You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is
How do you know if your son floats in water?
Just drop that boy and see.
I'm giving all your toys to the orphanage, son.
You'll need something to play with.
Son: Dad, why did you name your pet tarantula James Bond?
Dad: Because it’s a Spy Duh!!
Son, remember if your parachute stops working mid-air, don't panic.
You'll have the rest of your life to fix it
As a circumcised man, I would highly recommend to not circumcise your son.
I was circumcised just after I was born, and I couldn’t walk for about a year.
Son, don't say your crush is too hot for you
Son: By law, you are actually required to turn on your headlights if if is raining in Sweden
Dad: Okay, but how the hell do I know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Are you taking people's temperature at your son's party?
Only if your dances moves are hot
Son: What are your plans for today?
Dad: A friend and I are going to buy some eyeglasses?
Son: And after that?
Dad: And after that, we'll see.
My son asked me, “What was your favourite music to listen to when growing up?” I said, “Led Zeppelin”.
My son: Who?
Me: Yes, they were good too.
What do you call it when your son has a really good comeback?
My wife to our son, "Go brush your teeth with your sister"
Me from the other room, "No, use a toothbrush".
My five year old son ’s dad in training comment when asked “what’s your address?”
Dad, I’m not a girl, I don’t wear dresses!
I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants
but he's still making fun of me
Son: What color is your toothbrush?
Son: What color is your toothbrush?
Dad: I don't know. I just use a random one
Dad: Hello son, where's your grandpa?
Son: I haven't senior dad today...
My son: Dad, what's the hardest thing you've ever done in your life?
Me: I poured some concrete once.
Son: Was that really hard?
Me: It is now.
(This took place at lunch earlier today. Was followed by groans all around.)
Hey son, today I told your science teacher a joke about salt, and she said...
My son is almost 3, and frantically calls me into his room when he should be sleeping. Dad! Dad! Put your finger in my ear... so I do...
"Get outta h-ear!", he says to me.
Made me so proud. Unprompted dad jokes from our little apprentices are just so great.
Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”
Dad: “Four shore!”
Son: Dad, is that a steering wheel in your pants?
Dad: Sure is son.. it's driving me nuts!
Police: We need to talk to your son about the fire at your neighbor's place
You have $400, your daughter text she needs $200, and your son text he needs $150. How much do you have left?
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages.
I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson… He said, “But dad, your name is Brian.” I said, “I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson.”
Prehistoric Dad: Son, your older brother is training to be a Hunter. Do you understand what that means?
A police officer says to a couple: "I'm sorry to tell you this, but your son set the school on fire".
They ask "Was it arson?", and the officer answers "Yes, your son".
Edit: holy shrimp! I got silver! Thanks for the reception!
He's your son when he makes all As, but...
... he's arson when he burns down buildings.
What happens when your son turns 6?
Ignore your mother's bad joke, son...
father: how are your grades son?
📷
son: underwater, dad
father: underwater? what do you mean?
son: they're below C level
Son: Hey Dad, why do you have your ear right up to that computer?
Dad: I’m listening to A Dell
Son: Dad, where do you get your jokes from
Dad: I don’t know,I reddit somewhere.
My son borrows money from me every week, so I told him, “I don’t think you understand the seriousness of your debt situation.”
He said, “Oh please. You should really give me a bit more credit.”
"I don't like your tone!" I yelled at my son.
"Well, I don't like it either but can do nothing about it since my dad's white and mom's black!" He yelled back.
"Hey Son, thanks for letting me borrow your car. By the way I got some water in the carburator." "Where's my car?"
Conversation with my son: Do you have a cup for your whiskey..
No, I use a shot glass..a cup is too big..7 shots bottle empty
-Dad, no!
and I would be dead..
-In that case, dead, no!
"What do you want for your birthday?" I asked my son.
He said, "I want a gaming mouse, dad."
"That might be tricky," I told him.
"Why?" he asked.
I said, "Well, I'm not sure rodents like video games."
Son: Dad, according to the manual, it’s not a good idea to have the volume of your phone turned up to the maximum.
Dad: That’s sound advice.
My 8 y.o. son just discovered Yo Mama jokes. Here’s the first one he told me: Your Mama’s so fat
Donald Trump’s gonna use her for his border wall.
When your son is transgender
Dad: (Smiling while filling out paperwork at the DMV) Son: Dad, why are you smiling? The DMV sucks! Dad: Let's just say your mom probably won't let me run errands anymore...
Son: Dad, did you know in some countries you don’t know who your wife is until you get married?
Dad: It’s like that everywhere, son.
I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson… He said, “But dad, your name is Brian.” I said, “I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson.”
I tried to explain my 4-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants,
but he's still making fun of me.
I tried to explain to my four-year-old son that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants…
But he’s not buying it.
In fact, he’s still making fun of me.
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