BREAKING NEWS: Man arrested due to possessing a stolen calendar
Bad news, Christmas carolers! Turns out one of our most sacred songs was communist propaganda all along, a hymn to nothing less than Karl Marx’s “The Communist Manifesto”!
Now don’t you feel bad for singing “O Commie, Commie Manual” all those years?
Did you hear about the criminal in Scotland who was stealing bird nests and storing them in a safe? That has to be fake news.
I mean, who believes in the locked nest monster?
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:
“There’s no easy way to tell you this, so I’ll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.”
Visibly shaken, the wife stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.
She took a few deep breaths to compose herself – and to stop her mind racing.
She simply had to know.
She met the Fortune Teller’s gaze, steadied her voice and asked:
“Will I be acquitted?”
Did you hear the news about the old hermit who made a living adding colors to textiles?
BREAKING NEWS from the courtroom! Amber Heard confesses to having a child with Charlie Sheen. The child went to live with his father and took his name.
Both parents agreed the child should be sheen and not heard.
BREAKING NEWS: A man has been stealing the wheels off of the local police cars.
Police have been working tirelessly to catch him while the Chief has decided to retire.
My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor. 🥺
More on this after the break.
BREAKING NEWS: A man was shot 200 times with an upholstery gun. Surgeons revealed...
he is now "fully recovered"
My wife wants a divorce because she says she is tired of me acting like a news anchor.
More on that story later.
Heard a news report about a man who died after being kicked through a window
Apparently it was a paneful death
Big news today: To provide more opportunities for females in all levels of the private sector, Beyoncé has founded a roofing company completely operated and managed by women.
The company name, of course, is All the Shingle Ladies.
After three years of studying hard at university, a young man gets his degree, and phones his father to share the good news.
"Dad, I've got my B.A.!"
"That's great," says his father, "only 24 letters to go. Now get the rest of them, and in the right order!"
The news today is all over Kim Kardashian's involvement in a pump and dump scheme
But I saw that video years ago.
Did you hear the news? Elon Musk hit a dolphin with his yacht!
He says it was a mistake, but I think he did it on porpoise.
They held a beauty pageant for all those Fox News blondes
And named the winner "Miss Information".
My son told me he wants to be a cowboy, so I had to give him the bad news.
He’s stuck being a human boy.
I just a news channel discussing the controversial song about the lake filled with wood. The headline was...
Has anyone else found themselves struggling to process the news about those hikers mauled to death by a gummy-bear?
The news says the Canadian PM got mad in a bakery
My girlfriend told me that it was either her, or my career as a news reporter
I'm afraid I had some breaking news for her
There was a parrot that swallowed a clock on the news last night
It was their Polly-Ticks section.
Doctor, regarding the schizophrenia medication you gave me, I have a good news and a bad news.
The good news is that I no longer hear any voices. And the bad news is that my girl friend left me. But weirdly though, she left a mannequin in my bed.
BREAKING NEWS: 2 thieves broke into the local pharmacy and stole a shipment of viagra
Police are on the lookout for 2 hardened criminals
Breaking News: Legal alien lived a lavish lifestyle for years by impersonating music icon Sting.
Today he finally turned himself into the police.
What do you call news about a body of water?
Help/Request: Told my wife a news story this morning and she expected it to be a dad joke but I had nothing. Please help me fill the gap!
News: In PA a truck carrying 100 monkeys crashed and at least 3 escaped (actual true story today).
https://pittsburgh.cbslocal.com/2022/01/21/truck-carrying-monkeys-crashes-pennsylvania/
I'm trying to do something with "simiantaneously" or something about a barrel but I've not nothing...
Bad news: they had to take Thanos to a mental hospital.
Good news! I finally signed up for a 401K!
Bad news: I work for a marathon organization
Breaking news: a trampoline was picked up by strong wind gusts and flew into a power substation causing power outages for thousands of residents. The power is expected to be out for several days.
Don’t worry though, we’ll bounce back from this!
A man is driving down the motorway when his friend calls, telling him that he sees a crazed driver on the news going down the wrong side of the motorway
To which he replied “One??? There’s hundreds!!!”
In the news today: The leader of a small, fledgling orchestra narrowly escaped electrocution after falling on a “live” 220volt/50amp cable backstage...
Thankfully, he was a poor conductor, and escaped major injury.
I saw a news story that a truck hauling pigment collided with a tour bus on bridge and both fell into the river…
Thankfully no lives were lost but everyone dyed.
What did the news reporter say when the midget psychic robbed a bank?
“We have a small medium at large”
a construction worker gets news to cancel a road project
Shocked, he goes to his mexican coworker and says:
"No way José!"
A doctor calls his patient frantically and tells him, "I've got bad news and terrible news!"
He asked which do you want first?
The man replied, "The bad news. "
The doctor says exacerbated, "Okay, you've got 48 hours to live. "
The man then asks, "What's the terrible news? "
The doctor tells him, " I've been trying to reach you for 24 hours!"
News Item: Stephen Curry is planning to start a publishing company after he retires from the NBA.
He's going to call it Full Court Press.
Did you hear the news story that a toilet was stolen from a police station?
The police have nothing to go on
BREAKING NEWS: a subway worker given someone the wrong sandwich killing them from allergies
Breaking News: Archaeologists believe that they've uncovered a cache of pencils that belonged to William Shakespeare. A spokesperson for the dig said they're so badly chewed on the ends,
we can't tell if they're 2B or not 2B.
BREAKING NEWS: A man has learned how to do origami backwards!
More on this story as it unfolds
News just in, a lorry carrying onions has sheded its load all over the M1 motorway.
Motorists are advised to find a hard shoulder to cry on
Breaking news: partial colapse at a an underground gold mine...
Fortunately, officials are reporting only miner injuries.
BREAKING NEWS: Man arrested due to possessing a stolen calendar
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