Sibling humor, the backs of two ocean-themed quilts for my baby bro's new son and daughter.
The two men stared intensely at each other over the chessboard, neither one making a move. Suddenly, one of the men gasped in horror and shouted, "How is this possible? You must be taught by the Soviets!"
The other smirked and replied, "Czech, mate."
Two boats full of red and blue paint crashed in the indian ocean today
All of the crew are marooned
So two wind turbines are standing in a field when one asks the other ‘what kind of music do you like?’
The second replies ‘I’m a big metal fan’
Courtesy of my 10 year old!
I have two pairs of trousers, but I prefer one of them for golfing
Because there’s a hole in one
Why did the golfer have two pairs of pants?
Just in case he made a hole in one
Two Deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says
“I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there”
What do you call two loaves of bread baked in the same oven?
What kind of fish has two knees?
A friend of mine tore his tongue in two in a freak accident.
I told him to get to the hospital lickety-split.
Two guys were arguing. One of them had only a left hand and one had only a right hand.
After a while, the left handed guy realized that the other guy was right, so he left.
Two giant windmills are out on a hilltop. One turns to the other and asks, "what kind of music do you like? "
The other one says, "I'm a really big metal fan."
I got attacked the other day by two guys when they threw a bottle of mayonnaise at me.
I was in so much shock all I could retaliate with was "what the Hellmann's"
Two man walk into a coffee shop, one of them orders a Cup of Tea and starts stripping.
The man behind counter says: what the hell is this?
To which the second man says: he's new to Tea
In a world where people with superpowers make up 1% of the world population, people with two make up 1% of that 1%. These people born with two superhuman abilities are called squares.
Squares are raised to a second power.
What kind of fish is made up of only two sodium atoms?
There are two kinds of people
Make two rectangles out of a diamond using one line
This was a problem on my step sons homework. No matter what, he couldn't seem to grasp it. So, I grabbed some post-it notes, turned it to a diamond and said "this is a diamond correct?" he says yes. I then turn the post-it notes a few degrees and say "this is a square correct?" And he instantly got what he had to do. I then threw out this, grade "A" knee slapper of a line "Diamonds are just crooked squares, you can't trust'em".
I think I'm gonna put on my jorts and tube socks now.
I have this pathological fear of two letter words.
I get terrified just thinking about it.
Did you hear about the wedding of the two antennas?
The ceremony was so-so...but the reception was epic!!
Two drunk guys were about to get into a brawl. One of the guys grabs a stick and draws a line in the dirt and says "If you cross this line, I'll hit you in the face".
Two Drums and a Cymbal Fall Off of a Cliff
These could be the titles of two horror movies
There are two kinds of people in this world, those who spell it doughnut
There are two types of people
- Those who can extrapolate conclusions from incomplete data.
Two thistles are arguing over who has the better yard The one turns to the other and says "your dirt is way too loose, man, look" and yanks him up and out of the ground Second thistle looks up at the first and goes
"I artichoke you for that"
Saw two members of a string section of an orchestra get in a fight...
They should know violins is never the answer..
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, “Dad get out of the way!”
I said, “You’re the ones blocking!”
A length of rope walks into a bar and orders two shots...
the bartender kicks him out on the daily making it known that they don’t serve ropes in his bar. One day he decides that he may have better luck with a disguise, so he ties himself up in a good tangle and frantically pulls all the fibers apart at both of his cut ends. He walks back into the bar and orders two shots. The bartender says to him, “ Hey...aren’t you that rope I kicked out of here yesterday?”. The rope looks at him confused and says, “ No, I’m a frayed knot”.
My doctor told me to drink two bottles of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can’t even finish drinking the hot bath
My cousin posted two jokes on this sub, but the mods deleted both of them.
He is my cousin, twice [removed]
Two bees are drinking at a bar, a couple aproaches them, one of the bees says "Get away, you scumbags!" The other says:
"I'm sorry for what my friend said, I would like to a-pollen-gise"
My wife said, “I don’t really understand the science behind human cloning.”
I said, “That makes two of us.”
From my 70 year old dad: I hung up a map of the US in the kitchen and gave my wife a dart. I told her we would go on a two week vacation wherever she stuck the dart.
Looks like we’ll be spending two weeks behind the fridge.
I once dated two girls called Edith and Kate. Kate found out and told Edith that I was dating both of them at the same time. They both broke up with me on the very same day!
Moral of the story is you can’t have your Kate and Edith too
What do you call two birds-of-prey smiling?
We’re in the process of potty training my two year old. My wife took her into the bathroom and argued with her that she’s not allowed to take toys into the bathroom.
I interrupted her and told her that it is in fact called a toy-let.
There’s two morons on a boat. One of the morons is larger. The larger moron falls off. Why?
The little one was a little more on.
The US grows two different species of cherry trees
Washington and Michigan grow both the sweet type, which is great for eating raw, and the sour type, which is used in pies and sauces.
But California grows only the sweet type. It's untarted cherritory.
The chances of seeing two together is quite remote.
Here we see two birds of prey in full action
Or nuns as they are more commonly clawed
"There are five types of people..." *holds up two fingers *
Those who understand roman numerals, and those who don't...
Two wind turbines are standing in a wind farm..one turns to the other and says “what’s your favorite kind of music?”
He replied “I’m a big metal fan!”
these two wind turbines were standing in the field talking. one says to the other, "what kind of music do you like?" the reply...
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
Two wind turbines are standing in a field and one asks the other ‘what kind of music do you like?’
The other replies ‘Well, I’m a big metal fan.’
Two wind turbines stood in a field one wind turbine asks the other wind turbine "What type of music do you like?" The other wind turbine replies..
What kind of fish is made from two sodium atoms?
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