How much does the entire United States cost?
Nothing, because it's a free country
A recent study of rocking chairs indicated that certain parts of the world do far less rocking than the United States while specific countries do...
Mo-roccan.
This joke provided by dads giving babies a bottle in a rocking chair early in the morning.
Why did the Koala immigrate to the United States?
Because he wanted the right to bear arms.
What do you call a bee that is from the United States
Was your waist the 16th president of the United States?
...cause those hips don’t lie
What do you say to The President Of The United States when he leaves abruptly?
BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard
How warm are the blankets in the neonatal unit?
Now that Donald Trump is no longer President, the United States is experiencing post-nut clarity.
News broke today that due to salmonella concerns, there is a national recall on just about every type of onion in the united states...
To be honest, I'm not shedding any tears over it.
Donald Trump is currently organizing pigeons against the united states government.
Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know I’m getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beer….
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! ❤️
What is the smartest state in America?
Alabama. It has four A’s and one B.
TIL The 1st United States Volunteer Cavalry, one of three such regiments raised in 1898 for the Spanish–American War, had dogs to go with them...
The were The Ruff Riders.
What did the Commanding General of the United States Army say after having his budget approved?
Two friends are on a road trip and one if them sees a sign stating they are approaching Louisville. One says "we should stop in 'Louie-ville' for lunch. The other says it's not pronounced 'Louie-ville', it's 'Louis-ville'!
They go back and forth for a while, neither convincing the other that they are right. Finally they decide on a place to eat. When they get to the restaurant, one of the friends asks the person taking their order to settle it once and for all. "Me and my friend are having a debate and hopefully since you live here, you can set my friend straight. Would you please tell us... and say it clear and slow for my friend here... where are we?"
The person behind the counter gets a puzzled look on his face, then says
>!"Buuuuuurrrrrr gerrrrrr Kiiiiiiinnnnggg"!<
What do you call a detective dog's party held in the United Arab Emirates?
The United States Postal Service got jokes
When I see a dead vulture in the road I remember the old saying...
What state in the US drinks the smallest cans of soda?
In the United States, you’re American.
But in the bathroom, European.
Today is Boxing Day in the UK, Canada, New Zealand, and Australia. Do you know when Boxing Day is celebrated in the United States?
Arkansas is the only state mentioned in the Bible.
“Noah walked out onto the ark and saw....”
I went to a supermarket in the United Arab Emirates, but all the shelves were empty.
There was literally nothing Dubai.
Which branch of military is the most patriotic in the United States?
The Air Force, because they're US AF.
The police just showed up at my house and arrested my bottle of water. They said he was wanted in 3 states...
President Trump has announced a ban on all shredded cheese in the United States.
In doing so he promises to Make America Grate Again.
Missouri has the most bordering states (8, tied with tennessee) out of any of the 50 United States of America. You know what they say, Missouri loves company.
Me: If you take the 407 toll road it'll cost you to thirty bucks. Grandma: thirty bucks?! That's highway robbery!
What's the difference between the United States and United Kingdom
What was the 16th president of the United States told before the dinner party?
Won an award for growing the biggest pickle in the state.
We should legalize marijuana in every state and use the revenue to fix all the highways and roads
We’ll call it Operation Pot Hole
what do you call an air conditioning unit in the capital of the united states?
What is the longest name for a boy in the United States, but not in most other countries?
Not to brag, but yesterday i beat the state chess champion in less than five moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
My friend tried to ride his horse from Maine to the Southwestern United States for a type of bean but was hit by an older Ford...
The United States is a cancer.
Its birthday is July 4th.
My dad when we were talking about recent crime in the United States...
Dad: Hey did you hear a bout what happened in Texas the other day?
Me: No, what happened?
Dad: Well there was these kids standing on an overpass of the highway, and they were dangling a noose over the edge trying to distract drivers. After a while the noose gets lower and lower and ends up catching a guys hand hanging out of the window, and ripped it clean off.
Me: Holy Shit no way that happened?!
Dad: Yup! And guess what they charged the kid with?
Me: I have no idea.
Dad: Armed Robbery....
I hear the United States is well stocked for a bird-of-prey flu epidemic...
There are plenty of ill eagle drugs for just such emergency.
We need to add three more states to the United States of America
53 states would make it a prime number; One nation, indivisible.
Don't blame others for the road you're on in life.
What was the 16th president of the United States told before a dinner party?
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