Wife says I won’t get 5 upvotes for this, but... Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree?
They had a long conversation about bark.
Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.
My doctor says that when you die, your pupils are the last thing to go.
The wife and I were at the marriage counselor. "Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?" The marriage counselor asked glaring at me.
I look at my wife frustratingly and shout "You never even told me you sold flowers!?"
What's something you should never say to a blind girlfriend?
I think we should see other people.
You can't not say it
In a freak accident today,a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.
To be fair,the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.
An old guy goes to the chemist and asks the pharmacist, "Is there some pills that can help with sex?" The pharmacist says, "Yes, Viagra, it's awesome, I take it myself" The old guy asks, "Can you get it over the counter?" Pharmacist replies, "If I took 2 or 3, probably."
I guess you could say I was destined to be a dermatologist.
Hello. I'm Dr. Lance Boyle.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing
My buddy says beer makes you smarter....
But I dont think itll make my budweiser
How does a French weeb say thank you?
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face".
Off work today. You could say I'm... All Dressed Up and nowhere to go
What do you say to a monkey with bananas in its ears?
Anything, because it can’t hear you.
Two bees are drinking at a bar, a couple aproaches them, one of the bees says "Get away, you scumbags!" The other says:
"I'm sorry for what my friend said, I would like to a-pollen-gise"
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "You are in here a lot, do you think you have a drinking problem?"
The horse says, "I don't think so," then disappears into nothing.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. The classic philosophy put forward by René Descartes.
But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
So last night my boyfriend left the bedroom door open to get more heat in the room because there are more heating vents in the hallway than in the bedroom. I said, "You might say it's eVENTful." He didn't laugh. So then I said, "You'll laugh eVENTually."
A guy’s Mom comes to visit him at his job at the aquarium where she finds him feeding a baby dolphin. She says look at you, you were smart. You could have had a real job, really done some good for the world. Her son snapped back,...
Hey, my job serves a youthful porpoise!
Say what you want about want about waitresses....
....but they do bring a lot to the table.
I was having a glass of wine with my wife after a long day and I heard her say "I love you so much and always look forward to being with you at the end of the day. I don't know what I'd do without you." "Is that you or the wine talking?" I asked. She replied "It's me...
A child with a speech impediment is dressed as a pirate. A man asks what are you. He says he is a birate. You mean a pirate? Yes a birate. Oh well then where are your buccaneers?
On each side of my buckin head you buckin idiot!!
Interviewer: Your resume says you take things too literally
Me: When did my resume learn to talk?
Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are locked in battle, and Vader says to Luke, "I know what you're getting for Christmas." Luke says, "No, that's impossible, how could that be?" Vader leans in closer, their lightsabers crackling under the pressure, and he replies...
I was at a friends funeral and I said to the widow “do you mind if I say a word?”
She said go ahead.
I stood up said “plethora” and sat back down.
“Thank you”, the grieving widow responded, “it means a lot”
What do you say when your stationary bin starts moving?
What do you need to ride on when you say good bye to a king?
A bike. Because you say bye King.
Two atoms walk into a bar, one says to the other “Dang, I left my electrons in the car.” The other replies, “Are you sure?”
A Russian named Rudolph looked out of his window one day and told his wife not to go out without an umbrella. His wife asked ”What makes you say that”?
He replied ”Rudolph the red knows rain dear”.
"All you're doing is listening to what I say to tell me I'm wrong!"
They say if you want to be a successful prospector, you shouldn't get a major in geology.
You should get a miner instead.
What do you say to a small onion that has helped you?
What do you say to a woman who has given birth to members of the military?
Thank you for your cervix.
To all of you who have been disowned by fathers. In honor of pride month and on behalf of all dads of R/dadjokes I just wanna say, buffalo.
Because you can always be our bi-son, and even if you don't feel like shooting straight, we will always be trans-parent with you. You are loved.
“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...
Day 4: “why do you say so many bad puns”
I'm a real big fan of cars. I guess you could say I am..
What do you say to your slow fence builder when he's not being original on r/dadjokes?
They say an informed racist is better than an uninformed racist. You know what's worse than an uninformed racist?
Eight days in and this year looks like it might be as bad as last year. Possibly even worse. If it does turn out worse, well, you know what they say...
You could say their drive is going swimmingly
What do you say to a French assassin?
Say what you want about the iPhone X but
You can't deny it had a top notch screen.
A Scotsman visits his doctor. He pulls his kilt up and says doctor you have to help me I'm going crazy
The doctor says I can clearly see your nuts
What do you say when you cross the border between Sweden and Finland?
And across the Finnish line
well, you know what they say... when life gives you melons...
You’re probably dislexic.
2 drunk guys getting into a fight. One gets up and draws a line on the ground. He says "you cross this line and I'll punch you in the face".
That was the punchline...
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