Z Cars Puns

But people who run in front of cars get tired.

A Car.

"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."

I used to be addicted to soap but ... I am clean now.

I am addicted to brake fluid but ... I can stop anytime.

If you are attacked by a group of clowns ... go for the juggler.

I just moved and IMMEDIATELY after we move in he starts banging on my door every night yelling at me ... coincidentally I just happen to be playing my drums those nights so I could easily tune him out.

I was just diagnosed with colorblindness ... It came right out of the purple.

I failed math so many times at school ... I can’t even count.

Once i threw a boomerang, it never came back, ... Now I live in CONSTANT fear

When life gives you melons ... you might be dyslexic.

Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline ... She hit the ceiling!

There are 3 types of people in this world, those who can count ... and those who can't

They say three out of five people suffer from diarrhea ... so ... does that mean two out of five enjoy it?

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

He thought about it for a bit and said "I am off-duty in 10mins, meet me in the car park"

Who's there?

Cargo.

Cargo who?

Nope. Owl go who. Car go beep beep.

Limestone! This was made up in the car by my 8 year old son as we were driving home from our Fathers Day outing. Promised I'd share it.

So I crashed the car

We’d have a pink car-nation!

“Batman the cars not working” Batman: Did you check the battery? Robin: What’s a tery?

Officer: "Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?

Miner: "Mine."

My two year old pointed across the street and asked, “what’s that?”

I tried to guess and he is often trying to learn the names of things. “A tree? A car? Grass? A bird?”

No to all of them.

Then he said, “it’s a finger.”

I got dad joked by my two year old.

It’s Mask Car Racing

When the light turned green they sped away.

I looked to my friend and said, “look at that S car go!”

My Ma: I'm not buying you a car.

In 1,000 years, snails will evolve into being an advanced civilization. They will develop their own advanced technologies. In an effort to increase their mobility, they will equip their shells to be modular vehicles called Snail Cars, S-Car for short. Since snails do not have upper extremities, controlling the cars will be voice activated. The initiation command would be, "S-Car, GO!" 😂🤣

I instantly stopped the car and entered the store.

Unfortunately for me, a cop saw me doing this and arrested me on the spot.

He charged me with braking and entering.

Any one of the Car-dashians.

So yeah I got into a car accident during college and I wanted to commemorate that on my grad cap. My mom won't let me put my mri, "you should put something positive on your cap, not something negative" so yeah a back pun is the next best thing I could think of putting on there.

Customer: Cargo space?

Car salesman: Car no go space, car go road.

I told them “ be carful telescope salesmen can see you coming a mile away!”

My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

“No, car go road.”

He replied, ‘Me car door. That way, if I get hot, I can just roll me window down.’

Customer: "Cargo space?"

Me: "No, car no fly, car go roads"

Manager: "Can I see you in my office?"

Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.

A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.

As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys were gone with the wind at this point, as Tom spent all his waking hours playing with this one tractor toy.

Fast forward a few years, and Tom's now approaching his 10th birthday, with his love for tractors intact and intensified. His parents discuss what to get for him, and decide that a ride-on tractor to replace his bike is the best gift they can give him.

Tom absolutely loves the gift, and spends all of his time out of school riding around the neighbourhood while his bike collects dust in the garage.

We come forward a few more years, as Tom approaches his 18th birthday, with an only intensified adoration of tractors. His father pulls him aside on the morning of his birthday, saying "Now son, I know that we've promised you a car, but we know what you really want."

He leads him outside, to a brand new tractor with a bow on it, saying that this is his welcome to adulthood.

Tom is beyond excited, and spends the next few months going everywhere in his tractor - grocery trips, bars, classes, friends' houses.....

Again, a few years later, Tom is driving down a back country road, in the middle of nowhere, with his tractor, in the middle of a storm. The tractor breaks down, and with no air conditioning or any form of modern comforts, Tom is in a miserable mood until someone finally comes past for him to flag down for help. After this, Tom realises that although tractors are fun, maybe they're not the best transport method out there.

Tom ages through a few more years, and finds himself driving down another road in the middle of nowhere in his car, and sees a house on fire just off the road. Being a good samaritan, he pulls over and heads up the driveway to a woman running out of the house screaming "Please, help, help! My baby is trapped in there! Go and call 911, please!"

Tom turns around, then, before leaving, has a brainwave.

He turns back and walks towards the flames, saying "Don't worry, ma'am, I've got this."

He takes a deep breath in, and the fire disappears into nothingness. As you'd expect, the woman is in awe, and asks, "Oh my God, how did you do that?!"

Tom simply responds, "Well you see ma'am, I'm an extractor fan."

The first one goes "I lost everything with my divorce, wealth, mansion, cars, bank balance etc. and here I am sharing a rented apartment with you. Nothing can be worse than this."

The second one assures him that his situation is much worse than him.

"How??" Demands the first one.

"Well I had a booming business and all the riches" he moaned. "Then it all came crashing down, with losses incurring, I lost my wealth, mansion, cars, bank balance etc. And here I am sharing a rented apartment with you."

"How's your situation worse than mine" growled the first one.

"You see my friend" sighed the second one "I still have my wife!"

An ambulance! He's got a car on his head!

An es-car-go

A Car Shrek

Car go road

The Texas Department of Transportation (TxDOT) found over 200 dead crows on U.S. Highway 281 this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus.

A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19).

The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorcycles, while only 2% were killed by cars.

TxDOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorcycle kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"!!!

Especially with all this car owner virus going around

Cars Against Humanity.

Her: How expensive?

Me: I dunno. Maybe $25,000.

Her: You could buy a car for that!

Me: That's a bit excessive -- I don't think it needs its own car.

Me car!

I gotta hand it to him, he knows how to fix a car

I said no, the cars are much faster

A hearse is driving up a very steep street and once it gets near the top, the back door opens up and the coffin comes shooting out of the hearse and rolls down the street.

People are diving out of the way, cars are swerving, it’s chaos! By the time it reaches the bottom of the hill it has picked up a lot of speed and crashes into a wall surrounded by people.

The door pops open, the body sits up and says “Do you have anything to stop this coughin?”

I guess you could say I got car-owner virus

His car got toad away

I notice the woman is hysterical and the rabbit, well let's just say he's had better days.
I think to myself "Can I render first aid ? "
Then it hits me, I can fix this.
I go to the boot of my car and grab a can of spray. So I spray this onto the rabbit and sure as shit he jumps up and hops away.

As he is hopping away every ten steps he stops looks backs and waves at us !
He repeats this until he eventually was out of sight.

The women then asks me "what was that can of spray you used?"

I look and it is hair restorer with a permanent wave.

I wish to add no Rabbits were harmed in the telling of this story

Me: I dunno. How heavy is she? Son: In a car dad

This happened only moments ago. You can't just softball 'em in like that, son.

Railroad crossing, look out for cars. Can you spell that without any "R"s?

WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?

WIFE: "In the pool".

A man is walking into an expensive restaurant when he is stopped by the Maitre'D, who tells him that he can't be admitted without a necktie. The man, late for his appointment, runs back out to his car and searches high and low. Finally, out of desperation, he grabs a set of jumper cables, ties them into a rough knot around his neck and runs back into the restaurant. The Maitre'D stares at him for a few seconds and finally says, "Alright, I'll let you in..." and then leans in and says in a low growl, "but you'd better not try to start anything."

She was having a lot of problems selling it because the car had 250,000 miles. One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied Judi, "as long as I can sell the car."

"Okay," said Judi's friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."

The following weekend, Judi made the trip to the mechanic. Two weeks later the friend asked Judi, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied Judi, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

I've caught the car owner virus !

A doctor is driving home one night along a lonely road when a rabbit suddenly bolted in front of his car. The doctor swerved and tried his best to stop, but it wasn't possible and the car hit the bunny.

He immediately pulled the car to the side of the road and got out to see if he could help the poor bunny. It didn't look good. He raced back to the car to retrieve his bag, but realized almost instantly that he was driving his wife's car and so his bag wouldn't be there.

He frantically rooted through the glovebox, trying to find gauze or water - anything that could be useful. He found a bottle of what he expected was water and brought it back to where the bunny was laying. With great care, he poured a cap full and let the bunny drink.

To the doctor's amazement, the rabbit sprang back to life - jumping up on his hind legs and wiggling his tail. He smiled at the doctor and waved as he began to prance back toward the woods. He hopped a couple of feet, paused, turned and waved again. Hopped another few feet, turned and waved yet again. He reached the edge of the trees and again, he turned and waved at the doctor.

Stunned, the doctor brought the bottle up to the light to see what magic potion he had discovered. Squinting his eyes, he read the label aloud, "Hair restorer with permanent wave".

I think it’s got car owner virus

I’m not sure, but I hear this virus is a car owna... 🤦🏻‍♂️ -dad outtttttt

Robin get in the car

Cars

Because he wanted to hear everyone say "Look at that S car go!".

A cyclist is struggling up a long steep hill on his bike, when he is met by a good Samaritan in a car. The guy offers him a long rope to tow him up the hill and the cyclist gratefully accepts. By the time they get to the top of the hill, the guy driving forgets he is towing the cyclist and heads on to the highway, with the poor cyclist ringing his bell in vain. In the meantime, a couple see them drive past their car on the highway and the wife turns to her husband:

"Wow, that car's going pretty fast, isn't it?" The husband replies, "the car?! Look at the cyclist behind him! He's going so fast he's ringing the bell to get the car to move out of the way!"

Those are the pie rates of the car I be in.

(I married two old jokes together, I hope that’s ok)

... I think it's caught the car owner virus"

Because it saw a pretty car.

As they say: In Soviet Russia, Cars drive you...

A bit harsh I thought, it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to hospital.

Oh, and by the way, those flashing lights on top of your car look really stupid.

called me at work saying someone just stole her car out of the driveway. She didn't get a good look at the suspect but she got the plate number...

Car-onavirus?

The only time I experience humility is when I get in my hot car and it feels hard to breathe!

He’s got car owner virus

*Dad putting a car in reverse*

Dad: "Ahhh, this takes me back."

I said to them 10,000$ but car go road

What with all this talk of car-owner virus

Getting out of the car as we switch (we car pool) :

Wife : This is my key.

Me : Who's Mikey?

Wife : Rolls her eyes in pain.

• I do this every time she talks about her key.

Looks like i have to cosine for a new car today!

Car dealerships have more cars in their lots than ever!

Wherever I drove, people would say, “look at that little s-car go!”

I told him it was the car berater.

What is the last thing to go through a flies mind when it hits a cars windshield?

It's bum.

I said “Hello, do you have any German cars?”

He got hit by a BRAND NEW CAR!

My family and I were in the car driving down the road the other day. My 5 year old asked for words that rhymed with blue.

“Well, there’s glue, two, moo, snoo, zoo, boo..”

My 8 year old chimes in, “Daddy, what’s snoo?”

My immediate response? “Not much, what’s new with you?”

My journey to the dark side has been complete.

So I crashed the car

Not screaming like the people in the back of his car.

Run in front of a car you get tyred

Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man who run in front of car get tired.

Who's there?

Cargo.

Cargo who?

No, owl go hoo. Car go beep beep.

I'm not sure, but I hear this virus is a car owner

With all of this “car owner virus” going around

He said: car no do that, car no fly.

Unlike the passengers in his car.

Me: I race cars.

Her: Do you win many races?

Me: No, the cars are much faster.

Not screaming like the people in the back seat of his car.

A car.