A man should always carry a knife. It can cut your food, open beer bottles, be a screwdriver, or even be used as a toothpick. It works great for cleaning your fingernails, and it's quite useful in an emergency situation

like when you have to change someone's mind.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jan_Tik
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Who is the most useful man

Alan Key

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fandabbydosy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
🚨︎ report
Man I used to really hate facial hair

But I have to admit, it's growing on me

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GRAY_WOLF_DONG
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2021
🚨︎ report
A man has been found guilty of using too many commas.

The judge told him to expect a long sentence.

πŸ‘︎ 93
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elwheelio
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...

He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:

-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!

Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.

-Ok, so... your current name is.. Β·chucklesΒ· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...

-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.

After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.

-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?

-Charles Fart.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gone11gone11
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to be a man stuck inside a womans body....

Then I was born.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw a man that used different cuts of steak to create portraits of people

It was a rare medium, but well done

πŸ‘︎ 83
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What does the Gingerbread Man use to make his bed?

Cookie sheets

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/90eight
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the cannibal call the curry he made using the meat of Joshua - a balding Indian man?

Rogaine Josh

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/celebrationrock
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
My grandad used to say "If it wasn't for me, you'd all be speaking German right now" Lovely man, terribly bad foreign language teacher.

No idea why the school hired him.

πŸ‘︎ 72
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Since the very beginning, man has been panning for gold and using it as trade.

Our ancestors called it the prime-ore-deal soup

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sanicle
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I once painted a picture of a man using fungus.

I thought it was a clever way to capture his licheness.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-Masderus-
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ve just been charged for killing a man using sandpaper

In my defence I only intended to rough him up a little bit

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Micktheprivz
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?

He has no need for glasses.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Innarhythm
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
🚨︎ report
A man was tired of drinking well water as he didn't like the taste. In fact, he hated it so much that he decided to destroy the well using dynamite. Unfortunately...

It didn't end well.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a man who used punctured condoms?

Dad

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bonp27
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to feel like a man trapped inside a woman's body

Then I was born

πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AssortedCrap
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
🚨︎ report
At school they used to call me The Elephant Man.

I like to think it's because I had a good memory.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blarty97
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2020
🚨︎ report
The comments on the post of a video where a man who flew from Emirates (using hot air balloons) and was found in Oman in a critical condition. I doubt if that video Israel..
πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LogangYeddu
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
🚨︎ report
The comments on the post of a video where a man who flew from Emirates (using hot air balloons) and was found in Oman in a critical condition. I doubt if that video Israel..
πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LogangYeddu
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
🚨︎ report
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
When early man discovered that they could use sharp stones for hunting, it was a big deal.

It was cutting edge technology

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2020
🚨︎ report
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

πŸ‘︎ 61
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LynnOrtiz85
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2021
🚨︎ report
I apologise if this isn't allowed.

New to this subreddit. I know the point of this thing is to share funny jokes, but since I'm a newbie I hope you'll allow me this one opportunity to make a serious but friendly PSA: If you're lucky enough to have a father, don't take him for granted. Even when they scold or punish you, trust their judgement, it's likely for good reason even if you can't see it at the time. When I was a child I narrowly avoided a horrific accident in which 4 of my friends were electrocuted at a playground we used to play on every day after school. I used to hate my old man for being so strict and disciplining me when all of my friends got to run wild, but if it weren't for him I definitely would have been electrocuted too that day. But I wasn't. I was grounded.

πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NoThruTrucks
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
People used to describe my father as a real β€œMan’s Man” the type to get all the men talking at the party. However he never really spoke to me,

I guess to me he was more of a β€œMime’s Man”.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheTayloceraptor
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My dear old grandmother always used to say the way to a man's heart was through his stomach,

which is why she lost her job as a cardiac surgeon.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ubadishnard
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Tragic news, a cargo ship carrying shoes from overseas ran into heavy weather and sank, only one man was rescued, he was found using shoes as a makeshift flotation device.

He was the sole survivor.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GotMyOrangeCrush
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2020
🚨︎ report
A bear is riding a bike in the woods

when he passes a man who notices him and yells:

"What the heck?! Bears don't know how to ride bikes!

The bear replies: "oh right, i forgot!" and tips over.

My uncle used to tell me this joke as a kid and it took me a while to understand the tiny but valuable lesson behind it.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Spider-Man used to have trouble commuting around NY.

Don't worry. He eventually got into the swing of things.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Evrant
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"

Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2020
🚨︎ report
What type of fabric softener does iron man use ?

Downey

πŸ‘︎ 46
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Johnny_Two_Timez
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Great joke, albeit a bit long winded.

There was once a boy. He was the son of the richest man in the universe. Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, he dwarfed them all. He was a multi-trillionaire. Now, it was this boy's birthday. His father asked him,

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. A store full of lego, all the video games in the world, anything. What would you like?"

His son replied.

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one pink ping pong ball."

His father was rather confused by this request. Out of all the things he could've chosen, his son chose a ping pong ball. Nonetheless, he agreed and gave him a pink ping pong ball. His son was overjoyed and spoke to him.

"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong ball?"

"Okay son, go ahead."

The boy then went up to his room and played with his pink ping pong ball. When his father went in the next morning to check on him, the boy was sleeping in his bed and the pink ping pong ball was nowhere to be found.

On the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"

His son replied.

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one box full of pink ping pong balls."

His father was again, confused by this. Still, he bought a cardboard box and filled it with ping pong balls. He gave it to his son, who said.

"My father, you have made me the happiest boy in the world. May I go up to my room and play with my pink ping pong balls?"

The father nodded, and the son went up to his room to play. The next morning when his father went to check, the boy was sleeping peacefully and there were no pink ping pong balls in sight. Just the empty cardboard box in the middle of the room.

On the boy's next birthday, his father asked him again.

"My son. I am the richest man in the universe. I could buy you anything you want for your birthday. What would you like?"

"Oh father. It would make me the happiest boy in the world if you could get me one truck full of ping pong balls."

Now, by this point, the father was extremely confused. Why did the boy want so many pink ping pong balls and where were they going? He asked.

"My son. You are the most precious thing in the world to me and I can certainly get you this, but may I ask, why do you want

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/phrresehelp
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
🚨︎ report
What did Pac-Man use to listen to music in the 90s?

A WakkaWakkaMan.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RustedDust
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
🚨︎ report
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend used to take care of the lawn on a rich man's estate but now runs a coffee wholesale store...

He calls it The Groundskeeper.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Dis you hear about the man who was hospitalised after using a baguette as an improvised sex toy?

The doctor said it was a complete pain in the ass.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ApacheFlame
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2019
🚨︎ report
A man got pulled over for using his mobile phone

He explained to that it was a call from his wife, so he wasn't talking on the phone, just listening.

The cops let him go.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm in hospital and a man just told his elderly mum to use the rail, because its HANDy.. dad jokes on his own mother
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kiwibornaussie
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2019
🚨︎ report
My old man used to think he was hilarious at the McDonald’s drive thru when the server asked, β€˜Any condiments?’

He always responded, β€˜Compliments? You look very nice today!’

(Yes probably a repost)

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DannyGere
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2019
🚨︎ report
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KimKeeling43
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
🚨︎ report
I used to be a man trapped in a woman's body

Then I was born.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2018
🚨︎ report
When I was young I used to feel like a man trapped in a women’s body...

Then I was born

πŸ‘︎ 54
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/atumanov55
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
🚨︎ report
A Frog and a Bank Loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bstie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
A Frog and a Bank Loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bstie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report

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