The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said...

"...40 second birthday". I was so proud.

πŸ‘︎ 32k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amplifi-dash
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Haven't got laid in so long I'm getting turned on by Dwayne Johnson's buttocks

I think I'm hitting ROCK BOTTOM

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/d7my_d7oom
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife spilled tea on herself, and without a moments hesitation, turned to me and said...

β€œI’ve tea’d myself!”

Proud hubby here!

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dongwaffler
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
i turned left on the wrong street while driving...

too late i found the error of my waze.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/samyxxx
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
🚨︎ report
When a girl makes stupid decisions when she's turned on, can it be called clitical thinking?πŸ€”
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nexushead
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
🚨︎ report
You were on a boat, I turned around and looked back, there was not a single person but you, why?

Because they were all married but you

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/XBOXUSER101
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I came out of the bathroom with a sad look on my face and turned to my wife

"I guess my dad was right after all"

...

"I am full of shit"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mullattobutt
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I was taking my children on a tour of the largest territory in Canada, but they kept acting up so I turned around and went home.

My wife was mad about it, but I don't care! I was having Nunavut!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doogasa34
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy who used a racing game to get reputayion on Reddit, but it turned bad?

It was karmageddon!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bunytou
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I turned the light on.

It’s nothing, I just got the switch up

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dankpenguin69
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
🚨︎ report
2020 was the year everything turned on its side...

now it’s a NONO

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/richy923
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Wife said she gets turned on if I blow on her neck during sex.

I'm not a fan.

πŸ‘︎ 113
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blackforgood
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
🚨︎ report
I turned on the car radio this morning but I think it’s broken.

All I heard was β€œFFFFFF”. Just white noise.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-Greenlung
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2020
🚨︎ report
What's it called when someone is turned on by pasta?

A fetish-ine

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/incompletecow15
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Every time I get turned on a dvd appears in my underwear

Turns out I have erectile disc function

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hgliluetlardb
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
🚨︎ report
As I turned on the car and put it in reverse, I thought to myself, man....

....this takes me back.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bro_Cha_ChoIF
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said β€œThis piece of paper has nothing on it?”

Billy replied β€œI drew a blank”

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Whenever I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
πŸ‘︎ 126
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πŸ‘€︎ u/R2d2US
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2019
🚨︎ report
does metrosexual mean you're turned on by trains?
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aiathefrick
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife gets turned on by shopping

It seems she's buy-sexual

πŸ‘︎ 86
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fdlowe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2019
🚨︎ report
My niece turned the tables on me this time

Niece: What is the favorite drink of a cow? Smoooothie.

I have never been so proud of my niece.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
🚨︎ report
You only ever see ice cream trucks turned over on desserted streets.
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bob-log_cat-log
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
🚨︎ report
A company that performs tests on urine samples turned a large profit in the last several months

They had a great piss-cal year

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnthMaster7
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
🚨︎ report
But I’m still turned on
πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ohsureyoudo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Does anyone else get turned on by certain punctuation?

The Hindus wrote a book on it, the Comma Sutra.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling some really excellent jokes. I turned to the local tribesman and said "that lizard is really funny!" The tribesman replied "that's not a lizard... he's a stand up chameleon"
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnster1991
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
🚨︎ report
I finally turned myself in on our last camping trip...

I called the cops and confessed I had criminal intent.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/allwxllendswxll
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2019
🚨︎ report
I turned on Airplane mode on my phone.

I threw my phone out of the window and it didn't fly.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ziswrad
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
🚨︎ report
My boyfriend has turned into a full on Dad

What’s the best part of hunting with a bazooka?

You get more buck for your bang

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/readtherancher
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2019
🚨︎ report
What gets all hot and turned on when you stuff it?

A toaster you sicko

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Angus-Mackenzie
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
🚨︎ report
My husband, toddler, and I are on a road trip. We turned on to the highway...

And directly facing the sun. I pulled down my visor down.

"Man," I said. "Just think, it's so bright in here I need to squint, even though the sun is 93 million miles away."

"What are you talking about?" my husband said. "He's right behind us."

groan

πŸ‘︎ 878
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuurAlaOrolo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2016
🚨︎ report
While on a walk at my family reunion, my mom turned to me while I was with my cousins.

Mom: Can the four of you get together for a picture?

Me: There’s four of me?

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rockman2254
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Help me guys! I tried to film a cake being baked, with my new camera, but when I turned on the oven, it broke

I swear that it said the camera could record in 360 degrees, on the box

Edit: corrected a typo

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/danielnm1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2018
🚨︎ report
Like humans, air conditioners get turned on when it’s hot.
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VaiterZen
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Turned on the radio and Pearl Jam was playing

This day can't get Eddie Vedder

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GarrityG
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...

I was pressing all the right buttons.

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeardFM
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2016
🚨︎ report
I turned on my computer and it showed a picture of a man in overalls and a straw hat standing next to a barn.

It was the Farmer in the Dell.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ridley_Himself
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2018
🚨︎ report
After slamming on my brakes to move a turtle from the road to a nearby body of water I turned to my wife...

... And said 'Honey, he will be e-turtle-y grateful.'

This is a true story, happened today.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AzarVC
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2017
🚨︎ report
I guess you could say she turned him on. m.imgur.com/H5XWuSA
πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NoDragonsPlz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2015
🚨︎ report
My friend turned into an ice cream cone whilst on holiday

He's been a wafer so long now

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jonhinchliffe10
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2017
🚨︎ report
My father's getting on in his years, so I asked his doctor what to do if he becomes incontinent. He turned to me and said....

"Depends."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boxbeat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2018
🚨︎ report
My kid turned the tables on me.

Dad: What was your essay on on school today? Kid: It was not an essay it was a paragraph. Dad: What was your paragraph on? Kid: Loose Leaf.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2017
🚨︎ report
My wife lectured me on how she could improve my tighty whities if she turned them into long johns.

I asked her to keep it brief.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaxPaw
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2018
🚨︎ report
Thor's brother was invited to a seminar on how to become a famous celebrity, but he turned them down...

He wanted to stay Loki.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Timblothy
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2017
🚨︎ report
I only get turned on by the homeless and vagrants these days....

.....I worried that I might be hobosexual.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ultra-saurus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2015
🚨︎ report
Tables turned and got one on my dad today

Driving down driveway

Dad: "the driveway's getting pretty bumpy, it needs to be grated." Me: "I'd give it a D+"

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nickc211
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2016
🚨︎ report
I went to a dadjoke contest, but the crowd turned on me when I started telling puns...

I guess you could say there were some punintended consequences.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cmn2207
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2016
🚨︎ report

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