A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender asks, "Hey, what's with the paper towel?"
The pirate says, "Argh, I've got a Bounty on me head!"
An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "How about something to eat?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "What about some peanuts?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house...
The difference is staggering
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "You are in here a lot, do you think you have a drinking problem?"
The horse says, "I don't think so," then disappears into nothing.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. The classic philosophy put forward by René Descartes.
But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
A woman walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for a "Double Entendre".
Two atoms walk into a bar, one says to the other “Dang, I left my electrons in the car.” The other replies, “Are you sure?”
A man walks into the library and asks, "Do you have any books on poor eyesight."
"NO, We don't!!!" replies the barman.
When I was a kid, my parents used to make me walk the plank.
We couldn't afford a dog.
Grizzly bear walks into a bar. Says to the bartender "i'll have a whiskey..................on the rocks, please" bartender asks "whats with the big pause?"
Grizzly looks perplexed and replies "Ive had them all my life"
I saw a guy walk into a store and buy 5 smoke machines, so I called the cops.
He must be in some extreme mist group.
Remember the band that did that rock cover of “walk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles?
A nose walks into the pub....
The barman says, "I'm not serving you, you're off your face."
Why did the lion walk into the Chinese restaurant to get a haircut?
Because he wanted a low mane.
An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas
An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."
A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.
....
It was a shitzu.
EDIT: For those who say it's "stolen", i had no idea. A friend of mine told me this one yesterday and i just had to post it. That's it :)
A guy walks into a bar with a dog and the bartender says "No pets allowed!"
The guy says "This isn't a pet, he's my friend and he can talk."
The bartender is skeptical and demands the guy proves it.
The guy asks the dog "What's the opposite of 'soft'?" The dog replies "Rough!"
The bartender remains skeptical and asks for more proof.
The guy asks the dog "What do people put over the top of their house?" The dog replies "Roof!"
The bartender gets annoyed and gives the guy one more chance.
The guy asks the dog "Who is the greatest baseball player of all time? Babe......" The dog replies "Ruth!"
The bartender is fed up and throws them out. The dog says "Should I have said 'Lou Gehrig?'"
Freddie Mercury, Bruno Mars, and Venus Williams all walk into the same bar.
A horse walks into a bar and sits at a stool near the bartender. The bartender goes "Hi Horse, what can I get for you today?"
The horse looks at the bartender and says "Hey"
All the letters of the alphabet walk into a bar. Why does only one of them get a drink?
Because the bartender keeps saying, “Can I get U anything?”
Just got back from a walk looking at all the decorations.
Pisses me off how early people are putting their Christmas lights up.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
A man called Bart walks into a club and the man behind the bar shoots him.
He goes “ they don’t call me the Bartender for nothing”
A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey! We don't serve your kind here!"
The mushroom replies, "Why not?! I'm a fun guy!"
He then goes on to say "The name's Gus, and all my friends call me Fun Gus"
The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop and says...
Can you make me one with everything?
https://www.reddit.com/r/WatchPeopleDieInside/comments/kb2m9o/most_successful_joke_ever/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
Rope walks into the bar. Bartender says, Sorry we don’t serve ropes here. Rope walks out, messes himself up, ties himself in a knot, and walks back into the bar. Bartender asked if he’s a rope!
Rope replies I’m a frayed knot.
After many years of therapy, my psychologist has finally cured me of the desire to sit in the corner in public and blow on people that walk by! But now I have the urge to wear teen idol t-shirts and lean against the wall...
Long time fan, first time poster.
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, “Get out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”
The rope replied, “No. I’m a frayed knot.”
Turkey walks into a bar. The bartender looks a little confused and asks "who are you?" Turkey replied "I'm a wild turkey." Bartender replied "oh we have a drink named after you!"
Turkey says "blulululu awesome, bring me a Kevin!"
A man walks into a restaurant and orders a hamburger. Upon receiving the burger, the man says to the burger, “Burger, can you help me with my urinary tract infection?”.
“No”, replies the burger, “but I can tell you you’re going to need an umbrella later.”
“Oh, sorry”, said the man, “I thought you were a meaty urologist”.
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship wheel on his junk. Bar tender asks, "what's with the wheel?"
Pirate replies, "Yar, been driving me nuts."
A man wearing a tie fastner walks into the bar.
The barman says, "We don't like your tie pin here. "
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around, eventually.
A pirate walks into a bar and the barman says "do you realise that you have a steering wheel down your pants"
The Pirate replies aaarrr it's driving me nuts
I am buzz Aldrin, second man to walk on the moon...
The past, present and future walk into a room.
A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling
Guy:"Whats this about?"
Bartender:"Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyones drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it?
Guy:"Nah, the steaks are too high."
My dad told me he met that famous actor on his walk in the woods.
Son: “I’m gonna take the dog for a walk”
Dad: “ok great. Collar. Leash.”
Son: “no dad. Call her sparky!”
So proud of my son for coming up with this on the spur of the moment!
A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter. “That’s one too many!” says the customer.
The clerk replies “It’s a freebie”
Two chemists walk into a bar. "I'll have H2O," says the first. "I'll have H2O, too," says the second.
The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.
My dad would walk me to the bathroom when I was scared to pee at night...
A man walks in to a bar. On the bar is a duck tap dancing on a biscuit tin.
He is amazed and wants to buy the duck.
The man refuses at first but eventually agreed.
As the man walks out of the bar the now owner of the duck shouts.
Excuse me how do i stop the duck tap dancing.
Simple says the man lift up the tin and blow out the candle......
Kenny Rodgers ended up in a wheelchair after an accident. While rolling down the side walk, he lost a wheel.
He sung: you picked a fine time to leave me, loose wheel.
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?”
An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
"How about something to eat?"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
"What about some peanuts?"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"
The anteater replies, "I was born with it!"
A German guy walks into a bar and asks for a Martini. The barman asks "dry"?
The guy says "no, just the one"
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub, but a thirty-five minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
A guy walks into a zoo but the only thing in it is a dog
A hotdog walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender replies, "Sorry, we dont serve food here".
Bono and the Edge walk into a bar. The bartender says...
Oh no, not you two again.
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