I asked my date to meet me at the gym today. She didn’t show up.

That's when I knew we weren't gonna work out.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/red_snake0329
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
🚨︎ report
I told my date to meet me at the gym, but she didn’t show up.

I guess this means we can’t work out.

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2021
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I used to date three coconuts but had to break up with them

They were a little shy for my liking

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hasdog_willtravel
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
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Asked My Date To Meet Me At The Gym, But She Never Showed Up...

Guess the two of us aren’t going to work out

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hana-Chi
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2019
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I was reading a history book, and apparently in the middle east there were hundreds of years where nocturnal predator birds used to fly around and ejaculate all over the place. The Arabic people would keep each other up to date on the latest attacks; and so marked the beginning of...

The Owl Jizz Era News.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nutsacktetherball
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
🚨︎ report
A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time...

The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks, "Do you like potato pancakes?"

"No," comes the answer and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket.

"Do you have a brother?"

"No."

After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card, "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
What do coral keep up to date the most with?

Current events

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JaggertheChosen1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2015
🚨︎ report
In light of No-Shave November, my best dad joke up to date.
πŸ‘︎ 119
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_Responsible
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2013
🚨︎ report
I tried to look up today's date on the internet....

but all I got was 404.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/collapse32904
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2015
🚨︎ report
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
DROP YOUR BEST PUNS FOR HISTORY DRINKING GAME

I'm creating a drinking game where every important event equals to drinking, but I am nowhere close to NAMING my drinking game. A friend of mine recommended this subreddit, saying that people drop some really punny puns here. Give your ideas for a title, I think up to 6 words would be okay.

Let's see what you can do!

What you need to know about the game:

  • You can create your timeline based on packages (ages, countries, continents, etc).
  • Every important event has a normal action and drinking action.
  • You never know in which year you are located but get an estimate year. You can either guess the year (or date) and get a free pass or you have to execute the action or drinking action. When you guess wrong, you'll have to double it.

That's basically it.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tyounr
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Mental health hotline.

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.

If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.

If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try you call again in a few minutes.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
🚨︎ report
All year, I've been telling my friends I just want to meet someone, fall in love be married by my next birthday...

which was my 40th birthday. The BIG Four Oh! As in "Oh, you're 40 and not married? What's wrong with you?"

And my friends, as awesome as they are, kept setting me up on blind dates, but I never seemed to click with any of the women. Pretty women, short women, tall women, rough women, successful women, lazy women - I dated them all and more often than not, they just weren't interested in me.

I think I probably went on twenty or so dates that never resulted in a a single follow up date.

But two months before my birthday, I started dating two women and both fledgling relationships seemed like they were going somewhere as they were getting really, really serious. I couldn't choose one, but I didn't care. I just couldn't believe they were into me. Okay, maybe they weren't the best looking, but I was so desperate for a wife, and I'm definitely no prize myself.

With a few weeks to go before my birthday, I knew I had to act if I had any hope of being married. I bought two rings and proposed to them both (on separate nights, of course) and they both said no. In fact, though they never knew of each other, I went from two good things to both of them not returning my calls. I guess proposing in a mall food court (for Jenny) or down on my knees in front of the bathroom at a minor league baseball game (Susan) were not my best laid plans, doomed to fail. Or maybe I just reeked of desperation.

So the morning of my birthday, I was practically in tears, deep in depression as I knew I missed my deadline. But my friends came though, kind of. They took me out bar hopping and then we all went back to my place where they had a stripper waiting in my favorite chair. She got up, sat me down, and gave me a grinding lap dance. She said nothing, but after a minute, stopped, turned around, looked me in the eye and said "one." Then she started up again, stopped after a minute, turned around and said "two..."

This went on all night until she got to "forty."

It's been a few months now, and I'm not too sad. My friends really tried to get me married, and after two near mrs, I guess it was the thot that counts.

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
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"Sir, look at this."

"What's that Haskins?"

"I know your love life sucks, so I signed you up to a dating website."

"I'm not comfortable with a robot finding love for me."

"It says your best chance for love is in October."

"Why then?"

"Because it's autumn mated."

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card

It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,

About Six-tea years to date,

Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,

her cupious amazing traits

Her balanced demeanour

Her Kindness and (earl) grace,

rooibost sense of humour,

too many to name in this teany space,

to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,

let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,

While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,

It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gurlonreddit
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2019
🚨︎ report
So this might have been posted before but...

A boy was in love with a girl. Madly in love. He told his older brother, who suggested he ask her to the upcoming prom. So, that night, he went to her house with some flowers and chocolates and asked the girl to the prom.

She was overjoyed. She took the flowers and hugged him around the neck. When he went home, his brother told him he had to get ready. Prom was in only a week!

The next day, he traveled to a suit store. He picked out the perfect one. It would go perfectly with his date’s dress. He picked his up and went to check out. Unfortunately, it seems a lot of people were buying suits, as the line nearly went out of the store. He groaned, but anything for his love. After two long hours, he finally got his suit.

A couple days later, his brother suggested that he rent a limo. He and his brother went to rent one that evening. When they arrived, they discovered that there were nearly 50 people waiting to rent a vehicle. They waited for nearly three hours, but they were finally able to rent a limo for the big day.

The afternoon before the dance, he went to buy some flowers for his date. Unfortunately, the store seemed to be having a sale, and the checkout lines extended into the parking lot. He stomped his foot. β€œWhy is it that every time I go to buy something, everyone else wants to buy it too?!” He begrudgingly waited for nearly four hour before walking out with a bouquet of roses.

That night, he rode in the limo to his date’s house. She got in, and they talked the entire trip. He presented her with the flowers, which she adored. Her dress was stunning, and went perfectly with his suit.

They arrived at the school and got out, arms linked. They walked inside, said hi to a couple of friends, and began dancing and enjoying the night.

About halfway through the dance, the boy was parched. He told his girl that he was going to get a drink. He walked over to the snack table and discovered that there was no punch line.

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ohihatethesepants
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
🚨︎ report
A girl was putting up a sign.

A girl was putting up a sign, and while she was putting the individual letters in, the letter "i" fell out.

A guy happened to see the letter dropping and jumped to stop it from hitting the ground.

He caught it and the girl was thankful that he did so, this led to one thing and another, and soon they were dating.

To him, she was so charming, when he asked if she was this charming to other guys, she said :

"No, you just happened to catch my I."

πŸ‘︎ 234
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2017
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Honey Story

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly. Every day, sometimes throughout the day. Slowly we learned more about each other. Her dog's name was Daisy. My truck's name was Dodge Ram (I apologized for my lack of creativity). She was a CPA. I was a beekeeper.

And at this, she stumbled. "If we ever meet in real-life, I want you to know that I could never date a beekeeper." But we were still far away from that point, so it was moot.

But time went on, and we gradually became closer to that point. More personal information. What firm she worked for. Where my farm was. Names of relatives. Names of high schools. All the things that just come up in conversation eventually if you talk to someone long enough.

But, oddly, after all this time, neither of us had thought to send any pictures. Until one day I got a message from her: "I never thought I'd say this, but I really do want to meet you in person. I think we have a rare connection, and I don't want to squander it. I want to send you my picture, and I want you to send me yours, but I'm telling you, I can never date a beekeeper."

I couldn't imagine a life without my bees. But I also couldn't imagine a life without her. Tentatively, reluctantly, I clicked on the image attached to her message.

Then I saw her face. Now I'm a bee leaver.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fishamaphone
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2018
🚨︎ report
My Parents Dating Life Summed Up

"Your mum and I went on quite a few dates before we got engaged. I took her out for dinner eight times and went to the cinema once to see Batman.

So, to sum up our dating life it went dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner BATMAN!"

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mullza
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2015
🚨︎ report
I got a date to prom.

I got a date to prom, so I went home to get ready only to relize that I was late. So I have to run down to the limo rental place. The line there was pretty long and after that, I hade to get flowers & chocolate. The line there was also pretty long. Then after that, I finally went to pick her up, she was pretty upset but forgived me and we arrived at our destination. I then got thirst and thank god there was no Punch Line.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Daxdax_Universe
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Parents talking about when they were dating

My mom was talking about how my dad wouldn't stop talking about her when they were dating just as he got up from the table to go to the bathroom

They brought it up because I just got my license.

Mom: "When your dad first got a car he had a girl who liked him inside first and he kept on going on and on and on about me. She found that annoying. Ask him who was the first person in his car! See if he'll lie about it!"

Me: "Dad who was the first person in your car? Mom wants to know."

Dad: "Me. Its not gonna drive its self"

Me: "Well hes not wrong mom."

Mom: "Shut up"

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IxuntouchblexI
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2014
🚨︎ report
I saw a video about Egyptian fruit one day.

It was the best YouTube content I had seen up to date.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thisboishere
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Ghosting

I had a horrible thought earlier. You see, I have a date set up tomorrow with a lovely girl and I thought to myself, how horrible would it be to die before the date?! I barely know this girl, none of my friends have met her, haven’t really told anyone about her, if I died she’d have no clue. My only option would be to ghost her.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lzrdkng421
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2018
🚨︎ report
So this is a pretty long joke...

So there were these two high schoolers, both madly in love. they were like the most well known couple around the school. so a couple months go by after they've began dating and they both see a flier in the hallway. it talks about the up coming school dance which is taking place next week. so naturally, the guy asks the girl to come with him. she says yes and the planing begins. he gets home that night and surfs the entire web for a relatively cheap limo company with still have decent amenities. after ordering that, he heads off to the local tailor and gets a suit made for in his girlfriends favourite colour, blue. then the week passes and he preparing to go and pick her up, so he picks up the flowers he bought her earlier that day and heads out to the now parked limo. he gets in and orders the driver to her house. he gets there and gives her the flowers. they go out for dinner at a very fancy place, him paying for everything. they both finally get to the school hall and head in to see all their friends. they have a wonderful night, dancing, having photos taken, they both really just enjoyed themselves. they even got elected prom king and queen! so the night is coming to an end and they both decide to sit down and have a rest. the girls feeling a bit thirsty so the guy heads over to the refreshments table to get her a drink. it's pretty quite there as in this joke, there isnt a punchline. ( Ν‘Β° ΝœΚ– Ν‘Β°)

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RustyTyrant
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Summarizing the Oregon news to my wife and daughter

Looks like the Portland fire is meeting up with the Eastern oregon fire, they're going on a date...it's going to be lit...

looks at both of them with a cheeky grin to see if they were listening

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Magoogooo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2017
🚨︎ report
Young Billy Finally Lands a Date for the Prom

He really wants to impress her, so he decides to rent a tux. However, when he gets to the rental place, people are queued up out the door. He doesn't let this stop him, though. He takes his place in line and gets to waiting.

Finally, after waiting for over an hour, he gets fitted and pays for the rental. Relieved, he heads to the florist for a corsage, only to discover that the line there is also out the door, and halfway around the block, to boot!

Miffed, he mutters some mild obscenities, but he is determined to see this through, so he waits for almost 2 hours before finally being able to buy the flowers he picked out.

It's now the night of the dance, and he's ready to go. He picks her up, and they head to the event. When they arrive, his date immediately asks him if he can grab her a drink - she's absolutely parched! Still determined to make this the best night of her life, he dutifully makes his way to the other side of the venue, where he discovers, much to his surprise...

 

 

 

There's no punch line.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rolling_Man
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2018
🚨︎ report
Phones in a renovated Mobile Home

Lets say you buy a mobile home and you renovate it to have more things in it and be a bit more up to date. You even add a phone system in case you lose your phone. Does that make it a Mobile Phone?

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoulSilver1712
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2018
🚨︎ report
Puns for Kids

The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.

Puns for Kids

Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!


What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!


Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.


What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!


Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.


The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.


How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.


What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!


No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.


Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken!


What musical is about a train conductor? β€œMy Fare, Lady”.


A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What animals are on legal documents? Seals!


Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!


Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.


Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!


Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!


Dockyard: A physician’s garden.


What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!


The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.


β€œWhat’s purple and 5000 miles long?” β€œOoh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!”


Every calendar’s days are numbered.


This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. β€œFour bucks,” says the bartender. β€œPut it on my bill.”


I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.


What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!


When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When he’s a dandelion (dandy lion).


Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.


A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2017
🚨︎ report
Proud of my son

My 11 year old just came up to me, "Hey, dad? If gravity was a woman, everyone would want to date it -- it's so darned attractive!"

I'm proud of that boy! :)

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/redneckrockuhtree
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2015
🚨︎ report
Science Puns

One of the funniest school puns; science puns

Did you hear oxygen went on a date with potassium? It went OK. If the Silver Surfer and Iron Man team up, they’d be alloys.


The optimist sees the glass half full. The pessimist sees the glass half empty. The chemist sees the glass completely full, half with liquid and half with air.


If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.


A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. He says, β€œNo, I’m traveling light.”


Did you just mutate for a stop codon? Because you’re talking nonsense!


How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.


What did Gregor Mendel say when he founded genetics? Woopea!


Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.


I wish I was adenine, then, I could get paired with U.


Anyone know any jokes about sodium? Na


Two chemists go into a bar. The first one says β€œI think I’ll have an H2O.” The second one says β€œI think I’ll have an H2O too” β€” and he died.


A couple of biologists had twins. They named one Jessica and the other Control.


Did you hear the one about the recycling triplets? Their names are Polly, Ethel, and Ian.


Why can you never trust atoms? They make up everything!


What element is a girl’s future best friend? Carbon.


I had to make these bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.


Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.


What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.


What did the male stamen say to the female pistil? I like your β€œstyle.”


I’m reading a great book on anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.


I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.


Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations? Because they don’t believe in higher powers.


Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.


Do you know the name Pavlov? It rings a bell.


What does a subatomic duck say? Quark!


A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a beer. Bartender replies β€œFor you, no charge”.


Two atoms are walking along. One of them says: β€œOh, no, I think I lost an electron.” β€œAre you sure?”

β€œYe

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2017
🚨︎ report
I should have laughed...

So my dad loves to tell jokes, not one has ever been funny. So one day my GF was over and he decided to share a joke with her. He does. I look at him and I'm like "cmon Dad, that's horrible! U can do better" and laughed kinda like I was pitying him. He goes u think ur so cool huh?" He then got up grabbed me and locked me between his legs. So u all can understand, I'm 16 5"8 and thin. So not many people can't beat me. My dad is 6"3 and jacked. He looks likes mark wahlberg, from pain and gain, and that's not an overstatement. He then goes "what should we do now? How about an old fashioned wedgie!" He grabbed my underwear and pulled as hard as he could. "Why do u want to date a nerd that where's briefs? Haha" he's going. She starts laughing a little. He then goes "let's give u (GF) a better view" he then turns me around and lifts me up with a wedgie, "look at this dork dangle by his undies! Take a picture!" She did then pulled hard again and my underwear tore. He looked at me and went "maybe u shouldn't act like ur top dog kid, it'll get ur undies ripped right off." And she shared the pic around school, and know people come up to me saying "dude ur dad Is like a jock who gives u wedgies!" And makes fun of me for it. A couple of the seniors football player pinned me down and wedgied me so bad in the halls my underwear ripped off. And everyone was laughing. At least it happened at the end of the year so I only had 2 week of teasing. People have forgotten about. IT WAS horrible. And humiliating. So now I laugh at his jokes no matter how cringey they are, cause I fear his wedgies. Because their not regular. There delivered by a man who's biceps are bigger than my head. It's very painful. SO THE LESSON IS TO ALWAYS LAUGH AT DAD JOKES, escpeically if he can dangle u by ur undies!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kwiikberg
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2017
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Readers, give me all of your pirate puns.

I am asking my girlfriend to the Homecoming dance in about a month, and it's been a running joke to be as cheesy as possible in our relationship. For this year, I was brainstorming and I saw a pirate costume in my attic. So I am going to take her on a date to a nearby lake, and then my friends are going to row up in a canoe dressed as pirates. They are going to somehow give her a treasure chest for safekeeping (I haven't really thought all of this through yet), and inside will hopefully be one of your puns asking her. Please help arrrr/puns!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pmcclure108
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2012
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A dad joke between two male-men...

Me, to my 11-year-old son: "If you date someone from the FBI but then you break up, are they now your Fed Ex"?

Son: "Nice DELIVERY, Dad."

I just got out-dadjoked by my son.

(Item 37 on bucket list accomplished.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JustinJamm
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2018
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Just an update guys...

Taking my date tonight to watch Up

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrStranger
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2018
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My wife accidentally referred to the DVD player as a VCR...

She followed it up with, "Boy, I really am dating myself, aren't I?"

My reply: "Well, nobody else will."

I may not be allowed to sleep in my own bed tonight, but it was worth it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kortalh
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2013
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Your best "This _____ walks into a bar" joke?

Here's mine:

This mushroom walks into a bar, and sidles up to a blonde sitting by herself. He buys her a drink, then asks her out.

"Sorry, I don't date mushrooms," she replies.

"Why not?" he responds. "I'm a funghi."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mystikmike
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2015
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In the garden of Eden

Adam and Eve were spending time together, and it started to get hot and heavy. When Eve tells Adam to stop, he asked what's wrong? She sits up and pulls a fig from behind her back and says I don't wanna have sex on the first date

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πŸ‘€︎ u/King_Sized
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2017
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Asked my date to meet me at the gym, but she never showed up.

Guess the two of us aren't going to work out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/electric_leper
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
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I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she didn’t show up.

I guess we’re not going to workout.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Gnome
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2018
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A guy was going on a prom date...

So he went to the florists to get flowers, but cos everyone was having prom there was huge big line. So he waited and waited and eventually he bought some flowers, then he thought he should buy a suit. So went to the suit shop, but again there was a ginormous line, he waited for a couple of hours then finally got a suit. But he still needed a haircut so went to the barbers hoping there wasn't as long a line, but there it was stretching out the door for ages. Eventually he got his haircut and picked up his date for the prom. They got there and while there she asked him to get some punch so he walked over to the table and there was no punchline

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wallaceross
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2017
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