spontaneous dad jokes throughout their day.

The iRoll

Edit: thank you kind strangers for the awards! I told my wife we've struck gold and she immediately upgraded to the newest iRoll v2 software!!!

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Use2HandsPlease
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. β€œSomething for this I have.” Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden.

β€œSomething I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.

Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers.

β€œThat’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. β€œI’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.”

So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.

He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.

β€œMaster Yoda!” he asks. β€œWhat did I do wrong?”

Yoda replies sagely, β€œA Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a pastry that uses a thesaurus?

A synonym roll.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tacobellforlyfe
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Grandpa took my weed so I took his wheelchair!

Ain’t nobody rolling shit around here

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlintTheDad
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad's favorite sushi does not even contain fish

It's the eye roll

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jpereira73
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Day 4: β€œwhy do you say so many bad puns”

β€œThat’s how eye roll”

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pizzatron574
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion – but he always rose to the challenge.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

β€œLook at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. β€œEarth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

β€œA new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. β€œLet us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

β€œI see”, said the student. β€œIt’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

β€œThat’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. β€œYou just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

β€œIsn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

β€œAhm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. β€œOh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

β€œSo you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, β€œMah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. β€œAnd he”, he said, turning to his students, β€œis clearly the gradi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nomnommish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
I was walking down a hill and fell down.

That's just how I roll.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lightguyneb
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My winter fat is gone!

Now I have spring rolls!

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/superpie5
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Sometimes I squat down, hold my knees to my chest, and lean forward

Because that’s how I roll.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cleverless
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
🚨︎ report
A Frog and a Bank Loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bstie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Do you know why scuba divers roll backwards out of the boat?

Because if they rolled forward, they’d be in the boat

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kat_GotYourTongue
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Dad Jokes?

That's how eye roll

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TotallyUnassuming
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2021
🚨︎ report
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward

That's just how I roll.

πŸ‘︎ 67
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/red_snake0329
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
A Frog and a Bank Loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bstie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
What did the Mars rover say after it landed?

Rock and roll!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/snuzet
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
🚨︎ report
How does harry potter get down a hill?

Walking

JK Rolling!!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yurie_tarded
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report

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