Miss Andrea.
We broke up. She got tired of me pushing her around.
Though she never stood up for herself.
The woman asked the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: "You had twins, a girl and a boy. They're both fine. And your brother named them for you."
Woman: "Oh my, not my brother! No! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?"
Doctor: "Denise."
Woman: "Oh, wow! That's a really pretty name. What about the boy?"
Doctor: deep sigh "Denephew.“
“Driver’s license?” the blonde driver asks, somewhat confused.
“You know, the little rectangle with your face on it that you keep in your purse,” the blonde cop explains patiently.
“Oh, that!” the blonde driver exclaims. She digs around in her purse and finally pulls out a small rectangular mirror, which she hands to the blonde cop.
The blonde cop looks at the mirror and exclaims, “Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am, you’re free to go…I didn’t realize you were a cop!”
Edit: Some people in the comments are saying that this is not a dad joke, I put this here cause my dad told this one to me. Hope this makes sense :)
He said they make great mummies.
“Why so cheap?” she asked the pet store owner. The owner said, “Well, this bird used to live in a brothel, and occasionally it says some pretty vulgar stuff.” The woman thought about this, but decided that for $50, she just had to have the bird.
She took the bird home, hung the cage up in the living room, and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.” The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “Meh… That's really not so bad” and laughed it off.
When her two teenage daughters got home from school, the bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls!!!” The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then laughed about the situation – considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
A few moments later, the woman’s husband got home from work. The bird looked at him and said, “New house, new madam, new girls, welcome back Keith!!!”
You’ve probably never heard of herbivore…
Judge says, 'First offender?' She says, 'Yes, and then a Gibson!
So I pushed her
Atrophy wife
I asked her "Wow, that's sounds really interesting, did you have to do a normal course for that, or was it some sort of intense Hypercourse?"
I was pretty happy that my horde of useless trivia finally came in handy. And she was happy that my eyes didn't glaze over when she talked about Roman tessellated floors.
Their sisters develop auntie-bodies
when I was in her womb
Desperate, slightly unpleasant men will be clamoring for your interest.
She had a violet streak and her arrest record was plum too long.
Snowballs.
Merbutler.
Bernadette.
Two Mennonite
"Sure, I'll plan one for you next year," he said.
Her special day finally came around, and a surprise party was held. After half a minute, everyone said goodbye and began to leave.
"Is that it...?" she asked her husband, widely confused.
He proudly tells her, "Honey, that was your thirty-second birthday!"
She replied, “no, first a Gibson, then a Fender”.
“Let me bayou a drink!”
Don't get too excited, their kids were nothing to look at.
She only had a Coach bag.
,,I want a million dollars!'' she screams excited.
The Genie nods. ,,It shall be as you wi-''
,,No!'' interrupts the woman. ,,Such a wish is selfish and petty. No, what I want is for wars to end.'' She drags forth a handy map of the world. ,,See these countries? They are scarred with ancient bloodfeuds. You should show them peace. Yes, that's my wish.''
,,B-but ma'm, that's impossible! Their hearts are so hardened, and I would have to prevent droughts and hunger and disarm all threats...-'' pleas the genie desperately.
,,Very well, since you're so tired, I guess I'll settle for something else. Now... I've been without a man for so long, and my last husband was nothing short of a rat, so I'd like a man. A man that... does the laundry and the dishes and vaccuums the house. He must be gentle in manners but wild and talented in bed, and of course sexy and handsome. He must love me more than anything else in this world and tell me so each day with a bouquet of flowers. But most of all he'll have to understand me. Yes, that's what I want, the perfect man.''
The genie sighs. ,,Just give me the fucking map.'
But he was gladiator
She said "Sorry, we only take cash or card."
Gal-owes humor
I said, "You'll meteorite man some day."
An addadicktome
In Jezebels.
Ilene.
She'll never fail to make you fine
When a man sits down next to her and whispers in her ear "may I say a word?"
Of course she replies.
The man stands up, clears his throat and says "plethora" and sits back down.
The grieving widow leans towards him and says, "thanks, that means a lot."
He was Gladiator.
Because she was wrong, it was señor's day.
But some glass is well tempered.
I mean who wants to see a miss-fortune teller.
But I'm so polite, I only look at the covered 10%.
Peg or Eileen
My own dad told me this one years ago. If this flops, blame him
You can unscrew the light bulb but not the woman.
A man can sometimes find a golf ball.
They charged her with possession of unlicensed firearms.
Judge says: “First offender?” She says: “No, first a Gibson. Then a Fender.”
but you've probably never heard of herbivore
