The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said...
"...40 second birthday".
I was so proud.
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︎ Sep 22 2020
Haven't got laid in so long I'm getting turned on by Dwayne Johnson's buttocks
I think I'm hitting ROCK BOTTOM
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︎ Nov 15 2020
My wife spilled tea on herself, and without a moments hesitation, turned to me and said...
βIβve teaβd myself!β
Proud hubby here!
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︎ Oct 25 2020
i turned left on the wrong street while driving...
too late i found the error of my waze.
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︎ Aug 16 2020
When a girl makes stupid decisions when she's turned on, can it be called clitical thinking?π€
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︎ Aug 29 2020
You were on a boat, I turned around and looked back, there was not a single person but you, why?
Because they were all married but you
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︎ Sep 22 2020
I came out of the bathroom with a sad look on my face and turned to my wife
"I guess my dad was right after all"
...
"I am full of shit"
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︎ Aug 21 2020
I was taking my children on a tour of the largest territory in Canada, but they kept acting up so I turned around and went home.
My wife was mad about it, but I don't care! I was having Nunavut!
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︎ Jul 12 2020
Did you hear about the guy who used a racing game to get reputayion on Reddit, but it turned bad?
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︎ May 26 2020
I turned the light on.
Itβs nothing, I just got the switch up
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︎ Jun 07 2020
2020 was the year everything turned on its side...
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︎ May 24 2020
Wife said she gets turned on if I blow on her neck during sex.
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︎ Oct 20 2019
I turned on the car radio this morning but I think itβs broken.
All I heard was βFFFFFFβ. Just white noise.
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︎ Jan 12 2020
What's it called when someone is turned on by pasta?
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︎ Mar 22 2020
Every time I get turned on a dvd appears in my underwear
Turns out I have erectile disc function
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︎ Mar 13 2020
As I turned on the car and put it in reverse, I thought to myself, man....
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︎ Jan 04 2020
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said βThis piece of paper has nothing on it?β
Billy replied βI drew a blankβ
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︎ Oct 13 2019
Whenever I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
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︎ May 29 2019
does metrosexual mean you're turned on by trains?
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︎ Oct 11 2019
My wife gets turned on by shopping
It seems she's buy-sexual
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︎ Mar 27 2019
My niece turned the tables on me this time
Niece: What is the favorite drink of a cow? Smoooothie.
I have never been so proud of my niece.
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︎ Nov 11 2019
You only ever see ice cream trucks turned over on desserted streets.
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︎ Jul 13 2019
A company that performs tests on urine samples turned a large profit in the last several months
They had a great piss-cal year
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︎ Nov 25 2019
But Iβm still turned on
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︎ Apr 30 2019
Does anyone else get turned on by certain punctuation?
The Hindus wrote a book on it, the Comma Sutra.
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︎ Jul 14 2019
I was walking in the jungle and saw a lizard on his hind legs telling some really excellent jokes. I turned to the local tribesman and said "that lizard is really funny!" The tribesman replied "that's not a lizard... he's a stand up chameleon"
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︎ Sep 04 2019
I finally turned myself in on our last camping trip...
I called the cops and confessed I had criminal intent.
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︎ Aug 09 2019
I turned on Airplane mode on my phone.
I threw my phone out of the window and it didn't fly.
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︎ Jul 01 2019
My boyfriend has turned into a full on Dad
Whatβs the best part of hunting with a bazooka?
You get more buck for your bang
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︎ Mar 28 2019
What gets all hot and turned on when you stuff it?
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︎ Jul 13 2019
My husband, toddler, and I are on a road trip. We turned on to the highway...
And directly facing the sun. I pulled down my visor down.
"Man," I said. "Just think, it's so bright in here I need to squint, even though the sun is 93 million miles away."
"What are you talking about?" my husband said. "He's right behind us."
groan
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︎ Sep 18 2016
While on a walk at my family reunion, my mom turned to me while I was with my cousins.
Mom: Can the four of you get together for a picture?
Me: Thereβs four of me?
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︎ Jul 18 2019
Help me guys! I tried to film a cake being baked, with my new camera, but when I turned on the oven, it broke
I swear that it said the camera could record in 360 degrees, on the box
Edit: corrected a typo
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︎ Dec 04 2018
Like humans, air conditioners get turned on when itβs hot.
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︎ Apr 23 2019
Turned on the radio and Pearl Jam was playing
This day can't get Eddie Vedder
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︎ Feb 15 2019
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
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︎ Dec 16 2016
I turned on my computer and it showed a picture of a man in overalls and a straw hat standing next to a barn.
It was the Farmer in the Dell.
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︎ Oct 29 2018
After slamming on my brakes to move a turtle from the road to a nearby body of water I turned to my wife...
... And said 'Honey, he will be e-turtle-y grateful.'
This is a true story, happened today.
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︎ Jul 15 2017
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︎ Sep 05 2015
My friend turned into an ice cream cone whilst on holiday
He's been a wafer so long now
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︎ Apr 26 2017
My father's getting on in his years, so I asked his doctor what to do if he becomes incontinent. He turned to me and said....
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︎ Jun 14 2018
My kid turned the tables on me.
Dad: What was your essay on on school today?
Kid: It was not an essay it was a paragraph.
Dad: What was your paragraph on?
Kid: Loose Leaf.
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︎ Oct 14 2017
My wife lectured me on how she could improve my tighty whities if she turned them into long johns.
I asked her to keep it brief.
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︎ Jan 27 2018
Thor's brother was invited to a seminar on how to become a famous celebrity, but he turned them down...
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︎ May 10 2017
I only get turned on by the homeless and vagrants these days....
.....I worried that I might be hobosexual.
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︎ Jul 27 2015
Tables turned and got one on my dad today
Driving down driveway
Dad: "the driveway's getting pretty bumpy, it needs to be grated."
Me: "I'd give it a D+"
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︎ Jun 17 2016
I went to a dadjoke contest, but the crowd turned on me when I started telling puns...
I guess you could say there were some punintended consequences.
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︎ May 12 2016
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