In a battle of the numbers, evens were victorious

It was against all odds

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GaryTheKnight
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
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Who called it victory and not 5

Everyone except Romans

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sbbk100
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
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I recently overheard two chess enthusiasts in a hotel lobby. They were bragging about their previous victories

They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/knittingmonster
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2019
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A cannibal was walking through the jungle when he came to a clearing and saw a freshly killed elephant lying down with a pygmy standing on top of it, brandishing a big stick and doing a victory dance.

"Have you just killed that elephant?" asked the cannibal. "Yes," replied the pygmy, "I did it with my club." "Wow," replied the cannibal. "You must have a really big club!" "Yes, there are about forty of us!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scout816
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2019
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A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jpatil1982
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
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They cheated us and instead of played sweet victory at the halftime show they played sicko mode

We were used and tricked, it makes me sick

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MeMeSteR-3000
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2019
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My football teammate asked me, β€œOn a scale of 1-10, how do you rate our after-victory celebration?”

I gave him a high five.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2019
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What’re you laughing at?
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coadnamedalex
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2019
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Dad-joked my way to a Pub Quiz victory

Sorry to toot my own horn, but I really liked this.

The pub quiz guy was reading out the answers.

Him: "The answer to question 29 is Niki Lauda"

Me: "Niki what?"

Him: "Lauda"

Me: "NIKI WHAT?"

He gave us half a point for that joke. We won by a quarter of a point. Boom!

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elquiche
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2014
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I don't understand why Major Victory isn't a more popular hero.

Seems to me with a name like that he'd be a big win.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pyrrhios
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2017
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What kind of a victory dance did Trump do after winning the election??

Poll dance...

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2017
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Arabs were historically dominant...

They witnessed five victories Andalus

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2019
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Shoes wisely

My wife and I went shoe shopping this weekend. She was having trouble picking a pair so she held up two sneakers, "which one do you like?"

"I don't care. Be like Nike, shoes wisely."

(Athena Nike was the Greek goddess of wisdom in her aspect of victory that the shoe company used)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/prosperosmile
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2019
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What do you call chess nerds talking about their victories in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

My friend's Dad laid this on me. Thought it'd be perfect here!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bd33
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2014
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Five friends were sitting around, debating which Pixar movie is the greatest

After a few hours of debate, no one was willing to concede, and it was decided that a vote must be held. Unfortunately, with so few friends present, it was clear that they would need to bring the vote to the greater public. The group decided that each friend would make a plea to the subreddit of their choice, and whoever received the most karma for it would win.

Adam, already undecided himself, decided to go to /r/AskReddit. He laid out the agreement, and asked that everyone vote one their favorite movie, and the one with the most votes he would use for the his friends. Unfortunately, as the votes were split in that sub, his highest post amounted to a mere 38 points.

Paul, a big proponent for the Toy Story franchise, posted to /r/nostalgia in the hopes that everyone who grew up with Toy Story would agree. Unfortunately, as there had been two sequels (with a third on the way) it wasn't exactly considered "nostalgia" and he got downvoted into oblivion.

Bill, who loved Monsters Inc., made his case using some trickery. Going to /r/news, he found a seemingly unrelated post, and made a top-level comment describing, in great detail, why Monsters Inc. was the greatest film of all time. The fact that the post was so out of context made everyone flock to it, and drew enough attention to new him over a thousand fake internet points.

Mike, who loved the Incredibles movies, decided to stay in his wheelhouse. Over the course of several hours, he created each of the family members from the Incredibles in Soulcaliber VI. Finally, he photoshopped the family together, and posted it to /r/gaming. Under normal circumstances this would have skyrocketed to the top, but the format was stale, and thus only received 20k karma. Still, Mike was confident in his victory.

While the other four friends came up with plans on how to maximize their karma gains, Chris sat silently. For hours he sat, making no posts, coming up with no original content. Finally, an hour before the deadline, he broke into his neighbor's house, stealing his copy of the Pixar movie "Up". He took a picture of his theft and posted it directly to /r/dadjokes with the title "STOLEN".

When the group got together the next day to see who got the most votes, everyone was in awe. Chris's post had over 40,000 points. "How did you know that would win?" "Easy," Chris replied. "Everyone knows stolen content on /r/dadjokes gets all the Up votes."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
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So if North Korea succeeded in invading South Korea....

would that make it a Seoul crushing Victory?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EdwoodTheOwl
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
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My wife bet me I couldn’t make a good joke on this thread
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2019
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You know why losers always look down?

They're trying to find victory in da feet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JDDDouble
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2018
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Got the girlfriend again (with extra-groan for Easter relevance)

A couple of nights ago my girlfriend and I spotted a white jackrabbit in the field near our house. We noticed one again tonight on our drive home:

Girlfriend: Hey look, it's the Easter bunny.

Me: Huh, pretty sure that's the same jackrabbit from the other night.

Girlfriend: Can't be a jackrabbit, its ears are way too small.

Me: We're clearly just splitting hares here, babe.

It took a second, but she responded with the desired groan and the "you're an idiot" face push-away. Victory.

πŸ‘︎ 976
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HEHHHHHHHH
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2016
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So I'm one of them now

This just happened about an hour ago.

I was holding my infant son, and my wife asked me to hand her the Aquaphor. I said it is a shame we don't have a Dickphor. She just stared at me.

"I don't know what you are saying," she said flatly.

"A dickphor. You know, a dickphor."

"... no idea."

"Oh you know, a dickphor." At this point I'm laughing.

"Wha... I get that you are saying 'dick' instead of 'qua', but I don't understand what that means." She was laughing too by now.

"A dickphor! You've heard of a dickphor! A dickphor!" I figured if I said it enough, she would eventually give me the reply I now needed more than anything.

"... what is a dickph-" she realized in that moment that she had given me exactly what I was after. I could see in her face that she wanted to go back, to un-ask the question. But it was too late. I couldn't hold back long enough for her to even finish the sentence.

"PEEING!" I squealed triumphantly. Not since the Parthian capharacts defeated the calvary of Crassus at Carrhae has a victory tasted so sweet.

We both laughed long enough for our 8 month old son to realize that he was doomed to a life of dadjokes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/themeatbridge
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2013
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How did one hotdog win the race against the other hotdog?

He mustard enough energy to ketchup to his opponent. He really relished his victory.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cleopad1
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2017
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Got my son

We are eating at a steak house. My son asked why I haven't eaten the bread yet. I replied :"Because I would.fill up on bread and not have room for my steak. And that would be a mistake". Eyes rolled. I felt victorious

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kurlythemonkey
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2016
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I did it!

I have a 3 yr old but I'm not good at dad jokes yet. But just now I finally did one.

It's morning and I'm not wearing socks. Little one asks "Daddy how come you have bare feet?"

Me: "Well, it's better than having duck feet."

(Victory lap around the breakfast table)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/willzyx1980
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2015
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A Sexy Joke

During a night of passionate love making from a couple of German newlyweds, a group of sperm travel, all with the hope to be the one to fertilize the egg. A pair of sperm find themselves in a heated argument:

"I vill be the one who gets there first, after all, I am from the left testicle, we are known for our speed!" gloated the one sperm.

"Nein! It vill be I! I hail from the right testicle - known for its efficiency!" yelled the other.

"Well we lefties are known for our cunning, I will definitely out maneuver you!"

"The right vill be VICTORIOUS!" "Nein! the left vill be TRIUMPHANT!!!" "LEFT!" "RIGHT!" "LEFT!!!!!" "RIIIIGGGHHHTT!!!"

Finally fed up from the constant bickering, a sperm from the front of the load yells

"OH VAS DEFERENS DOES IT MAKE?!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EwThatsABoysName
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2014
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There's a kid sat on the floor under a table...

...in a lesson (I'm a teacher) and a kid at the front asks me:

"Sir, why is John on the floor?"

look over at John, lean in and put on my most helpful voice

"Oh, that's called gravity"

Walk away victorious.

(closure: he was getting something out of his bag)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gav989
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2015
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"No thanks, I don't like them"

My SO called me out recently because when we went to the vets with our kitten, the receptionist approached us in the waiting room with a bag of cat treats and said to my SO "Awww, would he like one?"

I replied "No thanks, I don't like them."

Receptionist awkwardly chuckled, SO tutted and I sat there basking in warmth of my dadjoke victory.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bell-91
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2016
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[Video] Really Bad Dad Jokes - First to Laugh Loses

A church made this video I found on facebook, thought you guys would enjoy it.

https://www.facebook.com/VictoryChurchOK/videos/1456063911098388/?hc_ref=ARSw0TvM55QPqGuSYWHEEPcqOI1OpCl8wpp22FLeuoI64pKGyPlu2NLSrbvqmbxs-EQ

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GunnerMcGrath
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2017
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The history books got it wrong ... AGAIN

New evidence as been found that in addition to trying to sway public opinion against Tesla's advocacy of alternating current, Edison went so far as to try to criminalize A/C through the courts by claiming public endangerment.

Sounds like he was close to winning, but his own hubris did him in. He tried to assure his victory by attempting to bribe the circuit court judge.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Myntrith
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2015
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Got everyone at the meeting today

Boss was pointing out the new dry erase boards in the conference room and asked what we thought of them.

Me: "They're pretty remarkable"

The simultaneous groan from everyone in the room made my victory that much sweeter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WajorMeasel
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2016
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Nicholson Dentistry

Wife and I are sitting at a red light, and I spot Nicholson Dentistry. Turn and say to wife, I wonder if they need some help with a slogan.. She bites, and I yell "You can't handle the tooth"! Her eyes roll. Victory.

I'll leave now..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StetsonBirdDude
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2015
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Taco Bell conversations are fun

The wife and I had her mother over whilst eating dinner, a la Taco Bell.

After trying some of our daughter's food, my wife insists that it is way spicier than she expected, and proceeds to tell my mother in law she has to try it - Saying "I think it's spicy nacho sauce."

After a moment or so, I piped up "I wouldn't know, it isn't my sauce." and put on my best I made a pun face.

MIL loses it, and my wife looks confused for a few seconds and goes to offer me a taste before the groaning ensued. Victory!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/V13Axel
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2016
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I'm turning into my dad

So yesterday at work my boss decided to bring a pumpkin and pecan pie into our office for everyone to share. As i'm handed my piece and start to dig in to this glorious, delicious pie I say "I Pe-can't believe how good this pie is!"

Everyone bowed their heads in shame but I raised mine in victory.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/foxttrot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2015
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The new Chinese athlete at the World Athletics Championships

Listening to the BBC coverage when the presenter said it was time to see Who Won What. I told my son and wife "Ah yes, the promising young Chinese athlete". The groaning is my victory!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mooders
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2015
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Scheduling a doctors appointment.

Grumpy Receptionist: which wrist is this for?

Me: my right wrist, not the wrong wrist.

We both hung up the phone giggling. I thought it was a victory considering how grumpy she was!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PicklePillz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2015
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Got my wife!

We were standing outside the car and talking and she goes "I'm hard of hearing", so being a dad I ask "what?" and she says "I'm hard of...shut up" and I dance a small dance of victory!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fezikon
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2015
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(LINK) Article about the World Pun Championships: We have found our king!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheTapedHamster
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2014
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Dadjoke at Sonic

So I was in Sonic last night, since I was in the mood for a shake, and I'm sure y'all know that when you're ready to order, you push a red button then wait for the person to take your order via speaker. Well, after a few minutes, a guy came to the speaker and said "welcome to Sonic, sorry for the wait" to which I responded by saying "Weight? What? I'm not fat" then I bursted out laughing while the attendant let out an audible groan. In my mind, I said "victory is mine!"

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jesusdo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2014
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Finally got my sister. As I grow older, I get funnier.

I was talking to my sister on the phone asking her how my nephew was and how she has been recently, etc.

Then she says, "So some guy called me yesterday..."

I interrupted her and asked, "But I thought your name was Brittany?"

Followed by brief silence and the groan that signifies victory.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/junppu
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2014
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The (Incorrect) History of the Mongolian Empire

During the height of the Mongolian Empire's reign, the warriors would celebrate their victories by dancing in a line behind their great emperor.

They called it a Khan-go line.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MasatoKyoto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2015
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dajoked my dad.

We found a scratch on my car, and I had no recollection of getting it. We drive by a pole right next to a terminal to input a code for the gate for our neighborhood, and see a small red (victory red in this case, GM color) mark on the pole. My dad looks at me and asks "Does this look like victory red to you?", to which I reply, "nope, looks more like defeat red". Groans ensued.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dontreadtogood
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2014
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