Vent pecking Puns

Very annoying birds pecking at my dryer air vent every morning. Does any one know any trick to discourage this behavior?

I want to be clear that I am NOT saying asexuality isn't real or valid. And I'm definitely not saying there is anything wrong with being ace. But I do suspect that it's way over diagnosed. I suspect a lot of women self diagnose because they just haven't met a higher value man in their lives and have no idea.

When I was with my ex I remember venting to some people in my life about our sex life and they told me I was asexual.

Here's the context: my ex did this thing where he would pucker his lips and close his eyes waiting for me to kiss him. 👀 and he would sit there waiting like that until I kissed him. And it grossed me out so bad. I couldn't explain or rationalize why it bothered me, so for a while I ignored it and opted to give him a quick sympathy peck and keep my disgust to myself but 🤢...eventually I finally snapped and told him I hated it. Asked him to please stop doing that. So he modified it. His new version was vocally asking/demanding (like "come here and gimme a kiss"). It repulsed be even more. I would visibly wince and say no and he would pout afterwards, say he felt unloved and unattractive. And I felt horrible, of course. Over time it (obviously) turned into an actual problem in our relationship. Eventually I hated kissing all together. Never had the spontaneous urge to kiss him anymore. I also hated sex with him. More and more. But before being with him I had terrible sex with men anyway, so I dismissed it. 🤡

Anyway when I vented about all this, EVERYONE and I mean EVERYONE (including my ex) told me I was asexual. they all acted shocked and horrified but insisted that I was the problem. That it wasn't normal to not be attracted to him and that he didn't deserve that 🥺. So I believed it. I listened to those people. Started googling asexuality and convincing myself it applied to me. Started just doing what he wanted without caring about my own (lack of) desire because I thought I was "asexual" and that he was making this sacrifice being with me despite it all.

What a joke.

It was just the ick. It was LVM. They are sexually repulsive. So I was not sexually compatible with him. Mystery solved.

And I almost married that guy. He insisted he wanted to marry me even after we had these huge conversations about me being "asexual".

If I would have married him, I would have never discovered my actual sexuality, which was laying dormant. And that blows my mind. I would have gone the rest of my life giving performative sex while suspectin

Next chapter up is New Jersey!

**Disclaimer for Jersey: I watched S1 and S2, but when S3 had that massive fight with Tre’s family, I bounced. The family drama was a little too real and like, this maybe shouldn’t be on tv question mark, for me. I didn’t rejoin until Jackie and Jennifer joined and then weaved in and out last season because of Tre. Because of that, this one was harder to me to know what was groundbreaking and what was already known in the in-between.

Repeat: There's a lot of info in each chapter, but I tried my best to keep out anything repetitive or something that is more considered common knowledge. Each chapter will get its own post because there's soooo much in some of them. I'm planning on going in order but spacing them out so as to not clog the daily feed. Also, I took notes on my phone while I read, so some names are shortened in bullet points after first mention, and if something is messed up in formatting or misspelled, I'm super sorry. Anything in quotes is straight from the book! I tried to leave my actual thoughts out of this.

Disclaimer for those who don’t know: Andy Cohen Books published this bad boy, so take that for what you will. Also, the copyediting in this book is HORRIBLE.

Link to OC. Link to NY. Link to ATL. Link to DC. Link to BH. Link to Miami. Link to RHOP. Link to Dallas.

• HWs who didn’t participate: Joe Gorga, Joe Guidice (though he’s not mentioned, he didn't particpate).

• Diana was set to be the star of NJ because of her personality, charisma, and wit.

• NJ was differ

…continuing…

Yet another accessory that comes in really handy in situations such as these.

Adam flew slowly and came up to bottle 11-3-A.

I had him spin 360 degrees to see if the plotter would follow in real time or if it was laggy.

I wish my home internet responded like this plotter. No lag at all. I had Bud press the light pen up to the map overlay and designate that bottle 11-3 was in place and ready to go.

I wish I could say the rest of the tour was just as exciting, but we did find 2 stations, one on level 9 and one on 10 that had been hit with roof breakdown. Neither were leaking, at least according to the microphones on the drones, and were so deep into the working, it didn’t matter if they detonated or not.

However, Mr. Peck went white when I had Adam fly around one of the bashed bottles, and he could see the large charge of thermite spilled on the ground and the explosive bottle deheaders laying in the harsh light. They’ll probably still respond to vent the bottles, but detonation will be dicey.

However, with all the redundancy we had planned, it was certain the additions from these two stations would definitely be utilized.

We finished Adam’s fly -in and brought him back to surface. It was not Tina’s turn to impress us.

Down the same shaft, but stopping well above bottom.

We followed spool after spool of Primacord, noted the drill holes and bundles of sticks of DuPont 60% extra fast we had at every junction. We plotted block after block of C-4, RDX, PETN and some other fun things I had in storage.

I figured this was a good time to refresh my holdings.

Tina flew by a regulation US Government foot locker.

No one said a word, as she entered the main ascent shaft and went to the next level.

Same song, different verse.

Same US Government foot locker at the entrance.

Next and final level, we flew around, logging the soon to occur carnage. After 20 minutes or so, we’re finished and Tina is instructed to bring the boys back home.

Right to the ascent shaft and right past yet another US Government foot locker at the entrance.

Dr. Black finally broke the silence.

“Rock, what’s with the foot lockers? They not on any maps.”

“Ah, you saw. Shame. It was going to be a surprise.” I explained. “Those are extra insurance that the ascent and descent shafts are going to be sealed in perpetuity. They are, as you can tell, foot lockers. Foot lockers filled with 250 pounds of octanitrocubane-enhanced Torpex, each.”

“I see”, ruminate

My husband (42) and I (35) have been married for 5 years, together for 6. Two years ago he started becoming more friendly with my then best friend (she is also married and lives in the house next to us) to the point where I started getting a weird vibe about them and noticed they were texting all the time. I asked him about it and he said they're just friends who are bonding really well but there's nothing romantic. I told him it's making me uncomfortable and he kept refusing to cut ties with her which absolutely baffled me. He kept saying that I'm the one who needs to trust him and that he should be allowed to be friends with her. During this time, I was also suffering from acute anxiety from being bullied at work and also going through the process of being diagnosed with ADHD. We had major issues intimately because I just wanted emotional support and wasn't able to have sex and he kept trying to make a move after consoling me, which almost always ended with me eventually turning him down, which in turn made him feel rejected. Anyway, he asks me if I'm ok if they can go for walks here and there after work to vent. I said no and after that the tension increased. A few months later I found an emailed reservation to an Inn and a deleted cc statement with a charge for a different Inn for another date. I wait until he comes home, then I confront him about it.

He started with a bs story and I stopped him and told him I would leave right then and there unless he told me the full truth. He told me they had started flirting over texts but that it wasn't dirty. He said they were just supportive of each other and felt they had a deep connection and got along really well, and also getting attention from an "attractive intelligent woman" when I didn't give him any was addictive. He said that they had kissed on 2 occasions but that it was like a test to see if they had deeper feelings for each other. And they didn't so they kept things on a friendly level after that. He also said they went to a hotel (day trips) because she usually goes to one sometimes to escape the kids and be able to study for her exams, and he tagged along on 3 occasions. He kept swearing up and down that they hadn't gotten physical even though it's extremely hard to believe that 2 adults would go to a hotel, kiss but not do more..... I agreed to let him send her a last text and when I asked him to show it to me he said he already deleted it. I ask her to come over and explain herself and she basi

I don't want to step on anybody's toes here, but the amount of non-dad jokes here in this subreddit really annoys me. First of all, dad jokes CAN be NSFW, it clearly says so in the sub rules. Secondly, it doesn't automatically make it a dad joke if it's from a conversation between you and your child. Most importantly, the jokes that your CHILDREN tell YOU are not dad jokes. The point of a dad joke is that it's so cheesy only a dad who's trying to be funny would make such a joke. That's it. They are stupid plays on words, lame puns and so on. There has to be a clever pun or wordplay for it to be considered a dad joke.

Again, to all the fellow dads, I apologise if I'm sounding too harsh. But I just needed to get it off my chest.

Ok - so I seriously don’t want to do be part of any kind of infidelity. My mum had an affair when I was growing up- it’s one of the many things that’s fucked up my relationship with her. It was unbelievably selfish and caused so much pain. But - I wanted to go to the most non judgemental place possible to vent about my feelings and get your thoughts on my situation.

I’m 26f, work at a very small successful boutique consultancy firm. I started the job in September and have a colleague who interviewed me, prob c.37ish m, who I’ve got on well with from the beginning and I think is a great person. I’m quite low in the pecking order, he’s very high, second from the top. He doesn’t really act like it, he’s very studious and meticulous about his job, but he’s also funny and creative - e.g coming up with new coffee/ milk combinations with jokey names and wanting to patent them. I did used to notice that he’d often make stupid jokes in the office and then stand up and look at me to see if I was laughing (then give a little nod and bow if I was), but I didn’t think too much of that. I had no idea he saw me romantically in any way.

For context sorry, he’s married with no kids. I have a fiancé who I love enormously.

At the Christmas party my colleague got incredibly drunk, and told me he was in love with me on three or four separate occasions. It was messy. There was a lot of crying because he said he knew I didn’t feel the same way. (I just tried to get him water and get him home in a taxi). He said he was also in love with my brain and thought I was much more intelligent than him (which he found intimidating), and said he was desperate to be in my life in any way possible. Then he started speaking French / trying to speak in Shakespearian English. Like I say it was messy.

The next day he apologised. Then he tried to continue the conversation (hours later asking how my day’s going and stuff). Now he sends me links to podcasts about an author he knows I love, asks how stuffs going, basically seems to be finding reasons to message me or keep a conversation going, sometimes late in the evening. He’s a bit shit at messaging honestly, I would prefer to be back in the office and talk to him in person. Then it would be easier at least to iron stuff out/ try to get back to normal.

I was properly freaked out the morning after the Christmas party, and started job searching. But now thinking about it a bit more, I like who he is as a human being massively. He’s so genuine

Alot of great jokes get posted here! However just because you have a joke, doesn't mean it's a dad joke.

THIS IS NOT ABOUT NSFW, THIS IS ABOUT LONG JOKES, BLONDE JOKES, SEXUAL JOKES, KNOCK KNOCK JOKES, POLITICAL JOKES, ETC BEING POSTED IN A DAD JOKE SUB

Try telling these sexual jokes that get posted here, to your kid and see how your spouse likes it.. if that goes well, Try telling one of your friends kid about your sex life being like Coca cola, first it was normal, than light and now zero , and see if the parents are OK with you telling their kid the "dad joke"

I'm not even referencing the NSFW, I'm saying Dad jokes are corny, and sometimes painful, not sexual

So check out r/jokes for all types of jokes

r/unclejokes for dirty jokes

r/3amjokes for real weird and alot of OC

r/cleandadjokes If your really sick of seeing not dad jokes in r/dadjokes

Punchline !

Edit: this is not a post about NSFW , This is about jokes, knock knock jokes, blonde jokes, political jokes etc being posted in a dad joke sub

Edit 2: don't touch the thermostat

Do your worst!

How the hell am I suppose to know when it’s raining in Sweden?

Mathematical puns makes me number

Ants don’t even have the concept fathers, let alone a good dad joke. Keep r/ants out of my r/dadjokes.

But no, seriously. I understand rule 7 is great to have intelligent discussion, but sometimes it feels like 1 in 10 posts here is someone getting upset about the jokes on this sub. Let the mods deal with it, they regulate the sub.

Hey y’all. This is going to be a pretty niche post (I hope), and kind of just a vent because I have no one to talk to about this. TLDR at bottom

A weekish ago my girlfriend cheated on me with my cousin (cis girl) who I’ve been best friends with since childhood. This happened while we were all drunk (not blackout though), and they went to the bathroom together and hooked up. Earlier in the night we were playing a card game, and the question came up “have you ever kissed a girl”. My cousin(pansexual), answered that she had only in front of guys at parties 🙄 not a real kiss. I told them I was okay with it if they kissed, I meant a peck or two. They proceeded to make out, and I stayed quiet out of guilt for coming out as trans and causing my gf to have a sexuality crisis ~ but I wasn’t cool with it. Then later that night they go into the bathroom and hookup. I heard them, confronted them. My cousin lied to me, my gf didn’t.

When I came out my girlfriend was trying to figure out if she was bi or gay. The same day I came out as trans she had decided that she was lesbian. Me coming out was tough, as she didn’t know if she’d be attracted to me after I began transitioning. Fast forward a bit, she realized she is into guys and other genders as well, so she starts to ID as pansexual and was very vocal about her attraction to me.

She can’t even tell me a reason why she cheated, but remembers the whole thing. She just did it because the option was available?! It makes me feel like there is something subconscious going on. Like, is she really gay all along and just didn’t want to lose me? We’ve been together about 7 years. She says she’s not just gay and is happy in our relationship, but her actions aren’t lining up. (I’m pan, so this isn’t a biphobia issue, I’m just wary and tbh insecure because she identified as lesbian until I came out as trans) I believe her that she doesn’t know why she did this, but there has to be a reason she’s hiding from herself.

Man I’m just confused. We’ve been best friends for almost a decade, and in love for 7 years. I feel so alone. It’s like I lost everyone in one day. My family and my love. Better yet, my cousins fiancé doesn’t even care?! Either she didn’t tell him the whole story, or he didn’t care because she cheated with a woman and not another man. Makes me feel even more alone. Idk what to do. I love her, but trust is huge to me and this makes me feel disgusted, disrespected, cast to the side and sick.

TLDR: gf of 7 years

They were cooked in Greece.

I'm surprised it hasn't decade.

We told her she can lean on us for support. Although, we are going to have to change her driver's license, her height is going down by a foot. I don't want to go too far out on a limb here but it better not be a hack job.

Now that I listen to albums, I hardly ever leave the house.

He lost May

My (25F) boyfriend (23M) has been acting different since I got back from quarantine in Ireland.

We’ve been dating since Aug of last year and he has been acting different and I’m mostly just needing different points of views.

I just returned a week ago from being quarantined in Ireland after catching covid. My trip was only supposed to be two weeks but it was extended for four and a half weeks. My bf (Cal) has expressed throughout our relationship that he isn’t really fond of texting and doesn’t really like doing it much. While in quarantine I’d always check in and ask him about his day and how he was doing. It would be simple things about his day or random memes he thought was funny but we only were able to have deep conversations when we’d ft. With the time change it was hard to ft cause he worked so much so we’d ft every two weeks but text every day.

Once I returned home he was picking me up from the airport and when he did it seemed like another day. No hug and no kiss. I tried really hard to not let it hurt me but I was so excited to see him and be with him it really knocked me down a bit. I assumed it was cause he must be tired so I left it alone and continued with our busy day. My family was coming over to my place to welcome me home and we were celebrating my birthday since I missed it being in lockdown.

With the busy day we were constantly running to grab food, gifts and also some late Christmas shopping. After my birthday my family left, I fell asleep in which he woke me up and told me he was gonna head home to let me sleep. I said goodbye expecting a kiss but he hug me and wished me goodnight. Again I just hoped he was just tired.

The next day my family came over again for lunch and wanted to know about my trip in which I told them everything I could and he was there listening and engaging with everyone. Once everyone left again it was just us too and I had asked him why he doesn’t kiss me. He said that it’s been so long that I should be okay without them (completely joking tone) I laughed but told him I liked kissing him and he again said I’d be okay to wait more. I asked him to cuddle and he did. He let me lay on him and cuddle but if I leaned up to kiss him he’d kind of move and when he moved twice I didn’t want to seem forceful so again I left it alone. He cuddles me normal but no kissing of any kind.

He has told me in the past that due to his upbringing he is not very emotional / affectionate person. He only holds my hand or kiss me b

Don't you know a good pun is its own reword?

Two muffins are in an oven, one muffin looks at the other and says "is it just me, or is it hot in here?"

Then the other muffin says "AHH, TALKING MUFFIN!!!"

For context I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.

I said "hey look, an escaPEA"

No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!

Edit: I can't believe how much this has blown up. Thank you everyone I've had a blast reading through the replies 😂

It really does, I swear!

And now I’m cannelloni

Because she wanted to see the task manager.

There is virtually no intimacy at all. No kisses deeper than a momentary peck. No holding hands. No cuddling because "I'm a radiator."

Intimacy that is not intercourse had been discussed, and rejected.

I'm also not attracted to her anymore at all really. After second kid, she is over 200lbs overweight and has 3 hernias (umbilical and 2 others) So from the perspective of being in pain, I somewhat have sympathy. The solution to lots of her problems is to lose weight according to her doctor. She has seen me lose almost 100lbs myself, and I believe knows she needs to make drastic changes to her diet to make that happen, yet doesn't. Doc won't do stomach staple or fix hernias until she loses some weight.

I don't push her to lose weight. She gonna do it when she's ready. Maybe never. She says she's lost 35lbs recently. I can't tell.

Kids are young. <= 5

MIL lives with us.

I love my children. I want them to grow up in a two parent home. Don't know if I'm venting or want advice. While I know Reddit is largely a secular community, I'm Catholic, and this is already my second marriage. What a cluster fuck.

But that’s comparing apples to oranges

And boy are my arms legs.

Put it on my bill

Heard they've been doing some shady business.

but then I remembered it was ground this morning.

Edit: Thank you guys for the awards, they're much nicer than the cardboard sleeve I've been using and reassures me that my jokes aren't stale

Edit 2: I have already been made aware that Men In Black 3 has told a version of this joke before. If the joke is not new to you, please enjoy any of the single origin puns in the comments

They’re on standbi

BamBOO!

A play on words.

Calcium, nickel, neon

My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

Hey there ladies and gents of Reddit. My gf and u have been together for about a year and a half, the first six months being LDR due to work reasons. Whenever I’d visit her, we’d usually go out out the town. She’s a very attractive woman and does tend to receive more attention than she realizes. Due to previous discussions regarding PDA, I toned down my PDA levels a lot out of respect. I understand it can be a scary thing (she’s dated men and women in the past). However, I had stumbled upon many photos of her and her ex bf and PDA seemed to have been a prominent aspect of their relationship. There’s wasn’t a shortage of photos of them kissing, holding hands, etc. I mean seeing those pictures hurt me on some level because she still had them buried in her email (which is another story on it’s own) and due to the fact that she simply does not engage in that with me. Nonetheless, I put it aside and didn’t give it too much thought because I want her to feel comfortable. However, this changed this past NYE. On NYE, we went out and celebrated at a club. I had some friends and town and was really looking forward to it. I had mentioned to her on many occasions that kissing the one I love at midnight on NYE has always been one of those silly little fantasies I’ve had since I was small. The time finally comes and we’re counting down… I’m tipsy, she’s tipsy and everyone else is pretty drunk. Once we reached the whole “happy news years!” Thing she gave me a very small peck on the cheek. Nevertheless, I was disappointed but didn’t want to make her feel bad. She told me there were some people at the club we were with that knew her family and would blab their mouths. That’s all fine and dandy but her parents and siblings know about us and have welcomed me in for the most part (they were pretty closed-minded when they first found out she liked girls a couple years ago).Her family is Dominican but I don’t know if that’d make a difference regarding cultural standards. A couple minutes later, a guy apart of the group we apart of asked her to dance. We talked about what we would do in those situations and both agreed that if it was a family meme we or a close friend it’d be fine. I didn’t know who this guy was. I pulled her back a slightly as he pulled her arm to go dance to signify that I wouldn’t be comfortable with it. But she went anyways. The bouncer must’ve seen the look on my face because he came up to me and asked if I was okay. They danced bachata. Now… I suppose I

Pilot on me!!

Christopher Walken