The waiter came up and said β do you want a box for the leftoversβ
I said βNo, but Iβll wrestle you for itβ
π︎ 590
π
︎ Nov 07 2022
If you were 8 when βrock lobsterβ came outβ¦
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Aug 25 2022
My German friend came up with a new game where you run around touching each other with a baguette.
Itβs called Gluten Tag.
π︎ 45
π
︎ Nov 14 2022
The farmerβs son came home from college and he asked βwell son what did you learn?β the son replies βΟ rΒ²β.
The disappointed father retorts, βno no son, pie are round. Cornbread are square.β
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Jul 30 2022
A turtle got mugged by a gang of snails. Detective Rabbit of the Wildlife police came out to take his statement. He asked the turtle, βCan you give me a description of the assailants?β
The turtle replied, βI donβt know. It all happened so fast!β
π︎ 14
π
︎ Oct 12 2022
A logger took his son to work the other day. The father went to look for a tree and the son stayed behind to practice his swing. The boy tripped and dinged the truck. His farther came back and saw the ding. He said "son, can you tell me what I'm looking at?". The son said,
π︎ 87
π
︎ Sep 18 2022
My son came downstairs this morning with a big old smile on his face, so I asked him, "Do you know where happiness is made?!" He shrugged and said, "No idea, were?" I smiled back and replied...
π︎ 7k
π
︎ May 21 2022
Did you see that Oscar Mayer came out with a new meatless hotdog?
It's just a hollow-wiener
π︎ 7
π
︎ Oct 31 2022
My mother asked me to buy her some olives. So I came home, held the jar aloft, and said to the room: "ya know how I feel about olive you?"
π︎ 2
π
︎ Nov 11 2022
My ten-year-old daughter came up with this at dinner tonight: What do you get if put a copy of Macbeth on top of a dictionary?
π︎ 6k
π
︎ Jan 20 2022
Did you know Pepsi and Coke came together to make a new drink?
π︎ 18
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︎ Aug 23 2022
My 8 year old daughter just came up with this: What do you call Batman when he's hurt?
π︎ 15k
π
︎ Nov 03 2021
If you were traveling in a desert and came upon an oasis, and a bunch of thieves popped out and robbed youβ¦
Would you call that a thirst trap?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Aug 31 2022
My 7-year-old came up with this and decided to share it with me: What do you call a penguinβs smile?
π︎ 154
π
︎ Apr 22 2022
I was walking down the road the other day eating a packet of raisins and a guy came up to me and said Iβll swap you 20 sultanas for your raisins
I couldnβt believe the current exchange rate
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jul 15 2022
I was on a flight the other day when the air hostess came up to me and asked, βExcuse me sir, would you like to have dinner?β I answered, βSure! What are the options?β She smiled and responded...
π︎ 191
π
︎ Apr 07 2022
I know Apple's spreadsheet software is bad, but did you know what came before Numbers?
Genesis, Exodus, and Leviticus.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Aug 04 2022
My girlfriend came to me with a balloon that said "will you marry me?"
So I popped the question.
π︎ 70
π
︎ May 19 2022
I came up with a joke where you remove the letters C and H.
But I forgot the pun line.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Nov 01 2021
Did you know Tesla came out with a model exclusively in Canada?
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Aug 07 2021
I bought a thing of pickles when I went grocery shopping. When I got home, I used it to hold the door. My wife came up to me later and said, "Honey, you left the door open."
"No, dear, I left it a jar."
π︎ 22
π
︎ Jun 04 2022
Groucho Marx Gem : A man came up to me and said, "Are you Grouch Marx?"
...and I said to him, "No, are you**?"**
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jun 17 2022
A friend of mine had an idea for a subscription box that came with everything you needed to make something akin to Pita bread but softer and made with yogurt.
I had to tell him it was a Naan-starter.
π︎ 2
π
︎ May 23 2022
came up with this: have you guys heard of Tupac Shakur's lesser known brother who went into dentistry?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Apr 13 2022
My 9 year old came up with this: what do you call a tsunami of books?
π︎ 63
π
︎ Jan 26 2022
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasnβt happy at all. βHow much have you had to drink?β she asked sternly, staring at me. βNothingβ I slurred. βLook at me!β she shouted. βItβs either me or the pub, which one is it?β
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, βItβs you. I can tell by the voice.β
π︎ 16k
π
︎ Dec 27 2020
My 5yo came up to me and said "Dad, what you get when you tie a fruit to your hand and punch an enemy?"
Going along with it, I said "Hmm. I'm not sure. What?"
He yelled"A FRUIT PUNCH!" And punched me in the groin with no fruit tied to his hand.
More of a joke on Dad than a Dad joke.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Apr 23 2022
Did you hear about the drummer that came out of retirement?
π︎ 21
π
︎ Mar 05 2022
My 9yo came up with this: What do you call an owl with laser eyes?
A HOOray!!! π π¦ π
π︎ 337
π
︎ Oct 25 2021
My 5 year old just came up with the following: what do you call C-3PO when he falls apart?
3 Piece-E-O!
(So proud! π)
π︎ 84
π
︎ Dec 27 2021
My daughter came into my "home office" (closet) and said, "You wanna hear a joke?" I told her that I did
Daughter: "Quarantine."
Me: . . .
Daughter: "You don't get it. It's an inside joke."
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Aug 08 2020
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
π︎ 17k
π
︎ May 06 2020
Did you know the idea for Mortal Kombat came from an old Scandinavian song?
π︎ 120
π
︎ Nov 02 2021
Playing minecraft with my son and this one just came to me: What do you call a baby axolotl?
π︎ 417
π
︎ Sep 07 2021
My 8 year old son came home after school with this one: "Dad, did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
"Oh really?"
"Yeah, it runs in your jeans!"
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jan 25 2022
I came home the other night to find my wife crying on the floor. I said βwhatβs wrong?β She said βIβm homesickβ. I said βwhat do you mean, youβre at home.β
She said βI know. Iβm sick of it.β
π︎ 18
π
︎ Jan 23 2022
Did you hear that the sentence came through for the two guys that stole the calendar?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 12 2022
Did you know there's a professional way to tell if a lion came from Iran (formerly Persia) and of good pedigree?
It's called the Roar Shah test.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 16 2022
Was watching tv with the kids this weekend and an AppleTV screensaver of the earth came on. My daughter said, βYou can see the atmosphere, thatβs coolββ
I replied, βYeah but itβs getting warmer these days.β
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jan 24 2022
A police officer came up to me yesterday and said, "Where were you between four and six?"
π︎ 37
π
︎ Nov 15 2021
My teenage daughter came home from school and she was blazing mad. βWe had sex education today, dad and you lied to me! You told me if I have sex before my sixteenth birthday, my boyfriend will die!β I put down my newspaper, looked at her and saidβ¦
βOh, he will, sweetheart, he will.β
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Mar 10 2018
My 5yo blew us away with this original that he came up with all on his own. What do you call two ice dragons?
Twice dragons.
Update: honestly thank you everyone, you guys are totally making this kids day! Distance learning in kindergarten has been rough and he misses seeing his friends pretty hard, so when I told him about this (I was able to use βWreck-It Ralph : Ralph breaks the Internetβ and buzz tube with likes/hearts as a reference) heβs been smiling from ear to ear nonstop since! A million thankyouβs for the kind words and awards.
π︎ 302
π
︎ Feb 01 2021
My 7 year old came up with this one yesterday and I thought you guys would enjoy
Why should you never tell a window a joke?
They might crack up!
Iβm so proud of her.
π︎ 27
π
︎ Aug 02 2021
If you were 8 when rock lobster came outβ¦
π︎ 9
π
︎ Sep 06 2022
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasnβt happy at all. βHow much have you had to drink?β she asked sternly, staring at me. βNothingβ I slurred. βLook at me!β she shouted. βItβs either me or the pub, which one is it?β
I paused for a second while I thought and said, βItβs you. I can tell by the voice.β
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Jun 10 2020
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