Time puns - The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/AlphaAxel
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 02 2019
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A timely pun
πŸ‘οΈŽ 36
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Science_is_punny
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 24 2018
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Time fly!
πŸ‘οΈŽ 4k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/hello_stranger-
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 01 2020
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Time to put on the costume
πŸ‘οΈŽ 4k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/7keletor
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 28 2020
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The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said...

"...40 second birthday". I was so proud.

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/amplifi-dash
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 22 2020
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Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.

He’s my spirit guide.

Edit: Thanks guys.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 14k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 03 2020
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A pun for current times
πŸ‘οΈŽ 1k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/just_boy57
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 06 2020
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If you sin 90 times, you'll only get caught 50% of times,

Because sin 90 = cot 45.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 17k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/charan_88
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 12 2020
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I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick.

It must be the high Mercury content.

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 24 2020
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We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."

"Stairs don't talk!"

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 01 2020
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Christmas time
πŸ‘οΈŽ 77
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/curiouscat887
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 11 2020
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A cable repairman was on our street today and asked what time it is.

I told him it's between 8am and 1pm.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 99
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Daudelin1
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 03 2020
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Which is faster, hot or cold?

Hot, because you can catch a cold.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 13k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Gunny_McShoot
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 11 2020
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Im left all a loan
πŸ‘οΈŽ 9k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/DefNotInTheOven
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 03 2020
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What does a CIA agent do when it's time for bed?

He goes under cover

πŸ‘οΈŽ 559
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/notsonog23
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 11 2020
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Jesus Christ would you look at the time
πŸ‘οΈŽ 4k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Mighty_Lord6
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 19 2020
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My favorite time of the day is 6:30

Hands down

πŸ‘οΈŽ 65
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/owarner40
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 13 2020
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Jeff, a semi colon, and an Oxford comma walk into a bar.

They both have a great time.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 12k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 09 2020
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I finally watched Dirty Dancing for the first time.

I had the time of my life.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 24
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/DoomRulz
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 14 2020
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Time to show some emotions
πŸ‘οΈŽ 29
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/tony_zheng
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 22 2020
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My boss just told me that I’m the worst mailman he has ever seen.

Shit..l meant to post this somewhere else.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 13k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 14 2020
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What time is it when you see a cow laying in a field?

Pasture bedtime

πŸ‘οΈŽ 269
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/PrincessCuteButt
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 09 2020
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120 degrees
πŸ‘οΈŽ 4k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/spinnaker190
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 08 2020
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Times are hard for people on disability benefits....

I’ve got a friend who’s a dwarf and he’s struggling to put food on the table.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 52
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/SR21-
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 03 2020
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Is it the time to adopt glass coffins?

remains to be seen!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 40
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/malhosainy
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 11 2020
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Made this a while ago when I had way too much time on my hands
πŸ‘οΈŽ 29
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/kimothy92
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 07 2020
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No no He's got a point
πŸ‘οΈŽ 5k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/_3oi_
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 30 2020
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What are you if you smoke marijuana and masturbate at the same time?

A weedwacker.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 38
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/GenIISD
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 19 2020
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How do communist measure time?

In ours.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 142
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/UntamablePig
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 14 2020
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My wife was making gravy for dinner, and she added some corn starch, but it got too thick. To thin it out she added some water, but then it was too thin again. It went back and forth a few times before I said...

Ahh. I get it. It’s a viscous cycle.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 26
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/PocketCornbread
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 06 2020
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I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, β€œIs it to scale?” I replied, β€œNo…”

β€œIt’s to look at.”

πŸ‘οΈŽ 18k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 23 2020
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I'd smoke a cigarette every time after sex...

Thanks to my wife I've stopped smoking.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 19
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/iamNotFonseca
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 12 2020
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I said to my daughter, ”It’s time for bed, the cows are asleep in the field”. She asked ”what’s that got to do with anything’?

I said β€œIt’s pasture bedtime”.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 30
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 15 2020
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For all the time they spend in a school, you'd think that fish are really smart.

But it turns out, they're all below C level.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 20
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/weirdgroovynerd
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 14 2020
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When I was a single man, I had plenty of free time.

Now that I listen to full albums, I hardly ever leave the house.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 36
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 10 2020
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Man shot 200 times with upholstery gun.

Surgeons revealed he is now 'fully recovered'.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 34
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/bob9109
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 09 2020
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Time to appreciate him
πŸ‘οΈŽ 86
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/7keletor
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 20 2020
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Funny how in the past everyone owned horses and only the rich owned cars, and now everyone has cars and only the rich have horses...

My how the stables have turned.

Edit: Wow guys, thanks for all the love!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 17k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/zthazel
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 11 2020
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Nice, CA.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 4k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/itsjaboilarry
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 20 2020
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Ho ho ho!
πŸ‘οΈŽ 6k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ajfoucault
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 22 2020
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Every time you make a typo,

The errorists win.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 29
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/m1ngaa
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 03 2020
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Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flies like a banana.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Matthew_the_cashew69
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 08 2020
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My wife said, β€œYou really have no sense of direction, do you?”

I said, β€œWhere did that come from?”

Edit: Thanks for the love. I’m right speechless.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 18k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 10 2020
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Saw an escalator for the first time today...

Just stopped and staired

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/DJBlue18
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 02 2020
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I apologise if this isn't allowed.

New to this subreddit. I know the point of this thing is to share funny jokes, but since I'm a newbie I hope you'll allow me this one opportunity to make a serious but friendly PSA: If you're lucky enough to have a father, don't take him for granted. Even when they scold or punish you, trust their judgement, it's likely for good reason even if you can't see it at the time. When I was a child I narrowly avoided a horrific accident in which 4 of my friends were electrocuted at a playground we used to play on every day after school. I used to hate my old man for being so strict and disciplining me when all of my friends got to run wild, but if it weren't for him I definitely would have been electrocuted too that day. But I wasn't. I was grounded.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 17k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/NoThruTrucks
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 16 2020
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Got a new tattoo

My wife was complaining about how i'm not spontanious or creative, unless it involves terrible jokes, so i went out and got a tattoo (my first one). But since im not very creative i had them tattoo a pic of my thermos from work. I went home all excited and showed her my new tattoo! She was really confused about it. She looked at it for awhile and when she went to touch it i yelled at her not to touch the thermos tat. I think she's leaving me now :(

πŸ‘οΈŽ 18k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/bosozokulove
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 09 2020
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There's been a lot of people who aren't Dad's making Dad jokes on here recently. If you're not a Dad you shouldn't be making Dad Jokes.

It's a faux pa.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 17k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 05 2020
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I posted this on r/memes a while ago and it didn't blow up or somthing. I am just so proud of this it makes me laugh every time
πŸ‘οΈŽ 24
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/or2072
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 02 2020
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6:30 is the best time of day...

Hands down

πŸ‘οΈŽ 42
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/suehil2k
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 13 2020
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Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 15
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/tiranamisu
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 28 2020
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