Take it easy people. Pretty soon you'll be able to kiss and have sex with the one you love.
But for now, stay at home and do it with the one you're married to.
Why do you have to be careful when it’s raining cats and dogs?
You have to be careful that you don’t step in a poodle.
My wife has just gave birth at the hospital. I pulled the doctor away for a minute and asked "how soon do you think we will be able to have sex?"
He thought about it for a bit and said "I am off-duty in 10mins, meet me in the car park"
A man from Prague and his friend were playing chess at a restaurant when an Australian waiter interrupts their game. The waiter says, "have a check, mate. Your Czech mate is about to be in checkmate... oh, and here's the cheque, mate."
If The Beauty and the Beast took place in America, "Beauty" would have to be from the South
Because she's a Southern Belle
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park."
I have a shared parking lot with my neighbor. I don’t like him much but I’ve decided to try and be friends. After all...
A man came to the doctor and said "you have to help me I'm shrinking", the doctor turned to him and said "I'm sorry you'll have to be a little patient"
My son and I both have Honda's and he's a photographer. I told him it would be nice to get a photo of the cars.
He took one, but not of his own accord.
Jane Foster will be allowed to wield Mjolnir because she and Thor have an understanding.
They're in a polyhammerous relationship.
My dogs and cats have to be home at a certain time every evening
I set a curfew for my fur crew.
My ex-best friend used to be really nice to me, but ever since they found out I have flat feet, they've been mean to me and bullying me over it.
They're my arch-nemesis now.
As a woman I consider myself to be wife material. You know how much you have to pay per yard for wife material? About a house and a yard!
The Mars rovers have to be sterile before being sent to the planet to prevent cross contamination. Just one germ and they must clean the spaceship again...
The whole mission must be scrubbed.
I was getting a physical and I told the doctor "No need to be worried but I have five penises.
"Five penises!!" he said "How do your trousers fit"
"Like a glove" I said
Sometimes I just stare at an egg and be happy that it doesn't have to move for survival !
My daughter had an accident, and i rushed to the hospital to see if she was alright. The doctor told me that she is on surgery right now and i have to be patient.
I told him : My daughter is the patient, now answer my question please.
My wife stared icily at me and grumbled, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?!”
I shouted, “An excellent question, my dear! But next time, please use the buzzer!”
Archeologists in Egypt have uncovered the tomb of a mummy that appears to be covered in chocolate and hazelnuts
It's beleived to be the long lost Pharoah Rocher.
Just found out today that I have a gall stone and my gall bladder my have to be removed
Guess it's gonna have to face the gallitone :(
And de liver will have to deliver its functions.
Also, I can now count this the longest relationship I've ever been in with a gallfriend.
Do dad jokes have to be puns? This is what I made for mother's day. One for my wife and one for my mom
https://imgur.com/a/kFtji
I was talking to my dad about my new phone and how there are a few bugs on it that have to be fixed.
He walked away, gave me bug spray and said "here kill them"
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