I just got fired, and as severance, my company gave me a bag of used coffee.

They said it was grounds for termination.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jvlpdillon
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
🚨︎ report
I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes

My doctor says it’s terminal.

πŸ‘︎ 271
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/christiescrubbs
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Some well considered puns

From an email my cousin sent me:

I wanted to be a monk but I never got the chants.

I was kidnapped by mimes, they did unspeakable things to me.

The finest shoes are made of smooth leather, my opinion will never be suede.

A perfectionist walked into a bar - apparently it wasn't set high enough.

Man injured in bizarre peek-a-boo accident! He's in ICU.

Went to this horrible bar called "The Fiddle" ... it really was a vile inn.

To the thief who stole my glasses, I will find you - I have contacts.

If any of you knows how to fix hinges my door is always open.

Police car loses wheels to thief! Cops are working tirelessly to nab suspect.

Cold? Go stand in the corner, it's 90 degrees.

If your guy doesn't appreciate fresh fruit puns let that mango.

A few puns make me numb but math puns make me number.

My friend was explaining electricity and I was like "Watt"?

Someone threw a jar of mayo at me, I was like "What the hellman?"

Where did the Terminator find toilet paper? Aisle B, back.

Due to the quarantine I'll only be doing inside jokes.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Eli_Truax
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
🚨︎ report
I caught the flu at an airport once.

It was a terminal illness.

(Special thanks to my dog's friend's dad for this one)

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PKE95
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the computer that caught a virus?

Doc says it’s terminal.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DaBowserman
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I went to the doctor because I can't stop saying airplane jokes

He said it was terminal

πŸ‘︎ 91
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/redt1979
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I noticed 2 large bumps on my car battery.

I had them tested and one came back positive. Google says it’s terminal.

πŸ‘︎ 382
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CodyClay1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I was diagnosed with a condition where I can't stop making airport jokes.

The doctor said it was terminal

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Popular333
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I had a friend who kept telling airport jokes as he got sicker and sicker from Covid-19

He eventually died. I guess the condition was terminal.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Looking at a Terminix truck, the IX at the end are the roman numerals for the number nine...

Which is one more than eight. I feel this has to have been part of the name creation. β€œWe’ll do you one better than terminate, we’ll termiNINE”.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mchead22
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ve been diagnosed with a terrible disease that makes me tell an abundance of airport jokes...

The doctor says it’s terminal

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kippergills
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Coffee Joke

So at work this morning I opened up a new can of coffee grounds and thought β€œIf I spilled this on the floor...would that be grounds for termination?” πŸ˜†

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KIrvine77
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Interviewer: What did you do at your last job?

Me: I played video games

Interviewer: Why were you terminated?

Me: I played video games.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you fall sick at an airport?

Terminal Illness

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Uzitha
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
🚨︎ report
A man caught a deadly virus while waiting for his flight at the airport

He's terminal ill

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Feddny
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the terminator kill people even after retirement?

He was an ex-terminator

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vdtxdtc_chf
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Why didn't the hitman cancel his cable tv?

He didn't want to pay an early termination fee.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/warpedddd
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ve been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I’m an airport building.

Hope it’s not terminal.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tangledtitty
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
🚨︎ report
I was talking to my girlfriend only to hear that she had never seen the Terminator.

Now they call me the ex-terminator.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NameTheTrait
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a diet that causes chronic flatulence ?

In-terminant farting

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Actual joke (?) from my dad.

Me: the actors who played anakin, emperor palpatine, and darth vader came to meet and kid with a terminal illness recently.

Dad: You'd think that Hayden Christiensen would've thought the kid had suffered enough.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/boiboiboi21
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
🚨︎ report
After Arnie's last Terminator film, he became even more lethal

as an exTerminator

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
🚨︎ report
The end of my battery has corrosion...

I think it's terminal.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Pearl Harbor of puns

If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?

I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?

China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.

I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?

I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.

I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.

I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"

I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".

If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?

If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?

My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.

I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.

Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.

Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.

You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"

A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PraetorSolaris
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Me: Hello, Arnold? T-800, I need your help

Arnold: I’m not a terminator anymore, I’m retired

Me: But my house is filled with cockroaches & rats, please help!!!

Arnold: Howβ€˜s that my concern?

Me: If you’re retired doesn’t that make you an exterminator?

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Temilitary
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
🚨︎ report
What's the fastest speed a line of people at an airport can board an airplane?

Terminal velocity.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mkaic
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Why does Pepsi always achieve its goals?

It’s soda termined

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you know that in the last stages of a Terminator's lifetime it becomes so weak that it is only capable of killing small animals?

At that point it is fired and becomes an ex-Terminator.

πŸ‘︎ 139
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/muriken_egel
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2018
🚨︎ report
It's just plane wrong...

I'm a nervous flyer, and just curious, as to why in the heck the building we catch the plane from is called a terminal...πŸ€”

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thedurtyjoo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend died after using Linux for a long time.

He acquired a terminal illness.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2018
🚨︎ report
I need help writing airplane puns for a message on a dating site.

So the person's profile only talks about airplanes. I wanted to send a message totally jammed packed with airplane puns but I don't have that many. It's probably a fake profile but I still think it would be fun.

Here's what I have so far. Hey Girl. Most of the girls on this website are so 'plane' but you're the exception. I have a 'terminal' illness and hope to meet my copilot before I go. Just kidding. My health is 'A oK47'. I was just 'play'n' around. Just to let you know I have some baggage from some 'turbulence' in a previous relationship but Shirley I can get past it. My previous relationship taught me that two wrongs don't make a right. However, two Wrights made an airplane. I hope a new relationship can 'takeoff' with you though. I would be a great boyfriend. I have financial 'security' and could buy you anything you want with my 'visa'. Have you seen the movie, "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles"? It's really good, except for the train and automobile parts.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/richrawl
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2018
🚨︎ report
I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes

My doctor says it’s terminal

πŸ‘︎ 18k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/schiggy182
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes.

I think it may be terminal

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes

My doctor says it terminal

πŸ‘︎ 361
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/torrenter_11
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes.

My doctor says it's terminal.

πŸ‘︎ 95
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I have this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes.

My doctor says it’s terminal.

πŸ‘︎ 50
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/s_tormbringr
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes.

The doctor says it's terminal.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes

my doctor says it's terminal

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/growupyall
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport jokes

The doctor says it's terminal

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bgreenwood95
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2019
🚨︎ report
I just noticed two large bumps on my car battery.

I had one of them tested, and it was positive. Hope it's not terminal.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/throwingitout2day
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I have an awful illness where I can’t stop telling airport jokes...

... My doctor says it’s terminal.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cyktic
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a disease you caught at the airport?

Terminal illness.

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WritingWithSpears
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2018
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.