No one will listen to White Snake with me
SO here I go again on my own
π︎ 6k
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︎ Mar 31 2021
My daughter told me nothing rhymes with orange. I told her sheβs wrong.
Nothing and orange have completely different ending sounds.
π︎ 1k
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︎ Apr 17 2021
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took
π︎ 7k
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︎ Mar 06 2021
My wife told me that she'd slept with 7 people before we met.
I wouldn't mind, but I was only 20 minutes late.
π︎ 9k
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︎ Feb 22 2021
This bloke said to me: βIβm going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.β
I said: βIs that a fret?'
π︎ 407
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︎ Apr 07 2021
My wife left me because of my obsession with horoscopes
π︎ 10k
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︎ Feb 05 2021
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my sonβs train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
π︎ 791
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︎ Mar 28 2021
9yo shared this one with me: What do you call a cow who just had a baby?
De-calf-inated!
Edit: it's been pointed out some people pronounce calf as cΔlf, so its taking a second. Pronounce it like decaffeinated coffee.
π︎ 2k
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︎ Feb 24 2021
My best friend gave me this today because I'm obsessed with pigs & it is the best card I've ever gotten.
reddit.com/gallery/lkaalp
π︎ 2k
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︎ Feb 15 2021
While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said βShe obviously has COVID!β βWhy would you think that?β I asked.
βBecause she has no taste.β
π︎ 13k
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︎ Jan 13 2021
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me ?
Find out next week.
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Jan 15 2021
My wife hit me on the head with a bottle of Concentrated Omega-3 capsules this morning.
I'm okay though.....it was just a super fish oil wound.
π︎ 32
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︎ Apr 26 2021
Help me come up with puns which include the name Todd
π︎ 4
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︎ Apr 07 2021
My 6 year old daughter was listening to music with me and came up with this one: What is a bananas favorite Tom Petty song?
You Dont Know How It Peels
π︎ 252
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︎ Apr 02 2021
Dead Oar Alive, You're Coming With Me
π︎ 79
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︎ Mar 27 2021
My son has recently taken up an interest in music. We're constantly going back and forth trying to stump the other with trivia. He thought he had me when he chorused, "Hey, dad, what genre are national anthems?!" I laughed, "That's easy!"
π︎ 587
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︎ Mar 28 2021
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
π︎ 481
π
︎ Mar 14 2021
this pun fills me with gelt
π︎ 15
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︎ Mar 29 2021
My friend says to me, βWhat rhymes with orange?β
I told him, βNo it doesnβt!β
π︎ 126
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︎ Mar 14 2021
Our doorbell rang and my son called to me, "Dad, there's a salesman here with a mustache!" I yelled back...
"Tell him I've already got one!"
π︎ 186
π
︎ Mar 20 2021
A girl with three cats told me that she wanted to get another cat
I was confused why she wanted a hat made of forks
π︎ 9
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︎ Apr 18 2021
I used to be a judge for the world orchestra championships, but I quit because too many of them were coming out with outlandish sob stories to win me over...
Always trying to get the symphony vote.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Apr 17 2021
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
π︎ 10k
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︎ Dec 28 2020
Outdad my dad with this one. He messaged me today that our dog ate a packet of corn chips. I replied..
...Soon we are going to have poop corn.
And added that we might have a cereal killer living in our house.
π︎ 2
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︎ Apr 26 2021
I was out by the street trying to hitchhike but every single car I stuck my thumb out for just passed me by. I began to wonder if it had something to do with the cargo shorts I was wearing.
So I went home and put on some carstop shorts, and had much better success at hitchhiking after that.
π︎ 82
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︎ Apr 20 2021
I love the phrase "Bear with me."
It could mean "please be patient" or the "heist at the zoo" was successful.
π︎ 7
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︎ Apr 19 2021
My mates got cross with me for going on and on about how fun it is to drive stick. They suggested changing the subject.
I told them that I would shift as best I could...
π︎ 2
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︎ Apr 15 2021
After she cancelled several dates with me, I told my crush she should start dating wheelchair-bound menβ¦
because sheβs really good at standing guys up.
π︎ 19
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︎ Apr 20 2021
My teacher asked me to make a sentence with the word defence, defeat and detail
When a horse jumps over defence defeat go first the detail
π︎ 7
π
︎ Mar 23 2021
Next time I'm on a roller coaster, I'm bringing some nuts and bolts with me.
When nearly on the top, scream with a panic voice at the guy infront, "LOOK BRO, THESE FELL OUT OF YOUR SEAT."
π︎ 10
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︎ Apr 18 2021
T-Rex: Look, honey... I think you should come to New York with me.
I canβt see you if you donβt move.
π︎ 11
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︎ Apr 16 2021
I have a picture with me standing and solar panels in the background. Please suggest something punny.
π︎ 2
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︎ Mar 26 2021
My wife beamed at me with pride and said "Wow, I never thought our son would go that far!"
I said, "This trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter."
π︎ 27
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︎ Mar 18 2021
My wife came home with a big bunch of flowers and says where would you like me to plant them.
I said I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips.
π︎ 3
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︎ Apr 22 2021
I have started carrying a piece of stone with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
Itβs my jingle bell rock.
π︎ 17k
π
︎ Oct 17 2020
A man with a guitar walked up to me and said that he had a case of writers block.
π︎ 5
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︎ Apr 07 2021
I hired a gardener because my wife said she would have sex with me after I got the yard work done.
Everything was going great until I went to pay him and he said βyour wife already took care of it.β
π︎ 4
π
︎ Apr 07 2021
My wife screamed at me, "You're obsessed with those Star Wars movies. I've had enough. I'm leaving you."
"May divorce be with you!!" I replied.
π︎ 13
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︎ Mar 22 2021
My 5 year old got me with this one:
5yo: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: Why?
5yo: To get to the dummy's house.
Me:...
5yo:...
Me:...
5yo: Knock Knock.
Me: Who's there?
5yo: The chicken.
π︎ 485
π
︎ Jan 20 2021
My wife has just left me because of my obsession with football...
Shame really, we've only been married for 2 seasons.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Mar 27 2021
When I met my childhood bully last Friday, I was happy to learn he had double vision, because he always bullied me with my glasses. But then...
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 13 2021
A man threatend me with milk, chocolate and cheese
π︎ 8
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︎ Apr 07 2021
Can anybody give me some advice to help me removing ice from my windshield? I just tried with a discount card I had In my pocket
π︎ 574
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︎ Jan 15 2021
Bear with me, dog!
π︎ 21
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︎ Mar 04 2021
My mate told me he is in love with two school bags
π︎ 4
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︎ Apr 11 2021
My dad saw an ad for game with heavily armed animals. He asked me what they gave the naked mole rats.
I told him stealth gear and a go bag. He is an exposed double agent.
π︎ 3
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︎ Apr 06 2021
Someone once asked me if I was 'getting jiggy with it'.
I furiously shook my head and said "Nah... nah... nah nah nah.. nah-nah-nah. Nah nah.. nah nah-nah nah."
π︎ 5
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︎ Apr 01 2021
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with metaphors...
Came straight out of the blue. Took the wind right out of my sails.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Mar 07 2021
When my wife found me playing with my sonβs train set, I was so embarrassed that I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Jan 17 2021
Was in a bar when this guy said to me, βIβm going to attack you with the neck of a guitar!β I shot back...
π︎ 114
π
︎ Mar 29 2021
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