Today is the Ides of March, when Caesar was famously assassinated. But what most people don't know is that he wasn't stabbed, but poisoned, by Hemlock leaves in his salad - hence the name "Caesar's Salad." When Brutus asked how many Hemlock leaves Caesar ingested, Caesar said:
If Kim Jong Un were assassinated, what would you call his gunshot wound?
The president was assassinated at a restaurant.
What has two butts and kills people?
What's the opposite of an assassin?
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin
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Edit: thank you guys so much for the rewards! I was told this joke from my 9 year old sister, she was well chuffed to see all the votes and people thinking she was funny
Having sex with a deaf person is like assassinating someone
They won't hear you cumming
What do you say to a French assassin?
what do we say about the assassin ?
I was playing Assassins Creed when suddenly…
We had a potato cannon once. We had some dumpster bread. We were shooting it full of grass, bread and leaves....
Technically our cannon "shoots eats and leaves".
(As in the oxford comma panda assassin... that "eats, shoots, and leaves")
Anyway I've waited years for someone to appreciate this .... and it has never happened so far. I hope you are slightly amused....
I don't know how much money an assassin makes...
but I bet they make a killing!
What did the secret service yell when Disney sent assassins after our president?
What is the name of the assassin that only kills candles?
What do you call an assassin that only kills anime lovers?
My fiancé thinks I have an unhealthy obsession with assassins creed
and if I wear my robes to the wedding she’ll leave me at the Altaïr
They refused to hire the boat assassin to be the face of the company
They had a feeling he'd be a sails killer
What did the assassin do when he was hungry?
Arthur the Assassin indicted for a cheap triple murder at local grocery store.
Headline: "Artie chokes three for a dollar at the A&P."
As an assassin, sometimes you have to take different jobs.
I made a killing in the market.
I love politically incorrect jokes. Here’s my favorite.
Benjamin Franklin was a great President.
An assassin was recently hired to kill a cow in a rice field with two porcelain figures
Police say it's the first reported case of nick-nack paddy wack.
Last week, a freshman secret service officer stopped an assassination attempt on the president of the United States by screaming “Mickey Mouse”!
When his superior congratulated him for the arrest, he asked “Why did you scream Mickey Mouse?” And the secret serviceman said “I was trying to say Donald Duck!”
Maybe he is in the mood for a shot?
I'm going to create my own assassin agency
Our slogan: We aim to please.
What do you call an assassin that kills in summer?
The thing about being a good assassin....
It's all in the execution!
Warlord assassination attempt gone terribly wrong.
A navy SEAL sniper was dispatched from a submarine on the coast of Africa with the mission of traveling inland to quietly take out a warlord. His only link to his superiors on the submarine was cellular messaging device. He arrived and had to lay in cover for days. A pride of lions eventually settled around him, making him very nervous. Circumstances then necessitated immediate action so the commander sent the SEAL messages ordering him to clear the area before the strike. Being in the midst of the pride the soldier couldn't move to check his phone. He then perished in the attack.
However, this is not the first person to miss the subtext because they couldn't read between the lions.
My girlfriend said my over-ambitious assassin jokes were getting in the way of our relationship
and I just said..."don't worry, I'll take them all out"
I'm an assassin, but I consider myself a storyteller.
I specialize in surprise endings.
I told my girlfriend that her skin was really smooth and asked her if she had made Assassin's Creed.
Confused shrug in response
"Because Ubisoft"
What do you call an assassin from the Baroque period?
How do you weigh an assassin?
What has two butts and kills people?
What has 2 butts and kills people?
An assassin
Thank you! I’ll be here all night
What has two butts and kills people?
What has 2 butts and kills people ?
What has two butts and kills people?
What has two butts and kills people?
What’s got two butts and kills people?
What has two butts and kills people?
What’s got two butts and kills people?
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