We the Kings Puns

After all, queenliness is next to godliness.

He’s always liong.

It kind of defeats the porpoise, though.

Link to the LA Weekly article.

We start talking about Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

"He must be a king." "How do you know?" "He 'asn't got shit all over 'im."

Dad says "CSI:Medieval!"

He laughed at his own joke so hard I thought he was going to hurt himself.

Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.

But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."

It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.

You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.

In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.

This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un

TIL that the famous ancient Egyptian boy king also had club feet.

So I guess we have that in Tutankhamen

This year Was a symphony! We had aunts, and two grandmas join in for a seriously epic camel disaster for the kids to discover tomorrow. Feeling proud of my dad skills.

Photos here:

https://imgur.com/gallery/b8sILu3

Edit: the oldest is 5. We celebrated a day early so their aunt could be here. The real 3 kings day is tomorrow. Don’t tell the wise men!

Hey Have mother in laws 50th birthday coming up. We are getting T-Shirts made up and we want to have T-Shirts made up for the guests and one made up for the mother in law. Her name is Jo King.

We are having thoughts on

She is turning 50? You gotta be JoKing for the guest T-Shirt

I’m Jo King and I’m turning 50 for the mother in law shirt.

Any better ideas then this?

You are under my toot-elage. (Or: I am your toot-or.)

Bonus joke: If we fart together in the Valley of the Kings, we have a toot-in-common (Tutankhamun).

Whenever the Alice in Chains song King of the Kats comes on I tell my son that I'm the king of the cats. It drives him crazy. He's made it his personal mission to tell me I'm not the king of the cats and preempts me with a "Dad, you're not the king of the cats!" Whenever it comes on. This has been going on a couple of months.

Fast forward to present day. We're driving and the infamous song gets shuffled on.

He says, "You're not the king of the cats."

I reply, "Then why does every cat we meet call me your majesty?"

He drops this gem, "They don't say that, and if they did, they'd say your meowjesty."

I couldn't be more proud.

I'm trying to get my daughter into Lord of the Rings. I'm watching Return of the King. I thought she'd think the Eye of Sauron would be cool. We watch the scene where Aragorn cuts the head off of the Mouth of Sauron. Without missing a beat she turns to me and says:

"What's next? The nose of Sauron?

My dad is the king of dadjokes, especially in public. His specialty is bantering with waitresses. The other day we were finishing dinner at a restaurant, and dad still had quite a bit of food on his plate. The waitress came up and said, "Do you wanna box?" to which he replied, "No, but we could wrestle a few rounds." :)

My wife and I own a king size bed. My wife, my two children (a 5 year old boy and 8 month old boy) were playing on the bed.

Me: Lucky we have a king size bed. Can you imagine all of us on a twin? My wife: I know right. Me: I imagine his brother would be angry and tell us to get off his twin.

I recently purchased a new bed and had the joy of trying to find all the necessary accessories for a California King bed. After spending a full Sunday with my girlfriend bouncing around different home stores, we finally have all the sheets, duvet covers and bed skirts we need. We've assembled our new frame and I start putting the bedding on our mattress. I'm struggling with getting everything put on and call out, "uh oh, I think we got some phony pillow cases."

Fear and anxiety paint her face as she rushes over and asks "what's wrong?!"

I quip back at her, "yeah, this thing is a sham!"

Way back when I was a kid, for my school's Renaissance Faire-esque fundraiser, I went around wearing a sign that read "Vilage Idiot". When guests asked why, I'd reply, "I wasn't always the village idiot...

• “I used to be a tailor... but it didn't quite suit me... It was only a so-so job.”
• “I once was a lumberjack... but I couldn't hack it... so they gave me the axe.”
• “I was a fisherman too... I just couldn't live off my net income.”
• “I thought about being a witch for a spell.”
• “I tried being a chef... but I just didn't have enough thyme for it.”
• “I was a musician once... but I didn't accomplish anything noteworthy.”
• “For awhile I was a doctor... but I didn't have the patience to keep it up.”
• “I once was a accountant... but I lost interest. The job was too taxing.”
• “I tried moonlighting as a nun... but I confess, they didn't like my altar ego... or my bad habits.”
• “More recently, I was a baker... but I couldn't make enough dough at it... Guess I wasn't bred for the job.”
• “Heck, I was even king for a day... but I didn't have any crowning achievements.”

...And so now, here I am: village idiot, just like my father was. Ah... my father, he was the best village idiot we ever had. It's hard living in his shadow sometimes. You see, my father was a complete idiot! ...I'm just a half-wit.”

King: how many volunteers do we have for the army?

Squire: 384 my liege

King: ok, round them up

Squire: 400 my liege

Once upon a time in China there was a King with the most beautiful daughter in all of China. Three suitors came up to the king and asked him "what do we need to do to win the hand of your daughter". The king said whoever brings me the most ping pong balls can marry my daughter.

Suitor #1 comes back with 1,000 ping pong balls

Suitor #2 comes back with 2,000 ping pong balls

Suitor #3 comes back visibly beat up and when the king asked him where are your ping pong balls. Suitor #3 said PING PONG BALLS! I thought you said KING KONG BALLS!!

Dad and I are watching a show about the Iceman.

We start talking about mummification and King Tut. I mention to him about the recent damage to the sarcophagus' beard.

He says, "Well that Sphinx."

Well done dad. Well done.

Around the breakfast table we were discussing what kinds of things in nature are naturally blue.

Me: I think the blood of the horseshoe crab is blue.

Brother: What's a horseshoe crab?

Dad: You might know it as a king crab.

Me: No, that's another... ooooh.

And groans ensued.

My wife is reading a list of potential migraine triggers to me (we're trying to figure out what my triggers are; I'm a recent sufferer).

She asks me if I've ever taken an MAOI since, "They discovered that people who took them in the 50's have issues with tyramines [a known migraine trigger]."

I told her, "No, I've never taken one." She asks, "Are you sure?"

I say, "I'm sure, plus I wasn't alive in the 50's." rimshot

I look at my 11 y/o daughter and say, "Dad joke?"

She asks, "Did you say Dad joke or bad joke?"

I respond, "Isn't that the same thing?"

It's good to be king.

Every year on Christmas we'll have Nat King Cole playing through the house and eventually "The Christmas Song" comes on. Without fail, Dad belts...

"Chestnuts roasting on an open fire. Jack Frost nosing at your nips."

Every year.

I work at a zoo on weekends. We were feeding the King Vultures their meat diets today.

The female almost always gets her meat stolen by the male, so we have to keep the male away while she eats the meat off the exhibit floor.

The other keeper wondered aloud why the male would want her food when he has the same thing waiting on his perch. I said "He must prefer ground beef."

Thank you.

I was asked to help chauffeur a carload of youth around town for a Christmas caroling activity last night. One of the names on the list was Jack, who lost his wife earlier this year. Jack is in his early 90's, stands about 5'2, and is quite possibly the king of all dad jokes.

So, the group of about 25 kids and 5 adults sneak up to his doorstep and begin singing a few short Christmas carols. Eventually, he opens the door and is thrilled to have visitors.

After we are finished singing and the kids are all running back to the vehicles to get out of the 15 degree weather, jack steps out of his doorway and on to his porch. He is wearing a light t-shirt and pajama pants... he was setting us up, and we took the bait, hook, line, and sinker.

Woman: Are you freezing?

Jack: No, I'm not freezing, I'm Jack (pause for laughter)

Jack: but if you hang on for just a minute, I can get freezing for you.

and then he just stood there smiling at us. It was precious. Come to find out, Jack is entering a retirement home in a few days because he is getting to the point that it is hard to take care of himself anymore.

Oh boy, those nurses are in for a treat once Jack gets settled in.

I went on vacation in highschool with one of my good friends and his Dad and another friend, who is basically the coolest fucking guy you'll ever meet (We call him Cool Daddy Mike). Its not so much a dad joke, more just a fucked up joke my friend's Dad told me, but on our way down to Florida from Ohio, we stopped halfway there to stay in a hotel and finish the drive the next day. Since it was just 4 of us for 1 night we only got one room with 2 king sized beds. When we got to the room his dad looked at me and said "If you woke up one morning with a condom hanging out of your ass, would you tell anyone?" I of course said no I would not. He then said "Well alright looks like we are sharing a bed tonight" and points two finger guns at me. It may seem fucked up but if you knew his dad like we all did, you would have died laughing with us. (Just to clarify I did not get sexually assaulted in my sleep by my friend's dad)

So tonight my boyfriend, roommate and I are watching Wreck it Ralph with some friends. We're about a half an hour in and we are at the scene right before Venelope throws the medal into the funnel thing(?). King Candy is currently throwing candy to the audience members who are made out of candy.

Guy Friend: Wait. So. They're made out of candy, but King Candy is giving them candy to eat???

Boyfriend: Yeah. They're candybals.

Roommate and I dissolve into a fit of giggles.

First off the guy calling bread back for sandwiches yelled "I have two kids and I needed a King's Roll!"

So I yelled back "I can get you a King's, but what do your children have to do with anything?" Chuckles and groans all around.

Then when I was on register:

"What can I get for you today?"

"I just need a second."

"Sorry, we're fresh out."

She just stared at me, but my coworkers laughed.

A few years ago, my dad and I were building an addition onto his house. He rented a tool from the hardware store and had to return it, so he asked me to come with him and we would get some breakfast. There was a Burger King nearby, so we decided to stop there to eat.

When we go to the drive-through, we realize the restaurant was closed down, so he drove around the building to get back on the highway. As we were passing the dumpsters, he stopped the car, backed it up, and pointed towards the ground near the dumpster. I looked for a few seconds, trying to see what he was pointing at.

Then... I saw it.

It was a giant, 12+ inch black dildo, standing upright next to the dumpster. It propped itself up on its fake dildo balls, gently swaying in the breeze.

I was astonished. I couldn't even imagine what events in the universe had to line-up so as to end up with that giant dildo meticulously placed next to the dumpster at a closed-down Burger King. I couldn't even begin to fathom why it was there.

My dad, with perfect timing, then shouted "GAY TIMES WILL BE HAD TONIGHT!" and sped out of the parking lot.

We ended up going to Denny's.

My dad passed recently. He was the king of the silly sayings.

Was taking my grandson to go ice skating. We were running late and caught myself saying "We're off, like a herd of turtles!". Something my dad used to say ALL the time. Made me nostalgic...

So we were in the car going to King's Island to spend the day, and while we were on the highway, there was a semi and a horse trailer in front of us.

Me: Are those horses?

Him: No, those are trucks.

I have never sighed so hard in my life.