A robber breaks into a bank

When he arrives he sees the security guard at his desk, sobbing

β€œI c-can’t believe the boss forgot my b-b-birthday”

Seeing this opportunity, the thief sneaks round to the back steals the security codes and goes to access the vault.

Unfortunately for the thief, the head of the bank was busy giving a tour to some possible investors and is at the vault.

Upon seeing the thief (who is stupidly dressed in horizontal black and white stripes) he exclaims, β€œHOW DID YOU GET PAST MY SECURITY!!?!”

To which the thief replies, β€œYou let your guard down”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheNewMadMan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2021
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I just sold a house with ferns throughout and a safe in the attic

The buyers loved that it was fully fernished with a vaulted ceiling

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MLaBolle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
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If you happen to find beaver obstructions inside a secure safe, let me know.

That’s my own dam vault.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NauticallyNifty
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2018
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I was helping my dad move stuff out of his storage unit when I came across a stack of metal rods.

Me: Dad, do you need these?

Dad (with a shit-eating grin): YES! In fact, I was going to put them in the bank. Then it would be a pole vault!

Bonus rebuttal! My husband (not a dad): Look, do you want us to help you or not?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pollyatomic
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2014
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What did the bank say when it got robbed?

Sorry, it's my vault.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/alwerence
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2017
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What do you call a safe inside another safe?

a re-vault

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scoob1978
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2017
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Instant Message Excerpt:

This is from an actual IM chat I had with someone a while back. This was all on impulse. Nothing was planned.

ME: The main reason you want a strong lock is not because they're unbreakable, but because your neighbor should be the easier target.

HIM: Ayup. Although if you want an impenetrable lock, might I recommend Benson's Black Hole Vaults?

ME: I'd want to be able to get my stuff out, again, too.

HIM: Wait long enough. It'll evaporate out.

ME: ... in the same state in which I deposited it in the vault.

HIM: Don't want much, do you?

ME: I could try to sell the stuff in its evaporated state ... But I don't like hawking radiation.

HIM: boo HISS

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Myntrith
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2015
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At the Bank

My girlfriend works at the bank. "Why is the vault so cold?" "Well because if the money gets warm it gets soft." "Really?" "Yeah. People want cold, hard cash."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrippingYellow
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2014
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