Im sure my friend who works at the local cinema has got yellow fever.
He's showing all the classic Simpsons
Me: "I'm forcing friendship. I friended you on Facebook" Her: "I won't stand for this." Me: "Well, it's a good thing you're sitting in a chair." Cue me being the only one laughing. Me: "You have to admit, that was pretty good." Her: "It was alright." Me: "But it's not because I have a left arm and a left leg, so I can't be alright." Her: "This just needs to stop"
Father and son place there order and arrive at the cash register to pay and the total was $12.03.
Dad "You got three cents?" Son "No." Dad "Course not you got no sense."
son groaned, I chuckled
There's too much sax and violins
Edit: Thank you so much for the gold and silver
Coworker:Who would ask the same question twice?
Me: What>
Coworker: Who would ask the same question twice
(laughter goes here)
"I just had the weirdest dream, and I can't make any sense of it."
Mrs Claus sits up and replies "Why don't you tell me about it dear?"
"They're I am, doing the Christmas eve rounds, checking in on the workers and I see one of them topping up the sleigh with gas. It's just routine work, but it woke me up tonight. What do you make of it?"
"Oh I see," Mrs Claus says, "very interesting."
"Well?" Santa says expectantly.
"This is a classic example of an elf fuel filling prophecy."
A classic Abbott and Costello routine from their radio show – where Bud Abbott is talking about his Uncle Herman who works in a dye factory, and Lou Costello confuses “dyeing” for “dying”
I work a cancer hospital and schedule patients for surgery and procedures and stuff. I had this one couple who I knew I would like as soon as they sat down. The first thing the man says to me “you wanna hear a joke?” Me “ah, of course!” ....a few moments of silence go by... dad “did you hear about that actress? I think she played in miss congeniality? It was Reese something? She committed suicide.” Totally buying the story I go, “are you serious!? Reese Witherspoon!?” And with out a beat he says “No, with a knife.” And I looked at him for a few seconds to comprehend the joke and then lost it! I know this is probably old but it’s a classic.
Ok this requires a bit of context. In Norwegian, shark translates to hai. The answer is therefore:
Sharks go to Hai-Schools!
This is quite a classic, in norwegian, but as we don’t call groups of fish schools, i found this joke works for both languages! Hope you enjoyed!
In my business law class we were discussing this court case. In the case, a woman named Courtney was hitting off the tee box at a country club and sliced the shot off the course. The ball hit a guy who was working on a nearby roof, and gave him permanent brain damage. Our professor then asked us who we thought was responsible for the damages: the golf course, the course designer, or the woman. A student in the back asks "Well what if Courtney was drunk while she was playing" to which our professor responded
"Well then we would just have a classic case of drinking... and driving."
I'm still not sure which was louder, my friend and I bursting out laughing or the collective groan that filled the room.
I started working as a teacher's assistant in a kindergarten class this year and am loving it so far.
Last week, a kid said to me, "Mr. Xy, I'm hungry." I responded with the classic, "Hi hungry, I'm Mr. Xy." The entire table I was working with erupted in laughter - they had never heard that joke before. I was 100% expecting a groan from them. Since then, almost everyday, the kids set me up to tell it again.
So I work retail and I was restocking shelves on a hardware isle with tools, doohickeys, and thingies. He was walking and talking with a new boss (training him and such) when they stopped at my isle. They didn't really notice me so it was perfect.
I picked up a stud finder and hit 'em with a classic!
"Hey guys check it out! It's a stud finder" Runs it over chest "Beep beep beep. Oh hey it's working!"
My boss had a few chuckles and the other guy said something about it being stupid but smiled anyways. Me? I was laughing my ass off.
My sister works with little kids at a camp
Me: So what did you guys do at camp during the storm?
Sister: We watched The Land Before Time
Me: Ah, a timeless classic!
Classic Dad joke this guy told at my work today.
I asked my wife this weekend, "You wanna know how you and lemon pie are alike?" She said, "Yeah". So, I told her, "'cause you're wearing maaaaaaa raaaaang".
So I'm 25 years old, work full time, live at home, and my dad still makes my lunch. Today I texted my dad after I bit into my turkey sandwich because something seemed to be different about this turkey. My dad proceeded to classically dad joke me.
Me: weird turkey
Dad: blackened
Me: idk how I feel about it
Dad: think the turkey felt the same way
The dental hygienist asked me which part of my mouth they should work on tonight, then relayed my response to the dentist when he came into the room. He responded in classic dad fashion:
Hygienist: We're gonna work on the top left. Dentist: The top left? What if I wanted to work on the top left? (pause) Dentist: You know what? I've got it. I'm gonna work on the top left.
I was over my rents eating dinner the other day and was talking to my mom about work.
Me: I have this new manager, and she keeps asking me all these asinine questions about the most basic things
Dad: I'd only give it an 8.
Me: Wha.....ohhhh
-________- classic dad
