Work stealing Puns

It's grounds for dismissal.

A work colleague of mine, Ted, was recently caught stealing work supplies for his brother Grant. Which was a shame because I'd told him it would happen if he kept it up. Only the day before he was caught I told him "You can't keep taking these things for Grant, Ted!"

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

"Ya know, if they put out a warrant for your arrest for stealing those potatoes you would be on the yam."

But it was a whisk I was willing to take.

One is a groundskeeper, while the other is a grounds keeper.

They stole the sticker and left the car.

I guess it blew up in their face.

I was going to stop and say something, but I was worried he might take a fence!

But I'm not a big whisk taker

When the friend finally got the location to run the shop he tried to get some experienced and dedicated employees. However, he soon realized that all the good employees for a gelato shop were already working at some nearby locations. So he had to deal with some mediocre people who didn’t care that much about gelatos. Then a day before the opening of the shop the person who was supposed to provide the materials for the gelatos called in as sick. Finally there were also some teenagers who decided to steal some of the decorations.

When the friend told this story the other friend then said,

#“Man, you have gelat of problems.”

Plagiarism

The work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

1   - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2   - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3   - Half the people you know are below average.

4   - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6   - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7   - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8   - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9   - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first, you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is a place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first, you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

And given the deaf penalty

I worried that my dad was stealing stuff from his road work job, and when I got home all the signs were there.

I heard on the news there was a guy in town stealing the wheels of police cars. The cops are working tirelessly to catch him

In the not too distant future, web censorship is pervasive; speech and freedom are strangers to one another; while pirates sail the seas with impunity, digital pirates are incarcerated by the busload.

Anyone who speaks out against this ban on open-dialogue or the free-sharing-of-ideas is ground down and hidden away, and the resistance is loosing its will.

A small group of contributors to reddit, huddled together in a bunker beneath barely-waving flags of Snoo, worked tirelessly to repost new ideas from around the internet, to release ideas from their chains, and make speech free ... again!

But it was not to be - a gang of the governments anti-piracy enforcers descended on this, the last bastion of humankind's will to share-freely. Arriving in an armored bus, ten shock-troopers breached the bunker and it looked like the day was lost.

Fortunately for us all, one brave redditor led the collective out a back entrance and they circled to the driveway. This leader told the other redditors to wait in the bushes while he overpowered the one soldier left guarding the transport. There was a flash of movement, a crack from a fallen branch as it struck the guard, and then, stolen keys in hand, the hero revved the engine and told the redditors to pile in.

He had to will himself ignore the gas gauge as he floored the accelerator on the 25,000 pound ticket to freedom - there was only survival or defeat, and nothing in between. Sirens came alive behind him as he rushed for the border to the promised land, to the Free-North.

As the engine begins to cough, the titanic weight of the transport cleaves the barricades asunder and the pursuing vehichles have to hard-brake to avoid skidding beyond their corrupt jurisdiction. Both exhausted and elated, the redditors follow their hero to the freedom promised by their new surroundings ... but their peril is not yet passed.

Though most of the pirate-hunters glower from the south-side of the border, one special agent has crossed over and is speaking with the border guards. The tension is thick. A long-faced guard turns to the newcomers, clearly troubled by what he must do.

"Folks," he says, a pained look on his kindly face, "I'm sorry, to do this, don't cha' know, but I got no choice, eh!"

Confused, the redditors look to one another, and tremble as they notice the agent's smug expression, greedy eyes fixed on the leader of the exodus.

"Look here, now, you are all welcome here, of course, and since speech is free here, we are

So my brother is a policeman and last night got a call about a stolen washing machine...

So he goes to it, ridiculous argument insues between the two parties then a slight wrestling match from my brother and the accuser and he gets nicked. So then my mum asks him

"What about the washing machine? Did the other man steal it?"

my dad replies instantly:

"It made a clean getaway"

I can't wait to have kids so my brain work the same way...

I'll start: I could not believe when they told me my road work father was stealing from his job. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Dad: "Hey Son, real quick I gotta go to work but I wanted to tell you something first" Me: "yeah sure what?" Dad: "I refuse to believe, that my hard working father who has been a road worker for 50 years is stealing from the job, but when I got home, all the signs were there!" click

I've been working on a screenplay for a movie (nothing big, nothing even medium-sized, I'm pretty much doing it for fun with one of my friends) and we can't think of a clever movie title. The TL;DR version is it's about a bartender who accidentally steals a undercover cops ID just by coincidence. It's not a comedy (asides from a but of dry humor) so nothing too dadjokey, no offense to r/dadjokes, but just a good clever pun would be great. If you have any ideas please let me know! Thanks!

I work at a workout shop called Sweat. It's bit of a janky chain store. Soon, after I started working there, I start dating a super cute kelpto who has too much fun stealing. Other than that she's perfect. Winter rolls around and she gets bored.

GF wants to rob my work.

It's like -10° out.

Stores closed so they don't have the heat on but, I have a set of keys. We get into an argument about it. She tells me to help her steal at least one thing from the freezing store or she'll split up with me.

I break into a cold sweat.

[Discussing my plans to progressively steal more & more of my old Lego from my parents place]

Me: So this stuff I took was mostly technic pieces coz my nephew is way to young to understand how it all works

Her: But it's still harsh to be taking it - what about when he does become old enough for it?

Me: This is my plan for the future & the Lego which will go to our own children eventually... Call it... my legocy!!

[Wife makes one of the loudest dad joke groans I've ever heard]

I work part time managing a vineyard's tasting room. We serve a cheese plate and we tell people what kind of cheeses are on it. So I serve one and I get to the last cheese.

"This is a Vermont cave aged Gouda."

His response was, "I guess I'll find out how Gouda it is."

I think I'll steal it for the next time I serve one.

So I was working at the summer camp my school district puts on today, and one of the students had an injury which involved an ice pack for treatment. She was sitting with her sister, who then stole the ice pack in an attempt to keep cool. I walk up to her, and I say, "Stealing an ice pack from your injured sister? That's cold."

Cue groaning

But it was a whisk I was willing to take.

But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

A man has been stealing police cars wheels, the police are working tirelessly to catch him

Credit to u/MahicShah