We should raise insurance rates on drivers who have never crashed their cars.

They're driving wrecklessly.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/arrenlex
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 21 2018
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Cop pulled me over and said โ€œPapersโ€

I yelled โ€œScissorsโ€ and drove off

๐Ÿ‘︎ 53
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Subhi-Ak
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 29 2022
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
What kind of nut is most likely to graduate?

An academia nut

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/chad-beer-316
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 28 2022
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why do we test seat belts with crash test dummies ?

Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/dadjokeretailer
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 26 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A man obsessed with trains finally steals one

and immediately crashes it, killing several people.

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, heโ€™s offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him.

The next day, heโ€™s led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing happens.

Thereโ€™s never been a failure before. But because you cannot punish a person twice for the same crime, the court is forced to let him go free.

Within a weekโ€™s time, naturally, the man, who is obsessed with trains, goes and steals another one.

He doesnโ€™t care that he canโ€™t drive it or that he failed catastrophically before; he is obsessed with trains and his only desire is to operate one. As before, he crashes it, and kills several people.

Again, he stands trial, and again, he is sentenced to death, showing no remorse, only delight that he got to operate the train.

His last meal request is a single banana. When he goes to the chair, the executioner pulls the switch, but nothing happens. He goes free again.

The train-obsessed maniac, once more on the loose, wastes no time in hijacking a train and crashing it.

His trial is speedy, because this has already happened twice, and he is sentenced to death.

They ask him what heโ€™d like for his last meal. โ€œA single banana,โ€ he says.

โ€œOh, no you donโ€™t, you son of a bitch. Weโ€™re on to you, now. We know all about your little banana trick, and youโ€™re not escaping this time!โ€

The guards refuse his request, and instead serve him a standard last meal of steak, potatoes, and berry cobbler.

The next morning they strap him into the electric chair, pull the switch, and... nothing happens.

โ€œDid you give him the banana?โ€ demands the head guard.

โ€œNo, sir! He asked for the banana but we didnโ€™t give it to him, we swear!โ€ says one of the guards.

Turns out the banana had nothing to do with anything. He was just a really bad conductor.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Soylent_Milk2021
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 08 2021
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Every time we hear a crash at a restaurant because somebody dropped something...

"Job Opening!!" every. single. time. no matter the business. those within earshot smirk.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 28
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/acollins144
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 07 2013
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Dad dropped this one on us yesterday when we were watching a video clip of someone crashing his race car.

Presenter: "The driver sustained no permanent injuries."
Dad: "Because he died?"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/S1nth0raS
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 16 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A man was driving down the road when his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before.

The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night; he tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk.โ€ The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks." In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive; his life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 58
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/QualityProof
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 02 2021
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A Rabbi. The President. A Boy Scout and The worlds smartest Woman

โ€ฆ Weโ€™re in a plane over the mountains when the pilot came over the intercom and said. โ€œLadies and gentlemen. I have some bad news. We are having a major mechanical issue. The plane is going down and thereโ€™s nowhere to land before it crashes. And more bad news. We only have three parachutes. Since Iโ€™m the pilot I feel I should go down with the planeโ€ The President jumps up and says. โ€œIโ€™m the President. I must surviveโ€. So he grabs a parachute and jumps out. The lady jumps up saying. โ€œIโ€™m the worlds smartest woman, I must surviveโ€. She grabs a bag and jumps.
The Rabbi tells the scout. โ€œ Son, Iโ€™ve had a long and satisfying life. I give you the last parachute so you can do some good in this worldโ€. The Scout says โ€œ Rabbi. Donโ€™t worry about it, The nice Blonde lady jumped out with my backpackโ€.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/B1azfasnobch
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 21 2021
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My niece and I were watching clouds from our apartment

She was having a great time spotting shapes. "That looks like a rabbit! And that looks like a dolphin!"

Wanting to be part of the fun I pointed at one and said, "That looks like the letter 'i' in the English alphabet!" She rolled her eyes at me in distaste.

Soon, it started raining heavily. So heavy was the rain, that we heard a loud creak in the house, followed by the sound of a window crashing on the pavement below.

Not giving up, I said, "Looks like windows... does not support the i Cloud."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/johnnyoni
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 19 2021
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
I finally got to cash in on a joke today that Iโ€™ve been looking for a reason to use for years

Background: My family was at the lake today. The lake was a little choppy today so when we went on the boat we hit one really big wave where the front end of the boat came crashing down hard. My nephew (7) just happened to be sitting on a cup holder and it hurt his butt when we landed.

We got back to the house and my nephew said...

Nephew: my butt hurts. I think its broken.

Me: did I ever tell you about the time I broke my butt?

Nephew: no. Is it still broken?

Me: yeah. Thereโ€™s a big crack in it still.

He didnโ€™t get it. But all the other adults laughed/rolled their eyes. Stupid joke I know, but I donโ€™t care.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/LostPin
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 31 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
A horse is sitting at home watching MTV

A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.

"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."

Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.

Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.

One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"

The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success.

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/GreatDekuTree3
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 16 2019
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*knock knock* "Who's there?"

"Pun-patrol! You s-pun around on your chair way beyond government regulations!"

"I can't help it! I'm pun-sexual!"

"Sir, o-pun the door or we will have to use force!"

"Stay back! I have a hostage! I don't care if my crimes will ever get ex-pun-ged!"

"Lay down your wea-pun! Face your pun-ishment!"

"Sir, I just arrived and can confirm, he has a Pun-da!"

"Thank god for your pun-ctuality! This changes everything! Now go and pun-ch down the door!"

crashing noises

"Sir! We have fumes! God, what is this pun-gent smell??"

"Ahaha, you ran into my trap! Now die, Pun-k!"

"AAAAAAAAAAH!"

silence

"No time for com-pun-ction. Come, S-pun-ky, we need to leave. Let's head for Pun-ama."

EDIT: formatting.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/D0tBlue
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
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Is it windy?

We were driving driving on the highway earlier today to go hiking. My girlfriend asked if I thought it would be windy so I rolled down the window and stuck my hand out then yelled over the passing wind โ€œYeah I think I think itโ€™s a little windy.โ€ She threatened to crash the car

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Gusta457
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
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My son had a dream last night.

He dreamed that his teacher died in a car crash and came to us in a panic worried and telling us to warn her. My wife and I told him that it was just a dream and to go back to bed. The next day he came home crying because his teacher never made it to work and died in a car crash. We were worried but explained to him it must have been a coincidence.

A few weeks later he rushed into our room again crying saying he saw daddy die in a dream but didnt remember how. My wife calmed him down but now I was seriously worried. The next day I went to work in a constant panic. The drive there, all day throughout work scared if something would happen. All day nothing.

I finally got home and came to the door to see my wife. I told her I had the worst day of my life. She turned to me and said,"you think you had an awful day? This morning after you left for work the mailman died on our doorstep!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MaezRunner097
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 02 2019
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Why do you not have brakes?

Today as I was locking my bike to the bike rack, I saw another biker approaching the bike rack at a high speed. Instead of using his brakes to slow down he was using his shoes to slow down. It looked scary at first because it looked like he was going to crash into the rack. When he finally stopped, we had this exchange:

Me: "Do you not have brakes, or something?"

Him: "No, and I haven't used brakes in months now"

Me: "Why? Did they ... break?" followed by this gesture (โ˜ž๏พŸใƒฎ๏พŸ)โ˜ž

He didn't even look at me and just walked away.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 74
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FrameWork0
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 27 2015
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My dadโ€™s version of โ€œThe Night Before Christmasโ€

A Christmas Poem
by Dad (1952โ€“2009)

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the shack,
Not a creature was stirring, we was all in the sack;

Our mugs were placed on the mantle with cheer,
In hope that Saint Nick would bring us a beer;

And me I was tucked up all snug in my bed,
But strains of sweet music still danced through my head;

So I sprang from my bed with a crash and a clatter,
And off down the hall with bare feet did I patter;

There on the chair sat my musical pipe,
So I sat down to play without fanfare or hype;

Come Mozart, come Hayden, Stravinski and Strauss,
And write me some music to bring down the house;

When down from the chimney appeared with a crash,
A strange little man in the smoke and the ash;

He wiggled and jumped and got up like a shot,
Came over and said, "Man those cinders are hot!";

His stomach it shook like a bowl full of jelly,
For a moment I thought it was dear old aunt Nelly;

His nose like a cherry, his ears like two jugs,
I was worried that this guy just might be on drugs;

His language was foul, his jokes they were crass,
So I opened the door and threw him out on his ass;

But then as I turned, boy was I ever surprised;
I saw what he'd bought me, or so I surmised;

For there in the corner right under the tree,
Was some brand new sheet music and a case of O.V.;

I turned to say thank-you but found he had gone,
He was not in the garden and not on the lawn;

And just when I thought that he couldn't get far,
I realized the old goat had stolen the car;

Off in the distance he said with a wheeze,
"I hated to do it but you left me the keys!";

I smiled and laughed for this much I could savour,
For I'd just sold the car to my idiot neighbour;

And once more he called as he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and don't drive when you're tight!"

Thank you for everything, Dad. We love and miss you.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 16
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CannonBall7
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 25 2016
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Always time for a Dad Joke

Just a few weeks ago I was on a camping trip with my friends and we were staying in a friends cabin out on their private property. During the day when there wasn't much to do it was fun to get on a few ATV's we had and drive around. Through no fault of my own, I incidentally couldn't make a turn and crashed through a barb wire fence and sliced open my Neck, during the time I was being prepared for a helicopter ride to a Hospital rather far away I poked up from the stretcher while my friends watched and stated: "With all this Adrenaline and this IV, I guess you could say I'm feeling pretty 'wired'. " It was the proudest moment of my trip.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/JKtoday
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 24 2015
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Dad's encounter with cat

My dad was a carpenter and would start to tell me a story in such an honest way I thought for sure he was serious;

"Ya know, this one time we were building this house, and this damn cat kept coming in and bothering us all day. So my buddy Jimmy put some gas in a cap and the cat drank the whole thing... Suddenly, it jumped up and ripped all over the room bouncing off walls and crashing into everything. Then, it just fell over....."

waits for you to say

"Did it die?"

"Nope. Ran outta gas."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 48
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Mofo34
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 12 2015
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After finishing Christmas dinner

My daughter is now eating the left over gravy from the jug with a spoon. Mrs points out how much she's eaten, to which I replied... "If we were to crash on the way over to granddads later and she needed a blood transfusion, they'd need to use type Beeef Positive!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/helin0x
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 25 2016
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oldest guy in class got us with this one

So what I think is the youngest person in class was showing a video on his phone of Mercedes new 'ESP' technology, which led the conversation into what causes most car crashes, to which most contributed a lack of attention because of doing the same thing over and over. We noted how sometimes one can arrive home without remembering anything about the drive, and how many of us have really specific habits. One guy said an obvious, "I even get out the exact same way each time."

To which older pilot guy quips, "To the left?"

Laughs were had.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Aerik
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 09 2014
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Road Rage

Iยดm not really sure if this fits here, but itยดs a hilarious story.

A Year ago my Father, mother, brother and me were driving to lunch(or breakfast), when we came to an intersection. This intersection has seen alot of accidents over the years, because people donยดt give a fuck and just turn in. Long story short: A guy almost crashes his van into our car. It all went really fast. My dad shouted, hit the brakes and with a screeching sound we halted. The van just drove on and was before us. My dad muttered something like: "Thatยดs it!" and overtook the van. He stopped infron of said van and got out.(Sidenote: We are all tall in my family. my little brother is a little over 2 meters and is really buff. Iยดm just 2 meters tall and my dad is a little smaller than me. My mum is the smallest of the bunch with just 1,86 or so) So my dad gets out of the car and starts shouting at the guy in the van. My father is a real pacifist and hates violence of any form, so we all were really shocked. I look over to my brother and say:"We gotta hold him back heยดs gonna rip that guys head off!". So we both got out and the guy starts trembling behind his steering wheel, when suddenly a giant stands infront of his car shouting and hitting and kicking the air, while 2 larger giants hold him back (barely though) and try to sooth him. My mother gets out goes over to the guys windows points him to let it down and say:"Youยดre lucky my sons are with us, otherwise we wouldnยดt be having this conversation." She goes back to my father tells him to cool down and we all get back in the car. The guy in the van looks frozen at us and doesnt move a muscle. Remeber we are still on the street holding up the entire intersection, so cars start honking. Itยดs then i hear my dad laughing and saying:" You didnยดt think i was gonna do anything did ya?" We didnยดt spoke to him for the rest of the ride, but later at lunch(or breakfast) we all laughed about it.

TL;DR: 3 Giants teach a man not to speed.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/GnakFlak
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 24 2014
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
My Dad's, Dad joke.

(We are from Montana.)

Montana and North Dakota are in the middle of a war. The NDs have amassed a huge army and are about to march over a hill to invade MT. The commander of the ND army decides to send out a couple of scouts to see if the way is clear. Almost immediately after the two scouts disappear over the top of the hill, loud crashing and rumbling sounds come from the direction they went. After waiting until they are overdue for return, the commander decides to send a squad over to check out what happened. As they pass out of sight, a loud raucous was again heard from the other side of the hill. The commander becomes concerned and decides not to wait for them to return. He sends an entire platoon over the hill, telling them to take out any resistance they meet and return with any survivors. Once again, as the men disappear over the hill, the terrible sounds of war rush over the entire army and then slowly die down until nothing could be heard but the beating of the commanders heart. A proud man, never before defeated in battle, he decides to lead the entire army over the hill himself to destroy the opposition once and for all, but as they begin to march they see a single, mangled, ND soldier pulling himself up over the top of the hill by the only functioning limb of his body. Beaten, bloody and near death, he manages, with help, to make it to the commander and says; "Sir... (cough) Don't go... (spit, cough) It's a trap..."

And in the surprise induced silence he says;

"There's TWO of 'em."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/error-div_by_zero
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 13 2013
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Every time we hear a crash at a restaurant because somebody dropped something...

"Fire the juggler!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 56
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Lavaswimmer
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 06 2013
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
The Sound of Monks

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."The man sa,ys, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks."In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the kno

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/nemofish3
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 28 2017
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

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