I used to be a judge for the world orchestra championships, but I quit because too many of them were coming out with outlandish sob stories to win me over...
Always trying to get the symphony vote.
π︎ 11
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︎ Apr 17 2021
Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
π︎ 10k
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︎ Dec 28 2020
My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side...
π︎ 4
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︎ Feb 04 2021
A girl on Tinder told me she wanted to be friends with benefits.
But I don't have health insurance or a retirement plan so I told her I couldn't.
π︎ 7
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︎ Dec 07 2020
I was talking to my friend and he asked me, βAs a young boy was your mom strict with you?β I told him, βTo be honest,...
β...my mother was never a young boy.β
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︎ Jul 30 2020
My dad told me that when he dies, he wants his ashes to be made into fireworks so he can go out with a bang.
π︎ 216
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︎ Jul 05 2020
The doctor told me I probably wonβt be able to walk again after getting into an accident with a newspaper delivery truck.
I was crushed by the news.
π︎ 93
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︎ Jul 01 2020
Iβm a delivery driver that delivers bread products, whilst on my round today a gentleman dropped this on me.....βlooks like you have the best jobβ he says, βwhy is that?β I ask, because you must be loaded with dough!!!
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︎ Aug 06 2020
Are you kidding with me? You canβt honestly be this bad at tug of wars.
π︎ 3
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︎ Sep 12 2020
I went out hiking with a friend once but was drastically unprepared, I was shivering. He said to me, you must be a dwarf from South America
Because you're looking a little chilly
π︎ 4
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︎ Jul 21 2020
What starts with me, ends with me, and though often makes people laugh, will be the downfall of society?
π︎ 13
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︎ Apr 02 2020
While my kids were colouring with markers I fell asleep on the couch. The little buggers thought it would be funny to draw all over my face to make me look like "the devil". I woke up and went to the grocery store to do our weekly shopping & didn't realise what had happened until I got home.
π︎ 4
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︎ Apr 01 2020
A genie granted me one wish. I wanted to be rich, but didn't want to deal with the IRS and decided I wanted wealth as I needed it. So I wished for the touch of Midas.
After that, everything I touched turned into a muffler.
π︎ 2
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︎ Apr 17 2020
Before my operation, my doctor gave me the option to be knocked out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
π︎ 50
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︎ Jun 04 2019
At the slaughterhouse, the cows were beginning to form bonds with me before I led them to be murdered...
I guess Stockyard Syndrome is real!
π︎ 8
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︎ Nov 21 2019
So I was passing by a cemetery with my dad today, and he turns to me and goes, "You know, people living in Denver can't be buried there" and I look at him and ask him "Why?"
He looks at me and says "Because they aren't dead yet".
π︎ 47
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︎ Jul 02 2019
My boss is making me dig through a stack of hay bare-handed to look for anything that shouldnβt be there. I suspect he dropped his wedding ring while having an affair with the new girl he hired in the pile and now he is desperate to hide the evidence from his wife who might be on to him.
But Iβm just grasping at straws here.
π︎ 26
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︎ Mar 09 2019
My best friend keeps telling me to βcheer up man. It could be a lot worse, you could be stuck in an underground hole filled with waterβ
π︎ 60
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︎ Jun 10 2019
Her: what took you long? Me: you dont say. I just had a chat with our son bout how he should be wearing a proper underwear instead of diapers,
It was just a brief discussion.
π︎ 3
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︎ Nov 14 2019
Does anyone want to be friends with me?
π︎ 2
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︎ Nov 12 2019
I will be flying for the first time so I looked up different airlines. Can anyone tell me if I should go with this airline?
π︎ 5
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︎ Sep 07 2018
Me: "Be good with oral hygiene. Buying new teeth is really expensive."
π︎ 3
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︎ Aug 04 2019
Lots of my people seem to be flirting with me since it became 2019.
I had eight texts this morning saying 'Hello HNY!'
π︎ 6
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︎ Jan 01 2019
I found this small stick with one end coated with a material that can be ignited by frictional heat. It made me feel loved, wholesome and beautiful.
Like a match made in heaven.
π︎ 9
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︎ Apr 06 2019
My brother hit me with this after I questioned if he should be day drinking on a Wednesday.
"Don't worry, boss said it was ok"
He owns his own business.
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︎ Feb 27 2015
My Dad used to hit me with this one every chance he got. As a soon to be father, I cant wait to drive my own son nuts with this gold nugget.
on any unexpected car ride
Me: "Dad, where are we going?"
Dad: "Crazy. Want to come along?" looks over and laughs manically.
Me: "UUUUGGGGHHH
π︎ 26
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︎ Mar 28 2017
Sitting in a office with no physical windows, my mate says to me βIt would be great to have some windows in this officeβ
I said, βWe already have Windows here in the office as I point to my computer screenβ
π︎ 3
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︎ Jan 03 2019
My wife stared icily at me and grumbled, βWhy does everything have to be a game with you?!β
I shouted, βAn excellent question, my dear! But next time, please use the buzzer!β
π︎ 24
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︎ May 10 2018
Wife told me βTonight, youβll be able to see Uranus with the naked eyeβ
I replied that all I need is a mirror...
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︎ Oct 20 2017
Son, your daddy's going to be home soon. The prison ran out of metal furniture so they assigned me to a cell with with an inflatable bed.
It's an air-rested development.
Love, Dad
π︎ 5
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︎ Jul 30 2018
One time, this mobster told me that I'd be sleeping with the fishes.
I didn't realize it was a threat. I thought he meant I would take part in a mermaid orgy.
π︎ 3
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︎ Apr 15 2017
So my friend, dad of 3, always sends me jokes. But he's not giving me the answer to this one. I figured the dad community might be able to help me with this one.
A man is trapped in a cylindrical room, 8 feet in diameter, 10 feet high and no ceiling. He's out in the middle of Arabian desert where no one can hear him...how does he escape?
π︎ 3
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︎ Jul 30 2016
So I had just finished my Data Visualisation assignment on Microsoft Excel when suddenly it crashed. I nearly shit me cacks when I realised I forgot to save it. Thanks be to jaysus the program restarted with my graph intact...
... Lads, I almost lost the plot.
π︎ 6
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︎ Oct 25 2017
Got my friend with this a while ago and posted on r/Jokes, but I think it would be better appreciated here. So this friend really likes lifting, so when told me he ran out of protein powder I was surprised and said...
π︎ 7
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︎ Mar 17 2016
I've been called cheesy, corny & a chicken. If someone calls me "mash potatoes with gravy" I can be a KFC Famous Bowl. #lifegoals
π︎ 3
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︎ Mar 28 2017
My wife told me to be more in touch with with my feminine side....
π︎ 4
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︎ Jan 17 2021
My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side
π︎ 14
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︎ Oct 26 2020
My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side
So I crashed the car and didn't talk to her all day for no reason.
π︎ 6
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︎ Aug 16 2020
My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side
π︎ 5
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︎ Aug 09 2020
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