Time puns - The future, the present and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
Time to put on the costume
The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said...
"...40 second birthday".
I was so proud.
Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.
He’s my spirit guide.
Edit: Thanks guys.
If you sin 90 times, you'll only get caught 50% of times,
I watched Bohemian Rhapsody three times in a row, and now I feel a little sick.
It must be the high Mercury content.
We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."
A cable repairman was on our street today and asked what time it is.
I told him it's between 8am and 1pm.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
What does a CIA agent do when it's time for bed?
Jesus Christ would you look at the time
My favorite time of the day is 6:30
Jeff, a semi colon, and an Oxford comma walk into a bar.
They both have a great time.
I finally watched Dirty Dancing for the first time.
I had the time of my life.
Time to show some emotions
My boss just told me that I’m the worst mailman he has ever seen.
Shit..l meant to post this somewhere else.
What time is it when you see a cow laying in a field?
Times are hard for people on disability benefits....
I’ve got a friend who’s a dwarf and he’s struggling to put food on the table.
Is it the time to adopt glass coffins?
Made this a while ago when I had way too much time on my hands
What are you if you smoke marijuana and masturbate at the same time?
How do communist measure time?
My wife was making gravy for dinner, and she added some corn starch, but it got too thick. To thin it out she added some water, but then it was too thin again. It went back and forth a few times before I said...
Ahh. I get it. It’s a viscous cycle.
I built a model of Mount Everest and my son asked, “Is it to scale?” I replied, “No…”
I'd smoke a cigarette every time after sex...
Thanks to my wife I've stopped smoking.
I said to my daughter, ”It’s time for bed, the cows are asleep in the field”. She asked ”what’s that got to do with anything’?
I said “It’s pasture bedtime”.
For all the time they spend in a school, you'd think that fish are really smart.
But it turns out, they're all below C level.
When I was a single man, I had plenty of free time.
Now that I listen to full albums, I hardly ever leave the house.
Man shot 200 times with upholstery gun.
Surgeons revealed he is now 'fully recovered'.
Funny how in the past everyone owned horses and only the rich owned cars, and now everyone has cars and only the rich have horses...
My how the stables have turned.
Edit: Wow guys, thanks for all the love!
Every time you make a typo,
Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.
My wife said, “You really have no sense of direction, do you?”
I said, “Where did that come from?”
Edit: Thanks for the love. I’m right speechless.
Saw an escalator for the first time today...
I apologise if this isn't allowed.
New to this subreddit. I know the point of this thing is to share funny jokes, but since I'm a newbie I hope you'll allow me this one opportunity to make a serious but friendly PSA: If you're lucky enough to have a father, don't take him for granted. Even when they scold or punish you, trust their judgement, it's likely for good reason even if you can't see it at the time. When I was a child I narrowly avoided a horrific accident in which 4 of my friends were electrocuted at a playground we used to play on every day after school. I used to hate my old man for being so strict and disciplining me when all of my friends got to run wild, but if it weren't for him I definitely would have been electrocuted too that day. But I wasn't. I was grounded.
Got a new tattoo
My wife was complaining about how i'm not spontanious or creative, unless it involves terrible jokes, so i went out and got a tattoo (my first one). But since im not very creative i had them tattoo a pic of my thermos from work. I went home all excited and showed her my new tattoo! She was really confused about it. She looked at it for awhile and when she went to touch it i yelled at her not to touch the thermos tat. I think she's leaving me now :(
There's been a lot of people who aren't Dad's making Dad jokes on here recently. If you're not a Dad you shouldn't be making Dad Jokes.
I posted this on r/memes a while ago and it didn't blow up or somthing. I am just so proud of this it makes me laugh every time
6:30 is the best time of day...
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
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