From my 9 year old son: Dad, what hand do you wipe your bum with? Me: My right hand......

Response: EEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR, I use toilet paper.

Well played, boy.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tinnber
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
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Prom Night

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

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πŸ“…︎ May 11 2021
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A heavily pregnant woman walks into a bar

A heavily pregnant woman walks into a bar in the middle of summer and orders a big glass of ice water. "Boy it's a scorcher out there," she says to the bartender. "Sometimes I wonder if it is too hot for the little guy in here." "Oh I wouldn't worry about it," the bartender replies. "It's probably just womb temperature."

πŸ‘︎ 333
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Firegoat1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
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I accidentally used the dog shampoo today....

I'm feeling like such a good boy.

πŸ‘︎ 142
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tekprojekt
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2021
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A man walks into a bar

A man walked into a bar with his dog and ordered a few drinks. At the end of the night, when he got the tab, he was astounded at the $50 check. He calls the bar tender over hoping to strike a deal. β€œBartender, I only have 20 bucks I can’t pay for this drink. Let’s make a deal, if my dog can talk then you’ll let me have my drinks for free.” The bartender states, β€œthere is no way that damn dog can talk! Pay me the money!” The man in response states, β€œNo no sir, watch. Spots, what kind of situation are you in when you didn’t study for a test?” The dog, β€œRuff!” The man carries on the bit, β€œSee bar tender my dog can talk! You’re in a rough situation when you don’t study!” The bartender, β€œNow boy don’t play with me now, just pay your tab, that dog can’t talk!” β€œWell here, I’ll prove it to you. Spots, what texture is sandpaper?” β€œRuff!” The bartender reaches hand over the counter, almost touching the man, β€œI won’t ask again sir.” β€œI have one more, just watch. Spots, who is the best baseball player?” β€œRuff!” The bartender, done being fooled with, throws the man in his dog out of the bar, taking all his money. He looks at his dog sadly, β€œsorry spots, I guess he doesn’t believe you can talk...” The dog looks up, confused, β€œmaybe I should’ve said DiMaggio.”

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DorkeyTree
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2021
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So 3 roads walked into a bar

A length of freeway walked into a bar, and yelled out "I'm the meanest bit of road west of the Pesos, nobody wanna mess with me!"

Then some duplicated overpass walked into the bar. "Anybody think they're tough enough to take on this piece of transit infrastructure? Well, are ya?"

Finally a stretch of dual carriageway walked into the bar. "This bad boy is badder than all you weaklings, whaddya gonna do about it!"

As they were all glaring at each other in a Mexican standoff, some bicycle laneway walked into the bar, threw a chair out of the way and kicked over a table. "I'm the roughest, toughest, meanest, baddest piece of asphalt there is! You're all soft snowflakes! Ain't anyone who has the guts to take me on!"

The first three roadways all immediately turned to the bar and started meekly sipping their drinks, trying to look inconspicuous. The bartender asked them "What's the matter, are you going to let him get away with that? Why don't you stand up to him?"

"We aren't going to mess with him", they replied, "He's a real cycle path".

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SurfingSherlock
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2021
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A boy is shoving candy into his face when his mom yells at him to stop.

"Don't eat so much candy all at once!"

"Why?" the boy replied.

"If you eat too much candy, you're stomach will get bigger, and bigger, and it will eventually explode!"

The boy is shocked by this image an immediately stops eating candy. The next day, the boy and mom go to church together, and the boy sits down next to a very visibly pregnant woman. The boy looks at her stomach, then up to her face, and says, "I know what you've been doing."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/winklesnad31
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
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My College Internship Almost Ruined My Life

I'm quite the music history buff- always have been. My first inkling as a college student was to explore turning this into a career. So I found a music museum, wrote an impassioned essay, and somehow landed the 12-week internship.

When I got there, I met the curator, a woman named Rhonda. Like me, she had grown up enjoying music and always wanting to know more. Thanks to grants and donors' generosity, she had helped continue the museum's legacy of showcasing what might otherwise be lost to history.

The tradition of the museum had always been to let the interns work in the orchestral wing. My assignment in particular was the string section.

Now I didn't know a whole lot about the string family, but I saw some really fine specimens and decided we could perhaps tell a broader story about the progression of the instruments. And so I began studying.

After about a week of studying, I went to Rhonda and asked if we could do something different here. She was very receptive to the idea and introduced me to her assistant, Dr. Will. His PhD was in history, natch, but he still relished having everyone call him Doctor. It was funny.

Dr. Will helped me learn so much about how the family of instruments developed over time, their overall cultural footprint, etc.

Did you know a fiddle and a violin are the same thing? Did you know the viola family dates back to the 16th C.? Vivaldi wrote 25 cello concertos!

I dazzled visitors with tales of the Stradivarius, Amati and Guarneri families. I noted the increase in neck length over time. I reassured them that despite the name catgut, no cat intestines were used in the creation of these instrumentsβ€”but it sure might be sheep or goat.

Sadly, 12 weeks goes by quickly when you're having fun, and I got enthusiastic letters of recommendation from Rhonda and Dr. Will, and I do miss them. Hello, you two.

I figured I could waltz (sorry) right in to more museum jobs later, but boy, was I mistaken.

I kept interviewing for the job, but after about the 10th cold shoulder, I had to find out what I was doing wrong. I had done such a good job, after all, right??????

So I fucking called the museum

got the guy who interviewed me on the lineβ€”and he wasn't thrilled to even talk to me. But I asked him, sir, why didn't I even get a call back? Weren't my qualifications good?

He said, yes, BUT.......

"...we simply can't hire someone who has exhibited a history of violins."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yungcfa
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2021
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No arms no legs

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs .....at your front door? Matt

...in your swimming pool? Bob

....in your mailbox? Bill

What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs who is popular with the boys? Hedy

What do you call a woman with no arms and 1 leg? Eileen

What do you call a Chinese woman with no arms and 1 leg? Irene

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WaterBoarder1969
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
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In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it. A student handed in his work with "The Magna Carta was signed in 1215" written 150 times.

The teacher asked the boy, "Why did you write this?" The boy replied, "Because you always say that history repeats itself!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAzrael2013
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2021
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There was once a balloon family...

Papa balloon, Muma balloon and Bubba balloon.

Bubba balloon was still sleeping with Papa and Muma balloon but he was starting to get too big.

Papa and Muma balloon got a bedroom setup for Bubba balloon so they can finally sleep alone. But every night he would come in crying to sleep with Papa and Muma balloon but they never let up.

But one night, Bubba balloon waited for the Papa and Muma balloon to be faaaast asleep. He tried to squeeze in between them but he couldn't quite fit. Very carefully, he started to let some air out of Papa balloon... It wasn't enough. Very carefully, he let some air out of Muma balloon... But it still wasn't enough. He didn't want to deflate his parents any more... So he slowly let some air out of himself. It was perfect. He snuggled in and slept soundly.

The next morning, you could imagine how disappointed Papa and Muma balloon was. Papa balloon said: We tried to help you and tried to help you grow in toy a Big Boy balloon. We are so disappointed with you.

You let ME down... You let your Muma down... But most disappointing of all... You let yourself down!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Arokys81
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2021
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What did the cheese-maker say after he made a dog out of cheese?

What a Gouda boy!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/multiplefroggs
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2021
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Where do you stand?

When I was a little boy, my dad was with me and a friend of his.

His friend asked him, "Where do you stand on children?"

My father replied, "I'm not going to do this with my boy here", pointing at me. "It would break him."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Faceless-Pronoun
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Great joke, albeit a bit long winded.

There was once a boy. He was the son of the richest man in the universe. Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, he dwarfed them all. He was a multi-trillionaire. Now, it was this boy's birthday. His father asked him,

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. A store full of lego, all the video games in the world, anything. What would you like?"

His son replied.

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one pink ping pong ball."

His father was rather confused by this request. Out of all the things he could've chosen, his son chose a ping pong ball. Nonetheless, he agreed and gave him a pink ping pong ball. His son was overjoyed and spoke to him.

"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong ball?"

"Okay son, go ahead."

The boy then went up to his room and played with his pink ping pong ball. When his father went in the next morning to check on him, the boy was sleeping in his bed and the pink ping pong ball was nowhere to be found.

On the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"

His son replied.

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one box full of pink ping pong balls."

His father was again, confused by this. Still, he bought a cardboard box and filled it with ping pong balls. He gave it to his son, who said.

"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong balls?"

The father nodded, and the son went up to his room to play. The next morning when his father went to check, the boy was sleeping peacefully and there were no pink ping pong balls in sight. Just the empty cardboard box in the middle of the room.

On the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one truck full of ping pong balls."

Now, by this point, the father was extremely confused. Why did the boy want so many pink ping pong balls and where were they going? He asked.

"My son. You are the most precious thing in the world to me and I can certainly get you this, but may I ask, why do you want

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/phrresehelp
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
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What's the difference between a boy clock and a girl clock?

A boy clock goes "tick tock, tick tock, tick tock" and a girl clock just tocks...and tocks...and tocks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Marv242
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2021
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A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months.

The woman asked the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, you're brother named them for you.

Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?

Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.

πŸ‘︎ 25k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_joshi_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2020
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The ultimate dad joke

When your baby boy is born on the way to the hospital, and you name him Carson.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mftuchman
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
🚨︎ report
Why is six afraid of seven?

Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he's sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces when they walked into that village and... oh Jesus. He shouldn't think about that now. Sometimes he still hears Tex's slow southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes. He always had a pack of Luckys. But the boys are gone now... he knows that. It's--it's just that he forgets sometimes. And sometimes the way that seven looks at him... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. And he feels like he's back there... In the jungle... In the darkness.

Seven has a hook for a hand as well, which is very scary. Six is afraid of Seven because he is a damn psychopath.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
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What do you call a guy who really likes deer?

A fawn boy

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ny8ry8
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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I just flew in from Chernobyl

And boy are my arms legs

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zaktor09
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
🚨︎ report
I started a cancel culture club.

Boy George was not too pleased.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigBrotherBagels
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
🚨︎ report
How do you know if your goldfish is a girl or a boy?

Throw some food into the tank. If she eats the food, she is a girl, if he eats the food, it's a boy!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JeznyBezny
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2021
🚨︎ report
3 ants named A, B, and C were all males. Which one floats the best?

Boy-ant-C!

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CryptoReaper5
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear they landed a rover on Mars?

He’s a good boy.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/reedandsue
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Got a new vacuum cleaner today.

Boy does it suck.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dano558
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
🚨︎ report
We need help naming some murderous cats.

We recently discovered mice in our pantry. Everyone’s advice? Get a cat. Apparently they are stone cold killers.

We made some calls and learned from our vet that they had two cats that need to be rehomed. I agreed to take them sight unseen. I think it’s a boy and girl but I don’t actually know. We pick them up next week.

We want to instill the right spirit into our mercenaries by naming them after famous murderers, but want to lighten the mood with puns.

So far we have come up with Jeffrey Paw-er but we are certain our Reddit friends can do better. We need male and female options. I understand one cat is black and the other is a brown mix.

We need help coming up with names, anyone up for the challenge??

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sveil96
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
The next song is all about subtractions....

Take it away boys.

πŸ‘︎ 83
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
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We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
How can you tell the difference between male & female ants

Put them in water. Girl ants sink. The rest are boy-ant

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Father-o5
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
🚨︎ report
How do you tell the sex of an ant? You drop it in water. It sinks: girl ant. It floats:...

Boy ant

πŸ‘︎ 507
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πŸ‘€︎ u/plap12
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Ants

How do you tell if an ant is male or female? You throw it in water, if it sinks it's female if it floats it's male because it's a boy ant. Don't hate me, I'll show myself out

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amusedbear
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys. Girls develop boobies around the age of thirteen...

...and boys develop them around the age of forty…

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
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Why does Homelander ("superhero") have to be careful not to jostle his milk?

He knows milkshakes bring The Boys to the yard.

Hopefully you're familiar with the comic/show

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AndySkibba
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
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How do we know all ants are girls?

Because if they were boys and we’d call them uncles.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chawjubs
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
🚨︎ report
An Axe to Grind

An Axe to Grind
A boy begs his father to get him a Christmas tree this year.
Each year, the boy asks and the father tells him, "I don't
want to pay for it."

But the son kept begging. Unable to bear his son's whining,
he picks up his axe one day and heads out of the house.Β 
Thirty minutes later he returns with a great big Christmas tree. "How did you cut it down so fast?" his son asks.

"I didn't cut it down," the father replies.Β 
"I got it at a tree lot."

"Then why did you bring an axe?"

"Because I didn't want to pay."

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter was telling me about 'live streaming' and twitch...

Wow was I relieved to find out she wasn't going into the boys room to use the urinal.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
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What nationality makes the best Mechs?

Mechs-icans!

(Actually a kid joke from my boy)

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/biffbobfred
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Patel was teaching a boy named Ed basic geometry, which he was failing to grasp even on the most basic levels. He mistook squares for triangles, circles for hexagons and so on...

So Patel tried to go to the lowest level and put a dot on the paper.

"What this, Ed?"

"A line?" the boy replied.

"I... I expected more from you. I'm... This a point, Ed."

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alkaath
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a hip-hop group made of bakers?

The Yeastie Boys

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AudenWolfe
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My son just told me his first dad joke. He's 8, so go easy.

Son: what did the fig say to the table?

Me: I don't know, what did the fig say to the table?

Son, angry voice: Hey! I'm asking the questions here. You FIG-ure it out.

Edit: thanks for the silver, I'll tell the boy in the morning!

Edit 2: explained to my son about the up votes and awards. When he heard that someone spent real money to congratulate him for the joke, he said he bets it was his grandparents. He's excited y'all enjoyed it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RicoCat
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
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Dad has a heart attack

Dad:has a heart attack

Dad:Call me an ambulance...

Son: uhhh... You're an ambulance....

Dad:....

Dad: That's my boy...dead

πŸ‘︎ 157
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πŸ‘€︎ u/microblue00
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
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A boy knocks his father down the stairs in a freak accident.

The father breaks his neck and dies, leaving his son to mourn for days. However, one night, the boy wakes up to see an apparition of his father before him. All at once, he breaks down crying, and screams out, "I'm sorry!"

His father responds, "Hi Sorry, I'm dead!"

πŸ‘︎ 331
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aquarian9
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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What do you say to your cheese when it behaves properly?

"who's a Gouda boy"

"You are a Gouda boy"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Esmeralda_i
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
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Son of a what now?

If a man named Mitch has a boy, it would make the boy a son of a Mitch.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blochow2001
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
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A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell in a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months.

The woman asked the doctor about the baby.

The doctor: Congratulations. You had twins, both boys. They're both fine. And your brother named them a for you.

Woman: No. No. No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name them?

Doctor: He named one of them Pete, after your deceased father as he told me.

Woman: Oh that's actually a very nice name. What did he name the other boy?

Doctor: deeply sighs RePete.

πŸ‘︎ 83
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_joshi_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys…

Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty…

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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A giant list of puns from r/copypasta

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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