A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender asks, "Hey, what's with the paper towel?"

The pirate says, "Argh, I've got a Bounty on me head!"

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cryingstlfan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
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An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "How about something to eat?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!" "What about some peanuts?" "Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
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It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house...

The difference is staggering

πŸ‘︎ 20k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wcslater
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
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A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "You are in here a lot, do you think you have a drinking problem?"

The horse says, "I don't think so," then disappears into nothing.

This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. The classic philosophy put forward by RenΓ© Descartes.

But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bearfeedmitch
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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A woman walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for a "Double Entendre".

So he gives it to her.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mano_Trueno
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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Two atoms walk into a bar, one says to the other β€œDang, I left my electrons in the car.” The other replies, β€œAre you sure?”

β€œYa, I’m positive.”

πŸ‘︎ 177
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LOLMrTeacherMan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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A man walks into the library and asks, "Do you have any books on poor eyesight."

"NO, We don't!!!" replies the barman.

πŸ‘︎ 101
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
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When I was a kid, my parents used to make me walk the plank.

We couldn't afford a dog.

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
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Grizzly bear walks into a bar. Says to the bartender "i'll have a whiskey..................on the rocks, please" bartender asks "whats with the big pause?"

Grizzly looks perplexed and replies "Ive had them all my life"

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Carr3iroh
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
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I saw a guy walk into a store and buy 5 smoke machines, so I called the cops.

He must be in some extreme mist group.

πŸ‘︎ 132
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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Remember the band that did that rock cover of β€œwalk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles?

Pharaohsmith.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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A nose walks into the pub....

The barman says, "I'm not serving you, you're off your face."

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
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Why did the lion walk into the Chinese restaurant to get a haircut?

Because he wanted a low mane.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CMoy1980
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas

An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Firegoat1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
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A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.

....

It was a shitzu.

EDIT: For those who say it's "stolen", i had no idea. A friend of mine told me this one yesterday and i just had to post it. That's it :)

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gomass4
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
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A guy walks into a bar with a dog and the bartender says "No pets allowed!"

The guy says "This isn't a pet, he's my friend and he can talk."

The bartender is skeptical and demands the guy proves it.

The guy asks the dog "What's the opposite of 'soft'?" The dog replies "Rough!"

The bartender remains skeptical and asks for more proof.

The guy asks the dog "What do people put over the top of their house?" The dog replies "Roof!"

The bartender gets annoyed and gives the guy one more chance.

The guy asks the dog "Who is the greatest baseball player of all time? Babe......" The dog replies "Ruth!"

The bartender is fed up and throws them out. The dog says "Should I have said 'Lou Gehrig?'"

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
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Freddie Mercury, Bruno Mars, and Venus Williams all walk into the same bar.

But they didn’t planet.

πŸ‘︎ 578
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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A horse walks into a bar and sits at a stool near the bartender. The bartender goes "Hi Horse, what can I get for you today?"

The horse looks at the bartender and says "Hey"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Altus-
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
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All the letters of the alphabet walk into a bar. Why does only one of them get a drink?

Because the bartender keeps saying, β€œCan I get U anything?”

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zjunkmale
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
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Just got back from a walk looking at all the decorations.

Pisses me off how early people are putting their Christmas lights up.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ValanLucasCircus
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
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Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.

Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vbloke
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
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A man called Bart walks into a club and the man behind the bar shoots him.

He goes β€œ they don’t call me the Bartender for nothing”

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bakedcake32
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey! We don't serve your kind here!"

The mushroom replies, "Why not?! I'm a fun guy!" He then goes on to say "The name's Gus, and all my friends call me Fun Gus"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WolvieBS
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop and says...

Can you make me one with everything?

https://www.reddit.com/r/WatchPeopleDieInside/comments/kb2m9o/most_successful_joke_ever/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ug61dec
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
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Rope walks into the bar. Bartender says, Sorry we don’t serve ropes here. Rope walks out, messes himself up, ties himself in a knot, and walks back into the bar. Bartender asked if he’s a rope!

Rope replies I’m a frayed knot.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FalseBlood8746
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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After many years of therapy, my psychologist has finally cured me of the desire to sit in the corner in public and blow on people that walk by! But now I have the urge to wear teen idol t-shirts and lean against the wall...

Long time fan, first time poster.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
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A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, β€œGet out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.

The bartender says, β€œHey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”

The rope replied, β€œNo. I’m a frayed knot.”

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
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Turkey walks into a bar. The bartender looks a little confused and asks "who are you?" Turkey replied "I'm a wild turkey." Bartender replied "oh we have a drink named after you!"

Turkey says "blulululu awesome, bring me a Kevin!"

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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A man walks into a restaurant and orders a hamburger. Upon receiving the burger, the man says to the burger, β€œBurger, can you help me with my urinary tract infection?”.

β€œNo”, replies the burger, β€œbut I can tell you you’re going to need an umbrella later.”

β€œOh, sorry”, said the man, β€œI thought you were a meaty urologist”.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CMoy1980
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
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A pirate walks into a bar with a ship wheel on his junk. Bar tender asks, "what's with the wheel?"

Pirate replies, "Yar, been driving me nuts."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bri_IsTheMeOne
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
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A man wearing a tie fastner walks into the bar.

The barman says, "We don't like your tie pin here. "

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
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I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.

He’ll come around, eventually.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MohanBhargava
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
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A pirate walks into a bar and the barman says "do you realise that you have a steering wheel down your pants"

The Pirate replies aaarrr it's driving me nuts

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrjaxson1111
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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I am buzz Aldrin, second man to walk on the moon...

Neil before me.

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IamGuha
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
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The past, present and future walk into a room.

It was tense

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
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A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling

Guy:"Whats this about?" Bartender:"Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyones drinks for the next hour. You wanna do it? Guy:"Nah, the steaks are too high."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
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My dad told me he met that famous actor on his walk in the woods.

Huge axeman

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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Son: β€œI’m gonna take the dog for a walk”

Dad: β€œok great. Collar. Leash.”

Son: β€œno dad. Call her sparky!”

So proud of my son for coming up with this on the spur of the moment!

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drgrd
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter. β€œThat’s one too many!” says the customer.

The clerk replies β€œIt’s a freebie”

πŸ‘︎ 23k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2020
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Two chemists walk into a bar. "I'll have H2O," says the first. "I'll have H2O, too," says the second.

The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NullVoidPointer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2020
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My dad would walk me to the bathroom when I was scared to pee at night...

That’s a number one dad

πŸ‘︎ 380
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
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A man walks in to a bar. On the bar is a duck tap dancing on a biscuit tin.

He is amazed and wants to buy the duck. The man refuses at first but eventually agreed. As the man walks out of the bar the now owner of the duck shouts. Excuse me how do i stop the duck tap dancing. Simple says the man lift up the tin and blow out the candle......

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
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Kenny Rodgers ended up in a wheelchair after an accident. While rolling down the side walk, he lost a wheel.

He sung: you picked a fine time to leave me, loose wheel.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DarkSideDweller
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says β€œWow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?”

β€œPop.” Goes the weasel.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/No_Hard_Feelings_
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
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An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?"

"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

"How about something to eat?"

"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

"What about some peanuts?"

"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"

Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"

The anteater replies, "I was born with it!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
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A German guy walks into a bar and asks for a Martini. The barman asks "dry"?

The guy says "no, just the one"

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub, but a thirty-five minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

πŸ‘︎ 126
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sisrael81
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy walks into a zoo but the only thing in it is a dog

It’s A Shitzu

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JakeR3b
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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A hotdog walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender replies, "Sorry, we dont serve food here".
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
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Bono and the Edge walk into a bar. The bartender says...

Oh no, not you two again.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Futureman16
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
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